This Is All About Jenny

Honestly, I’m not trying to average only one entry per month here.  I wanted to write here as much as I write in my Spanish blog, but dammit, my life just isn’t that interesting if I’m not rambling on about mis amigos del trabajo or que pelicula I watched last night.  Ok, I’ll admit, I have given thoughts to combining the two blogs and writing entirely in “Spanglish,” but I am fundamentally opposed to speaking in Spanglish.  It defeats the purpose, or at least I think so.

So anyway, I suppose I should get in a few entries before next Tuesday, as I will hit 31 at 4:04 that morning.  Yikes.  I suppose I could say nothing much has changed for me lately, but in fact some things have changed, while nothing appears any different on the surface.  I suppose I should explain that pile of rubbish.  This goes back a ways, and if you are not a follower of my Spanish ramblings, you are not familiar with this story, so let me fill you in on things.  This is all about Jenny.

I moved into my apartment back in November of 2008.  One of the things that thrilled me about living on my own was that now I could spend as much time watching Spanish language television and listening to Spanish language music as I wanted without  my family thinking I had lost my mind.  In the first few weeks of living here, I watched nothing but Univision and constantly searched the web for sites that offered me help in learning Spanish.  One night, I came across The Mixxer, a site dedicated to finding language exchange partners.  All one had to do was fill out a profile, not unlike any other social website, answer a few questions regarding the language you were interested in learning, and search for new friends.  The idea was I would search for Spanish speaking friends while Spanish speakers would search for English speakers and once connected, we could practice speaking in both English and Spanish and everyone would benefit.  The idea was to use Skype as a means of communicating, whether through instant messaging or video calls.  I was a little hesitant about the video calls, but I was open to the idea of instant messaging people in Spanish.  It was Jenny who first contacted me.  I received a message from her, and soon I found we were instant messaging in mostly Spanish.

Jenny is Colombian and lives in Bogota.  Much to my surprise, her English is near perfect, while my Spanish still leaves a lot to be desired.  I don’t know if she was the first contact I made through The Mixxer, but she quickly became my favorite person to chat with.  I even got over my initial fears of speaking over a mic to her and we actually talked a few times, although her mic was not so great and it was hard for me to hear her.  While I had not spoken with anyone from Colombia before, I noted that her voice reminded me of Shakira, my favorite Latina singer (who is also Colombian).

Of course, being a single male, it was inevitable that soon I would find myself more and more interested in talking to her and more and more eager to know more about her.  I lost interest in anyone else who had contacted me through The Mixxer and soon found myself exclusively talking to Jenny.  Sometimes we would talk several times a week, and sometimes we would go weeks without talking, but we were both always happy to talk to one another.  I was doing my best not to develop feelings for someone who lived some 4000 miles away on a different continent, but silly me, I was giddy every time we talked.  I wasn’t the one who made the first move, however.  No, no, it was Jenny.  She asked me if I thought of us as more than just friends who talked online.  I was worried she was hoping I would say no, but I couldn’t lie to her and I said that indeed I had begun to see her as someone I had feelings for.  I think we were both a little nervous about this, but we were both relieved to have our feelings out in the open.

We talked more often and would switch between English and Spanish.  She helped me learn while at the same time we were able to make  one another happy over a great distance.  I started learning about her family, her job, and what she was studying in school.  She was still an undergrad, but had huge plans for her life ahead of her.  She wanted to travel through all parts of Europe and she wanted to teach English to those that did not speak it.  We talked about travelling together and seeing all parts of the world, and for a short time, I had this false belief that all I had to do was save a little money and I would be able to take a trip to see her in Colombia.  Then my brain started working against me.

While it is by no means unheard of for an American to visit Colombia, I had never so much as left the country.  Was I really considering travelling to South America by myself?  Jenny assured me it was entirely safe, but I have a huge fear of flying.  I have flown before, but was not fond of it and would avoid it at all costs.  Then of course there were the other more practical things.  I live paycheck to paycheck.  It would take me quite some time to save enough money to visit South America.  In addition, I don’t even have a passport.  Between the cost of that, plane tickets, and any other expenses, I was looking at quite a hefty sum of money just to spend a week or two with her.  I of course wanted her to come here, but I started to realize how unfair it was of me to ask that of her.  It’s one thing to plan a vacation together, but how were we supposed to plan something more than that, like a whole life together if I couldn’t go there and I felt guilty asking her to come here?  As is the case in almost everything in my life, I started having doubts, and when I start having doubts, I head for the hills and hide.

After giving it some thought, I decided it would be best to tell Jenny that despite our feelings for each other we should not continue to hope we would ever be able to be together.  I felt awful, and I knew I was hurting her to say this, but I felt I had to be realistic.  Even though I had never felt closer to anyone else like I felt towards Jenny (I know, bad movie plot in the making) I decided to distance myself from her.  I wouldn’t sign on to Skype and we stopped E mailing one another.  Despite the dreams we had shared with one another, Jenny was a realist and she would not let her disappointment stop her from achieving her goals.  She thanked me for being honest with her and went on with her life.  Despite being younger than me, she acts much more mature than I ever will I think.

So, some months went by and I settled on being content with my boring life.  I planned on living here in my little apartment for the rest of my days and finding joy in whatever other things I could do as a single guy coasting through a rather boring life.  I still thought about Jenny, but I tried to think of other things.  Then, the other night, Jenny and I talked.

She wanted to tell me she was officially graduating college and in the fall she was planning on moving to Germany for a year.  I was a little surprised and a little more concerned for her travelling on her own to Europe, but I knew she loved speaking German (yes, she speaks German too) and she was going to live with a family for a year, acting as an au pair.  Despite my own reservations about her going on her own, I was proud of her for finishing her schooling and taking steps to take on such a great project in the fall.  Of course, in my mind, I wanted her to tell me she was coming to the United States in the fall, not Germany, and somehow we could manage to be together.  I told her I missed her, and soon we were talking like not a day had passed.  She said after she goes to Germany, she would like to come to the US and she thinks she can get an extended Visa, but I have no idea how these things work.  I would very much like for her to come her, but from what I understand, it’s not very easy to just move her from outside the country.  Even if she is able to obtain a Visa (which is not guaranteed) there’s no promise she would be able to stay here permanently.  Of course that’s going on the presumption she even wants to stay here.  I can’t see myself living in a foreign country, so it is hard for me to imagine her being happy here.

I know it’s kind of silly to get worked up over things like this, as nothing has actually been planned yet, but if she really does have the same feelings for me that I have for her, I very much want for us to be together.  I really have no idea if this will ever work out or not, but as the days tick by, I find myself more and more wanting to be with the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with, and honestly, I have never been able to envision myself growing old with anyone.  Except for Jenny.

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~ by James on April 19, 2012.

One Response to “This Is All About Jenny”

  1. […] all harkens back to Jenny, my Colombian girlfriend.  (Read more of our story here) Sure, it’s a little strange to say that, as we have never met in person, but after talking […]

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