Getting Out of The Gate: Responding to My Own Post

So, sometimes, it takes a little thought on my part and a little bit of advice from those who’ve been there.  Ok, maybe it takes a lot of thought on my part and a lot of advice from those who’ve been there, but eventually, my brain manages to come out of the clouds and return to reality.  As I pointed out yesterday, I move too fast sometimes, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.  I’m sure it was painfully obvious to anyone reading along, as it was to those who offered me their advice, but at least grant me the patience to see where I am coming from and perhaps why I tend to rush into things.  As I said, time is constantly pulling us forward.  I don’t want to reach the finish line empty handed.  That being said, let me offer this.

Blogging or online journaling or whatever you want to call it is a way for most of us to share with the world our deepest most inner thoughts without revealing our deepest most inner thoughts.  I mean, sure, we put ourselves out there for criticism, but we never really have to face our commentors, and if we really want to hide, we can simply never return to that post.  It gives us a chance to get it all off our collective chests and pretend like we’ve actually faced our fears, slain our enemies, or professed our love, when in truth, the audience we are addressing never (well, rarely) sees the fruits of our labor.  Of course I am not referring to the blogger who offers us a new recipe for truffles every week or posts a photo journal of their trip to 7-11.  No, I’m talking about those of us who moan, bitch, and complain about every wrong in our lives, then return the next day to say all is well again based on the happy emoticons posted in our Mood setting.  Look, I am guilty of this, I know, so why am I bringing it up?  Well, if you’ve read this far, good job, let’s continue.

As I said, I did a lot of thinking and listened to a lot of advice and I did a little research.  Yesterday, I was all smiley faces about meeting a girl.  Yeah yeah, like a dopey little kid after his first kiss, I was all starry eyed and ready for marriage.  Ok, maybe not marriage, but I was moving in that direction.  The problem with allowing feelings like this to develop is that if the object of your affection does not feel the same, disaster is imminent.  Before we all get disappointed, disaster is not yet imminent, however I have put on the emergency brake in an attempt to brace for impact in case things go that way.  The facts are these:

  • I have only known this girl for, quite literally, hours.  Yes, we went out for coffee and had a great time, but it doesn’t take much for me to have a great time.  Despite early impressions, we should really get to know each other before I start picking out names for our children.
  • We both have a lot in common.  A good thing.  We may also have a lot don’t we don’t share in common.  Again, time will tell on this one.
  • She said from the start we were meeting for coffee as friends.  I did find our interaction to be rather flirtatious and while I was thrilled to be on what appeared to be a date, I have to remember what she said and realize that until she makes a move, I have to accept friendship.  (By the way, unfortunately, since I am not seeking more friends, if this is what I have to accept, it probably won’t make it much farther.)
  • She has a complicated relationship history.  Right, to many, the dagger in the heart.  Again, while I have only known her for a short time, while she says she is more or less single, she has a former boyfriend who becomes not so former quite often.  From what I understand, they dated for several years and while she is tired of his foolishness she is having a hard time moving on.  Now, if she is just looking for someone to help her escape this other guy, I’m probably not the right choice.

I’ve been in this situation once before.  I was in college, living in an apartment.  I met a girl who was surprisingly eager to visit my place.  I was naive and I thought she really liked me, but before and serious action took place, she tells me that she just broke up with her high school boyfriend of however many years.  She said she was not looking for a relationship.  In my innocence, I assumed that meant no sex either, but I later came to discover I totally blew that opportunity by saying I did want a relationship.  She was ready to put out and I foolishly turned her down.  She could have been the hottest girl I ever slept with, but silly me, I missed out.  In the long run, the better choice, I know, but tell that to a horny college student.

Ok, once again, how does this apply to my thoughts on blogging?  If you’ve made it this far, kudos to you.  The girl I am speaking of, my 22 year old Spanish speaking gringa also has an online blog.  No, I am not linking you to it.  She showed it to me after our coffee date and I expected it would be all in Spanish as is mine.  Well, sure, there were Spanish entries, but the bulk of them, regardless of language, focused on her boyfriend.  At the time, they were still together and disgustingly happy.  So why did she show me this?  Her most recent entry regarding him says she is tired of his games and wants to move on.  Was I purposely lead to read this or does she see me as such an innocent bystander that she just doesn’t care what I see about her (rather promiscuous) relationship with this guy?  I mean, it didn’t exactly blow my mind that she has sex, that’s fine and I am not jealous of past encounters.  If I worried about all the girls (ok, the few) I have been with having some horrid sexual past, I would still be holding out for marriage to have…you know.  Very few of us are virgins at this point, so I can deal with that, but what bothered me just a bit was just how enamored she seemed to be with her man.  I know 8 year old girls doodle in their notebooks the names of the boys they are going to marry, but it seems a little silly for an adult to go on and on about their relationship in that way.  Perhaps I am wrong.  It has been a while since I was in a committed relationship like that.  Maybe that is what I’ll have to do if I end up with someone, who knows?  The fact is, after reading most of these posts, I started questioning not so much if we would be good for each other, but if she would really be able to distance herself from her past boyfriend. I understand it is difficult to say good-bye, but it would not be healthy for me to wait on the sidelines twittling my thumbs waiting to see if she really likes me or not.

More facts.

I do like her.

I would date her.

I think we could potentially be very happy together, but until I am sure she is free of her past troubles, I can not commit my emotions to her.  I have been hurt before and I have told myself I won’t allow it to happen again.  Often, people think I am a stoic person because of this, but the truth is I have simply built up defenses against getting destroyed.  I’ve worked pretty hard on being a happy person these days (the same can  not be said about my 20’s) and while I am definitely seeking a partner, I will remain happy as a single guy until the right girl comes along.  I guess the next move is up to her.  Thanks for reading.


~ by James on August 2, 2012.

One Response to “Getting Out of The Gate: Responding to My Own Post”

  1. As someone who has been in her shoes before I feel I should give you a couple nuggets of wisdom.
    I was in an on-again off-again relationship for 3 years. I met plenty of guys during the off-times who I could tell would develop feelings that I couldn’t return. Of course as soon as things were back on with the Ex, those guys would be chucked from my life (not my decision). When I finally ended it I had to cut off all contact completely. It took me a year and a half to recoup and become ready to care for someone else. So here are a couple bullets of advice;

    1. Accept the friendship and don’t wait for more. Waiting will lead to heartbreak. This is the blunt truth.
    2. Even if they do break up for good (which is unlikely) there is no way she will be ready to jump into a new relationship right away. Even if you did start dating soon afterwards she would have lingering feelings for the Ex, which is unfair to both you and her.
    3. The reason it’s unlikely they will break up for good is that, regardless of her frustrations, she’s always gone back thus far and will probably continue to. History tends to repeat itself. I finally ended things for good because I could see that the relationship had served its purpose and was no longer healthy or fulfilling for anyone. However, it took me the last 2 years of the relationship to finally accept that revelation.

    You sounds like an intelligent, wonderful, loving guy. You deserve a woman who will have stars in her eyes for you just like you do for them. I’m not commenting to tear down your dreams or break your heart – I’m trying to save you for enduring the pain I’ve experienced and have also caused others.

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