Intermingling

I’m trying to make it a point to write here at least almost as much as I write in my Spanish blog.  On one hand, I get more satisfaction at least telling myself I am learning the language by blogging in it, but on the other, I still feel strangled at times when I want to get things out in the open.  Of course, recent events have created a cross-over event which has tied me to both blogs.  Like a comic book tale from the late 90’s, I find my two worlds intermingling in a way I am not sure I am comfortable with.  I have said before, I could just start blogging in Spanglish, but I don’t know if it would have the desired effect or not.  I suppose someday if I am fluent enough to mix the two as I write I would feel strangely accomplished, but for now, you’ll just have to find a link to click to get from one blog to the next.

The amusing thing about all of this is that both blogs were initially created with two distinct motivations behind them.  Ostensibly, neither one had anything to do with the other.  My Spanish blog was never meant to get personal or delve into my private business, while this one was meant to allow me the freedom to open up a bit without worrying about the correct conjugations or verb tenses.  To be fair, some were meant to see one blog, some were meant to see the other.  While I have more or less come to accept that at this point in my life, not much about me is very private, I was hoping to keep this one out of the spotlight of my day to day existence.  If people wanted to ask me about my progress in Spanish, I was happy to share my Spanish blog with them, but if someone asked me to show them my inner most feelings, I’d have told them to get lost.  As I am freely linking the two here, I guess I have surrendered the hopes of privacy.

Recently, both blogs have dealt a little bit with relationships, or in my case, the lack of one.  I’ve talked about Jenny, the young girl from Colombia who I had grown quite fond of, and I recently discussed the young graduate student I thought I might like to have a relationship with.  I think it’s fair to say both are out the window.  I still have feelings for Jenny and should the day come that we can be together, great, but I can not hold my breath for that day to come.  She has said similar things to me in the past, but we both still held onto that notion that someday it would all come together for us.  She is leaving for Germany in a few weeks and while I will still be able to communicate with her, I don’t know what will happen, if anything, between us.  I am only sad because she is truly a special person who deserves better than me.  She gets mad when I say that, but I feel her coming here to be with me would be so much less than she could accomplish without me.  I wish her well, and still hold onto the possibility that we may someday have a future together, but if she finds someone in the meantime, I will be understanding.

As far as the girl I met in my book club, well, she is very nice, cute, and intelligent, however I fear (like I said before) that while we do have a lot in common, I think we also have a lot not in common.  I have suspended any attempts to be any more than a friend with her, and to be fair, once she returns to her classes in a few weeks, I doubt she will have any time to talk to me anyway.  I am not upset about this, although I am disappointed I won’t have someone to talk to in Spanish.

I don’t know if it was a futile attempt on my part to divide my life into two distinct categories like that.  Blogging or journaling or whatever is going to expose many facets of our personality.  It was inevitable that pieces of me would slip into my Spanish persona while I suppose parts of my desire to integrate myself into the Hispanic world will show up here as well.  Mainly in my desire to date a Latina.  I almost feel like I am letting myself down by writing so much in English when I could be saying the same things in Spanish, but it begs the question, if I can switch between the two, at least moderately well, should I just merge the two blogs into one and babble on in whatever language my mind spits out?  (My friend who I will not date blogs in both languages.)  Tres Meses And Counting?  30 Years y Sigiendo?  I don’t know, neither one sounds all that sweet on the ears.

I kind of feel like I have wasted today.  Sure sure, I posted here, I posted in Spanish, but in truth, I made no great strides forward.  I wanted to get started on the next book for the book club (ok, I still could do that if I wasn’t so lazy) and I wanted to either watch a movie in Spanish or make an attempt to talk with the owner of the restaurant next door that I want to work at.  Instead, I took a nap.  Ok, I was tired and Mondays tend to be a rest-up day for me, as I will be busy tomorrow and I still have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn.  (That’s really not accurate at all, as I get up hours before dawn, but my point is, I need to rest up for a long day tomorrow.)  I look at Tuesday as my day to do stuff around my apartment.  I get home around 3:30, but since I don’t work early Wednesday, I can stay up late Tuesday night, watching TV, writing here, or reading a book or something.  I don’t feel pressured to get things done before the sun goes down.  Thursday, my day off, is the day I try to get out of the house for a while.  If the weather sucks, I don’t mind staying in, but if it is nice, I like to at least get out for a ride in my car.  I usually ask my friends to go out Thursday night, but that can be a bust quite often.  In any case, while Monday is not meant to be an overly stressful day, taking a two hour nap has thrown me off a bit.  It feels like it should be earlier than it is and I realize that I only have a limited time before I have to go to bed.  What an exciting life I live.

In any case, I think I’ve run out of things to talk about, in English or Spanish, at least for now.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

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~ by James on August 6, 2012.

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