The Clock’s Ticking…..

The minutes are ticking away as 2011 draws to a close, and like many, many others, I am sitting here reflecting on another year gone wrong, or perhpas just gone by.  Sometimes, taking what I write out of context, you may think I am an unhappy person.  That’s not true, as I have evaluated what it means to be either happy or unhappy, and the fact is I don’t fall flatly into either category.  Happiness, as a perpetual state of being, does not exist, but I have had plenty of moments of happiness throughout 2011.  In addition, it is unlikely I could be unhappy all the time (medical conditions aside) so it is fair to say I also had plenty of moments of unhappiness.  I suppose I could go month by month and chart my state of emotions and gauge whether or not this year was successful or not, but the simple answer is, although nothing terrible came to pass, my overall hapiness factor was not very high.  I suppose the best way to put it in perspective would be to call it a neutral year.  Unfortunately, upon reaching 30 years of age, realizing that the bulk of my years have been neutral years, I feel it is time to make a change somewhere along the lines.

Now, if you have followed me at all in my brief time writing this blog, you’ll know about me that I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions or life changing decisions that take place overnight.  I can recall only one instance in my life in which I said on one random day, I am going to do xxxxxx, and I actually followed through with it for more than 6 months.  I would like to think I have that ability within me and I can actually change who I am in the blink of an eye, but 30 years of experience have shown me otherwise.  Despite my inner knowledge of how we function as humans, I still find myself making lists of ways to change my life.  I can’t say for certain that it’s a result of the coming New Year, because in reality, it’s just another day.  Could it be the gradual realization of my own mortality?  While frightening, that too could be a reason for evaluating who I am and who I want to be.  I’m not entirely sure why, but the other day while driving the stark realization that 40 years old is the next milestone in my life hit me and really opened my eyes to the pressure that time weighs upon us.

I’ve never been a follower, and I don’t want to start now, but when I look around at my peers, those I went to school with, those I work with, and those I see in the limelight of the media, I realize I am not too young, nor am I too old, to be an adult.  While I do adult things, I still lack the full amount of adulthood my peers seem to have.  I have friends who are married, I have friends who already married and divorced, I have friends with children, homes, mortgages, jobs with retirement plans and responsibilities that require adulthood.  Yes, I also have friends who are single, spend their weekends tailgating and who can sleep until noon whenever they like, but that’s not the life I aim to have.  I have my apartment, my car, my job, and for the most part, I am self sustaining.  I am not rich, nor am I poor, meaning I don’t eat Easy-Mac unless I have a craving for Easy-Mac.  I consider myself intelligent, although I am no genius, however I am smart enough to know my own limitations.  I read books, I watch movies that have plots rather than special effects, and I consider speaking foreign languages a better past time than smoking pot or getting drunk.  Although I am not interested in fine dining, I don’t ever consider fast food a meal for myself or anyone else.

So what do I need to change?  I think the underlying idea is we all want to better people, but some of us struggle with it because sometimes it is easier to just be an ok person.  We look at the new year as an opportunity to put in the effort to be better, only to return to our laziness within a matter of days or weeks.  So how do I become a better person that sustains that betterness?  For me, and this goes for me, not the world, I need to socialize more.  Any goal I have ever set for myself, any challenge I have taken on, any resolution I have made and broken, at it’s roots, involves me being a more social person.  As a high-schooler, I wanted to play basketball.  Money and fame.  Fame is social.  My failed college years, guitarist/musician.  Being in a band is social.  Post college, small business owner.  Again, money and social status.  Telling people you own your own business attracts attention.  My attempts to be a world renouned author?  Certainly having a New York Times Bestseller would gain my some attention.  And today?  Well, I am still working on speaking 8 foreign languages in the next year or so.  Languages are means of communication.  I am one of the shyest people there are.  I cringe at the idea of talking to strangers.  While I have matured quite a bit since high school, I still struggle with being the center of attention, so I use foreign language as a means of conquering my fears.  I’m still shy about using it, even Spanish which I have gotten much better with, but somehow I feel if I keep learning more languages it will open the doors to knowing more people.  So again, despite whatever crazy hobby I take up, it all goes back to making social connections.  So what do I want?  Ultimately, companionship.  I want someone to come home to at night who I can talk to about…..whatever.  How did I come to this realization?  Well, from the outside it’s pretty obvious, but for me to see it, I had to see what made me happy and what made me sad.  Upon breaking it down to the bare bones, it was simply having someone to talk to.

