The Relationship Conundrum

While I realize I don’t really have much of an audience, I’ve still noticed that I haven’t written much here recently and I figured it best to get on that, since I am less than 40 days away from the big 3-1.  To be fair, I have been writing, just not here.  My preference of late is to stick to the Spanish writing, but I don’t suppose it will hurt to post a little in my native language for a bit.

I wish I could come here and say that my life has been so active lately that I simply have not had the time to blog about it, but the fact is, not much has changed.  I’m still working, I’m still single, and I’m still wondering if I should be making an effort to change either one of these facts.  As I don’t buy lottery tickets, I doubt I will stop working anytime soon, and since I don’t spend an awful lot of time in places where I can meet women that situation won’t change any time soon either.  The big question is, do I want either of those things to change?  If I didn’t have to work, I wouldn’t have a whole lot to do, and I have been honestly questioning lately if finding a woman will be the solution to any of my problems.  There are certainly advantages to being involved in a relationship, but there are also plenty of downsides.  Certainly if I never get married the likelihood that I have children drops significantly.  I think my big fear about meeting someone and starting a relationship is that I see so many relationships ending badly.  Being the kind of person who always looks down the line, I fear getting married only to have it end in divorce.  I know, it’s not the most positive attitude to have, but based on my life and my experiences, this is where things usually end up.

This isn’t to say I choose to be single right now.  If I met a woman, I am fairly certain I would try to develop a relationship.  The fact is, I don’t put myself in situations to meet people.  I don’t necessarily enjoy being single, but I don’t have women lining up to meet me at the moment either.  It makes me question if I want it or not.  I think people who want to be in a relationship find ways to be in a relationship, and those that don’t truly want that find ways to avoid it.  If I really wanted a girlfriend, would I have one?  I mean, let’s put this in perspective.  When I wanted to play basketball as a kid, I played basketball.  When I wanted a car as a teenager, I saved up and I bought a car.  When I wanted to live on my own as an adult, I moved out and lived on my own.  These things were not easy to accomplish, but I did them.  I’ve always been the kind of person who, when told I can’t do something, I go out and do it.  So, given that evidence, it should be safe to say that if I wanted a girlfriend, I would in fact have one.  Could it be that despite my hormonal desires, deep down I don’t believe I would find satisfaction in a relationship?  The thing is, I really can’t answer that question.  I see women and instantly think about dating them, but then the fears of breaking up push me away.  I mean, I suppose if I really just wanted to test the waters I could go out and search for someone to try it out with and if I didn’t see a future in it I could end it before it got too involved without doing any serious damage to anyone, but is that  really the way to go?  It’s kind of deceptive to go into something knowing you are really taking it seriously from the get go.

I know, I know, that’s how my teenage years should have been spent.  I should have tried to hook up with every cute girl I could in an effort to thin the crowd, but I never did that.  No, my problem was that I always set my sights on the most unattainable girls, or at least in my mind I made them unattainable.  I can remember a variety of crushes I had, starting as early as 2nd grade, in which eventually, I had in my mind made these girls out to be such goddesses that I trembled whenever they came near.  Skipping ahead to high school, I can remember two girls in particular who I could not keep my eyes off of.  Of course, during my four years of high school, I don’t think I ever talked to either one of them.  In other words, even back then, I was so terrified of the end results that I denied myself the opportunity to experience something good.  Instead of looking at the potential happiness I could have had, I looked further ahead to the eventual break up.  Now, everyone who has gone through adolescence knows that no high school relationship lasts forever, but as a naive 15 year old, I was too busy planning my life out in advance with these girls that I never took the simple step of saying hello.  Sure, rejection is hard, especially for a teenager, but maybe if I had swung and missed just a few more times back then, I wouldn’t be so hesitant to step up to the plate now.

I don’t suppose there is an easy answer to this question.  Sure, so many people out there are married and truly happy, while others remain single and manage to be happy as well.  There are those who marry and come to regret it, and those who wake up in their 70’s to discover they missed out on life by never finding someone to share it with.  I know talking about it will get me nowhere, but it’s the only way I can make sense out of it in my head.  One of my goals when I turned 30 was to make an effort to find someone and unless something incredible happens in the next 40 days, I will have failed.

I guess the solution for the moment is to continue living as I have been living and simply let the chips fall where they may.  Wish me luck.


~ by James on March 16, 2012.

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