Only The Lonely…

I’m lonely.

There, I said it.  I mean, what else can I say, how else can I describe it?  I try to tell myself I’m happy, and certainly there are days I am, but in the end, it’s not sadness, depression, or anything else.  I just don’t like being alone.  I’ve always been a solitary type of person.  While I used to enjoy spending time with my friends as a kid, I usually found more enjoyment with only one rather than several.  Whenever I spent time in groups, I usually ended up sitting in silence as everyone else talked.  Ultimately, I think this is what I am looking for these days.  I don’t want a girlfriend, that’s too much work, however someone I could talk to on a regular basis as a friend as well as be intimate with is something I think I could really use.

Part of my problem is that I’m a shy person.  Sure, it’s easy for you to say, “Well, fuck it, get over it,” but you’re not shy like me.  I am shy to the point it cripples me at times and gives people the wrong impression of who I am.  I didn’t know this, or I didn’t think it pertained to me, but it seems shy people in social situations can be percieved as arrogant or disinterested.  While I was by no means a party animal as a kid, I went to my share of gatherings in the hopes I would talk with some random girls.  Unfortunately, most of these events had me up against a wall or sitting in a room with one or two other people instead of mingling amongst the guests.  I couldn’t help it.  Anytime I was put in a group of strangers, my fists clenched, my muscles ached, and I ran for the nearest hiding spot.  I said once to a friend, “I would be perfectly happy sitting in the back of the room with nobody knowing I was there.”  I hated the thought of eyes being on me, and to this day I shun any kind of spotlight.  Of course, this didn’t help me find any girls to talk to.  On one or two occassions, after enough drinks, I did talk a bit with some girls, but even when drunk, I was not interested in random hookups.

All my life, I’ve always wanted a meaningful relationship.  I’m the hopeless romantic that sees a future with any woman who crosses my path.  When I was in my teens and 20’s, this was foolish, as girls that age don’t want to think about that kind of thing.  They want a guy who drives a nice car, plays sports, and treats them like objects.  The romantic guy was the loser and because of this, even the few girls I went out with a few times lost interest in me quickly as it became apparent I wasn’t going to buy them drinks or try to sleep with them.

Today, surely there are girls who see that the type of guy they dated in high school and college is not the kind of guy they want to marry, but I have been so socially outside the loop, I wouldn’t even know how to start to look for someone who might be interested in me.  My shyness, combined with my current life situation make it very difficult to mingle among single women.  I work and I go home.  I could go entire days without interacting with a single human being, and I have realized at times that I have gone almost a whole day in total silence as I did not interact with anyone.  I’m not proud of this, and I don’t take joy in being this social recluse.  I want to go out and meet people, and I want to find a woman who might want to spend time with me, but I kill my chances by committing myself to my job.  I won’t quit my job or change my hours, which is why I may never find someone.  I work weekends and I have a strange schedule.  I go to bed early and I wake up early.  What kind of woman wants to accomodate my choice of life when they could easily find someone with a normal 9-5 schedule?

Personally, I don’t think I am an asshole, but it’s very possible that I am and I just don’t see it.  If you watch me at work, I can be very rigid and stoic.  I take my job seriously because I want people to think I am good at what I do, but at the same time, those who don’t know me very well think I am a jerk.  I don’t want people to think I am jerk, nor do I want to be a jerk and not realize it, but I can’t change the way I do my job.  That being said, I’m not likely to find a woman who wants to date an uptight asshole.  I have to go somewhere where I am not recognized and try to put forth my better self, but like I said, it cripples me to be in the spotlight.  I’ve tried stupid dating websites.  Yeah, go ahead and laugh, but we’ve all done it at some point.  I had almost no success initially because I was as timid there as I was in real life.  That, and I discovered people don’t want to read honest profiles, they want to read lies about how I scaled mountains after college, or went skydiving over the Grand Canyon.  No one wants to date the guy that says he doesn’t take stock in material possessions, because we all want to be rich someday.  I’m happy in a 2 bedroom apartment, but if I said that in my profile they would assume I have no ambition.

I’ve worked hard for eveything I have, so I value the little things over the big expensive toys.  I don’t need an expensive car to be happy, but if I want to find a woman to be happy with, I have to at least convince her I want an expensive car.  It’s a vicious cycle.  I just want to find someone simple like me, who wants to sit with me at night and talk about our day.  I don’t need a honeymoon in France or a cruise in the Bahamas, I just need a companion who understands how hard it is to wake up everyday in a big bed with no one to share it with.

It’s not that I’m not happy.  I can be happy and lonely at the same time I think.  I like living here, I like feeling like I acomplished something in my life.  I just don’t like the silence that accompanies me everyday.

Oh well, asi es la vida, no?

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~ by James on October 21, 2011.

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