One of my best friends spends the school year in San Diego.  He was home for the holidays and I realized being able to do something as simple as go out for a cup of coffee with him made me happy.  When he is not around, sure, I can go get a cup of coffee, but I can’t sit and talk about the most random things by myself.  The moments throughout the year when I was most unhappy were the moments I bought a coffee and found myself sitting alone in my apartment.  I had the opportunity to go out last night with two friends, and I was having a good time, but when the night drew to a close, the realization that I won’t likely have the opportunity to go out like that again for some time threw me into a state of sadness.  After the New Year, my friends will scatter back to their lives and I will go on with mine, living in a state of contentment rather than happiness.  Since I don’t know how to change the situation (my friends have moved out of state and I can’t exactly drag them back here) my solution is to tell myself I need to find a female companion.  This, potentially, would solve a lot of my problems, while I suppose it could also present new ones.  I think it’s another one of those situations where I have to weigh the pros and cons and decide how I want to proceed.  Of course, when it comes to matters of companionship, I have not had a tremendous amount of success in my life, mainly due to the shyness factor.  I have made it pretty clear, at least to myself, that I would absolutely love to find a Spanish speaking woman to date.  I find hispanic women incredibly attractive and it would offer me a chance to continue learning.  I almost feel like that is selfish of me to “use” someone as a means to further educate myself, as if I was still trying to learn how to play guitar so I would only date a musician, but I don’t think that is true.  I mean, if I married a tax accountant I would undoubtedly learn things about taxes, so being involved with a Spanish speaking woman would naturally offer me an opportunity to better my Spanish.  Of course I would have to find the right woman.  I am not so naive as to simply run out in search of a Spanish speaking woman who I don’t actually have feelings for simply to be with someone.  Then again, that too could be my problem.  I have been told I am too picky.  I find that hard to believe as I have never exactly had women falling at my feet, but perhaps if I did not have unreasonable expectations I would be more inclined to approach a higher number of women.

Being 30 means I need to start approaching women and risk striking out.  Right.  Easier said than done.  Will making a pact with myself that 2012 is the year I find my soulmate going to help me along?  I doubt it.  I mean, sure, I could get in my car, drive to a coffee shop, a bookstore, the supermarket, wherever, and make some half-assed attempt to pick someone up, but is that something I could really do, or something I can only talk about doing?  I refuse to use any online dating sites, as I have spent money in the past only to have zero success.  I do on occassion talk to women using Skype, but they tend to be in Europe or South America somewhere.  Based on my last post I don’t think it’s very likely I will be making any trips to foreign countries to find a wife.  I mean, sure, there was a girl who was practically ready to come here from Colombia to be with me, but the painful realization that bringing her here would have likely ruined her life forced me to push her away.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad, the fact that I could see that she was too good for me.

When I say the minutes are ticking away, I’m referring more to the minutes of my life, not just 2011.  Based on the average life expectancy in this country, I can say with a certain amount of confidence that I still have more days ahead of me than behind, but that number is quickly balancing itself out.  Can I be so bold as to say I want to not just find a girlfriend, but the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with in 2012?  Ok, yes, I can say I want to, but can I say it will happen?  That’s a little more difficult to pull off.  I guess the best course of action is to follow my language learning plan and make small, attainable goals rather than huge yearly goals.  To say I will be married by the end of the year is a terrible idea, but to say I can say hello to, let’s see, no less than three women in the month of January, well that might be an attainable goal.  Maybe that’s the way to go.  January will be the month to make three new female friends.  I have no idea how I will pull that off, but if that works, we’ll have to make February the month to find a date for Valentines Day.  Ok, I’m getting ahead of myself now, which is always a problem I have.  Perhaps I should get going and work out the details of my January plan.

All right, wish me luck…..oh yeah, Happy New Year.


~ by James on December 30, 2011.

2 Responses to “The Clock’s Ticking…..”

  1. I wish I could live nearest you’re living, so we could take a coffee together and talk to real!
    Happy New Year 2012, and live your life for real!!
    Un bacio

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