Who Do You Want To Be Today?

Sometimes I think I bring about my own unhappiness and I can’t quite figure out why.  It’s Thursday, my day off, and I have the option of doing just about anything I want, but as the clock rolls over to 3:15, I find myself sitting here, mostly in silence, watching a movie I have already seen and wondering why I am not doing more to enjoy the day.

To be fair, part of my attitude today comes from a bit of anger I was feeling last night.  I was upset over a response to a message I had responded to from my brother regarding the upcoming holidays, arguably the most depressing part of the year for me.  Anyway, back to my wasted day off.  Despite having plenty of things I would like to be doing, I find none of them are truly appealing to my senses at the moment and I am just sitting here.  I decided to write a bit only because I needed to try to explain to myself why I am feeling so unhappy when really I have no reason to be.  I had given thoughts to seeing my friends today, but after going on a quick run to the bank and the grocery store, I received a message from a friend inviting me out for a drink and I ignored it.  It’s not that I wouldn’t like to see my friend, but I just had absolutely no desire to go sit at a bar.  In addition, I am always stressing out about money and I felt like I couldn’t justify spending money on food or drink when I have stuff in my house.  I never really know a polite way to say no, so I just ignored the message, and that’s not really brightening my mood any either.

I’ve been placing Post-It Notes in various locations around my apartment.  Primarily, I use them to remember vocabulary in other languages, such as chair and bathroom, however I have two sets of Post-It Notes, written currently in 4 different languages, that are quotes I wrote to remind myself of my goals.  One says, “Are you doing what makes you happy?” and the other says, “Who do you want to be today?”  Am I doing what makes me happy?  Right now, no.  And as far as who I want to be?  Well, not who I am, at least not right now.  I look forward to my days off because I usually have little tasks I want to accomplish.  I don’t mind staying indoors if I am doing the things I set out to to, but when I spend my entire day in almost total silence, I start to wonder if I am on the right path.  I spoke a few times while reading something outloud earlier, and then I am fairly certain I cursed about something, but the fact is, one of my main goals right now is learning foreign languages, so I should be speaking in at least four seperate languages at some point throughout the entire day.  Granted, it’s a little strange to hold conversations with yourself, but I could easily converse in Spanish, have a simple back and forth in Italian, and since I just started learning French, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to at least try pronouncing some of their more basic phrases.  But no.  I’m silent.  Sure, I can think a little in my head in those languages, but it’s not really the same.

As the day wears on, I become more and more aware that soon I will simply give in and go to bed, and then tomorrow I will only have so many hours to myself before I have to go to work.  On one hand, work distracts me from feeling lonely, but it also frustrates me at times.  When I’m at work, I’ll often say to myself that I want to go home, but that’s not really the truth because home is a very lonely place these days.  The thing is, I love my apartment and I love knowing that I don’t have to live under my mother’s roof, but while I would never consider returning to that living situation (I’ve been on my own for three years now) I do miss having at least a little social interaction between my brother, my mother, and myself.  Yes, I can always pick up the phone and call someone, but as I scroll through my list of contacts I only see names of people who are probably working right now, or who I really don’t have much to say to.  Oh yeah, and Dominos Pizza.  I’ll make dinner in an hour or so and that will occupy a little of my time, and I might luck out and find something to watch on TV, although I rarely watch anything in English and I am a little tired of Telenovelas.  in any case, I think maybe I’ll at least try to do something with either Spanish or Italian so I can at least feel like I did something today.  Bye for now.



~ by James on November 3, 2011.

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