Starting Points

I would think, based on the title alone, one could deduce that this blog is all about being 30 and surviving to the next round of my life.  I have said before, I really don’t know how I made it this far, but here I am and I have to accept it, for better or worse.  Why do I say it like that?  Simple.  Every stage of my life, or anyone’s life for that matter, teeters on a point.  I suppose you could call it a point of no return, or possibly a starting point, depending on your point of view.  Some of these points are easy to deal with, like turning 5 or something.  I mean, as a five year old, you either go to school and become a little human being, or you keep wetting the bed.  Really, you can’t go back to that, so you have to move forward.  In fact, you can never go back, no matter what the turning point is.  I turned 18 and the world called me an adult.  Sure, I tried to ignore it, but it didn’t work.  Life kept pulling me along, like those tracks that guide your car at the car wash.  I turned 21 and I had to sit at the bar.  No more Sprites for me.  Now, these are all coming of age moments that we have to accept.  You can’t really prepare for them, but surely we all know they are coming.  Who didn’t count the days until they could buy lottery tickets or buy a six pack legally?

Unfortunately, 30 isn’t a moment many of us plan for.  It’s not earth shattering, in the sense I’m not yet worried about imminent death, but it does sort of push you to accept a few truths.  I can’t do a lot of things that those under 30 can still get away with.  Frat parties are out.  Trips to the mall with no explicit intention to buy something are definitely out.  Going to McDonald’s with 15 of my closest friends is not an option, although I suppose the day may come I have to go there to purchase a Happy Meal.  Getting ahead of myself.  I live on my own (a crucial point for anyone who is 30…c’mon, get out of Mom’s place) I own a car (that was not purchased from someone’s front yard) and when it comes to relationships, I am seeking long term, quality, not quantity.  While the thoughts of a hormone driven teenager still linger in my mind, my true goal is to find someone I can spend my days with, not only in bed, but in the kitchen, at Starbucks, at a movie, at the park, yada yada.  As far as a partner goes, I don’t have a lot of material things to offer.  I am not rich, I don’t own luxurious goods, and I don’t live an extravagant lifestyle.  I enjoy simple pleasures like a good movie, the occasional dinner for two, and maybe a walk on the beach.  I’ve gone on about this before, but unless fortune smiles upon me, it is doubtful I will travel the world, but if I were to find someone who could be happy with me despite never leaving the United States, I think I will be ok.  My goal is not to find the most beautiful woman, as beauty is ultimately meaningless, nor do I want to find a women with truck loads of money.  I have no problem working for a living and I hope to find a woman who feels the same.  Having things in common is the most important element of a long lasting relationship, in my humble opinion.  I want to find someone who laughs at the things I laugh at, who believes in the things I believe in, and who trusts that I have only the best intentions in all that I do.

So why am I going on about this today?  Well, like I said, you can  never go back, only forward, and now that I am 31, I have to be mindful of my forward progress.  At the same time, I obviously need to be mindful of others.  While I may be getting ahead of myself slightly, I’m using the 31 year old excuse as a justification for moving quickly.  I have found someone.  Too quick?  Probably.  I have found someone that I felt an instant connection to, but I have to tread lightly.  I may feel the pull to move forward, but she is younger and not yet at that point.  All other issues aside, I fear the age difference will play the most important role, however I have to leave this up to her.  I can’t be any younger and she can’t sacrifice her youth for me, so I just have to hope she is at that point where an adult relationship is what she ultimately is seeking.  She is 22.  Any younger and I would back off, but she is intelligent and well spoken and acts like the better portion of 22 year old’s I have encountered.  Surely she is at that point where perhaps she still wants to go out and be free without the constraints of a partner, and if that is the case, I would have to concede.  However, if she has reached that point where she realizes relationships are more valuable than flings, maybe I have a shot.

She threw the “friends only” mandate at me right from the start, which initially crushed me, but after years of high hopes and greater disappointments, I have learned when to continue and when to back off.  I am not going to push anything, but I may prod a little.  Based on our interaction, I feel as if maybe she would be interested in something, just not right away.  Of course, my 31 year old mind is not interested in games.  If I am not upfront with her, it is no ones fault but my own if nothing comes of this.  Men and woman, with one exception in my life, can not be one on one friends, meaning, I can be friends with women in a group, but I can not be friends with a woman I go out with for dinner or a movie, etc., etc.  I’m afraid it’s either a romantic involvement or it has to end.  I don’t think she is simply using me as a means of practicing Spanish, and if it does come down to that I would be hurt, but again, based on the evidence, I feel like there is potential here.

I had gone to bed last night when I received a text message from her around 11:00.  She wanted to chat.  Now, anyone else would say that obviously she was flirting with me, but I am always so unsure of the signals women give off.  We talked for a good hour and then finally realized we were both dozing off.  Staying up late chatting online seems like a potential for a relationship to me.  Am I wrong?  I can’t fall into that trap of being the comforting listening ear either.  I don’t want to offer her advice on how to get back with her ex, that would be fatal.  I have to be honest, despite it all, this is the first time since hitting the 30 year milestone that I have felt this way about someone or something.  I’m not saying I am head over heels or anything, that would be insane.  I’m just saying that she is the first person I have talked to in a long time who brings a smile to my face simply by being there.  I know, I’m pathetic.

In any case, I’m at one of those starting points.  I better not stumble out of the gate.  Wish me luck.

 

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~ by James on August 1, 2012.

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