To Have or To Have Not?

I don’t know if that title works, but I liked the sound of it, so I’m sticking with it.  The question refers to the having or not having of a significant other; a girlfriend, a novia, a wife, a spouse, a life partner, whatever you want to call it.  I am 31 years old.  A girlfriend is something an 18 year old has.  You are allowed to have girlfriends until your own friends start marrying and having children (check) and then you need to find yourself someone permanent or you just become pathetic.

If you go by traditional definitions, I have had one girlfriend in my life.  I have been beyond “second base” with others, but I don’t feel that is something I need to discuss here out in the open.  My point is, I am reaching a point in which I feel I need to either accept that I will grow old and die alone or I need to start making some serious moves on connecting with someone.  Now, I have standards.  See here for details.  Of course, really, those are just guidelines for which I will make exceptions if necessary, but I think given those criteria, I should be able to find someone, no?

I’ve tackled this subject before from a variety of angles.  Sometimes I am perfectly happy living in my little cave, but then there are times I feel I need to embrace the idea of the American Family and branch out a bit.  There is no doubt in my mind that the thoughts of marriage and children appeal to me, however I fear my fantasies of family life versus what I may end up with if I rush into something will be drastically different from one another.  Now, I say rush into something, as if I even have something to rush into.  This is the thing I always seem to miss.  While I can say I have a choice of the single life or the married life, the fact is right now, being single is not a choice I have made, it is simply what I have.  It’s easy to say you don’t want something if you don’t even have the option of having it in the first place.  I don’t know any single women who want to date me nor do I see myself meeting anyone anytime soon, given my current style of living.  I have made baby steps, doggy paddles, in the giant wading pool of life as far as meeting women, but the sad truth is, I really haven’t put forth much of an effort.  I can blame it on shyness, a crippling problem I have, but I know plenty of people who are not exactly outgoing who have managed to find themselves partners.  Am I desperate?  Not yet, but should much more time pass, I fear I will be.

I sort of have that wish that I had this big circle of friends who each had their own circle of friends who would in turn introduce me to someone from one of their many circles and I would be all set.  I mean, how many people get fixed up with someone by one of their friends?  I’m not saying it always works out, but it would be nice for someone to toss a friend my way once in a while.  I have gone to book clubs and had intentions of taking an adult education class, but both ideas kind of fizzled, as the book club was a small group of already married women and I can’t seem to find an adult ed. class that would fit my schedule.  I joined a meetup group of people who want to speak Spanish, but unfortunately, so far all of their meetings have been on nights when I can not attend.

Now the reason this came up in my mind recently is that someone I work with actually is trying to fix me up with someone.  Here’s the thing.  I think we all know that I have this silly obsession with speaking Spanish.  Part of the desire to speak in a foreign tongue is that I have gotten to know many of my co-workers who speak Spanish and I really enjoy talking with them and getting to know them, and yes, I find myself extremely attracted to Spanish speaking women.  I would welcome the opportunity to date a Spanish speaking woman over a purely monolingual American woman, however I can not be choosy obviously.  The woman I work with speaks fluent Spanish and English and she has been searching her Facebook page for someone who might be interested in me.  Initially, all her available friends lived in either California or Mexico.  I have no plans on moving in order to start a relationship with anyone.  I’ve gone through that idea before, and it is not something I will ever have the courage to do.  I can talk about it, but let’s face it folks, it is not going to happen.

In any case, this past Wednesday night, my match maker realized she did not know anyone, but lo and behold, her husband also had a group of Facebook friends to search through.  She found a profile of a woman she knows who is single.  She is 32, works the night shift somewhere nearby, does not speak a word of English, and may possibly be looking for someone to date.  Ok, age wise, we are ok, and I am not terribly concerned about her job, but since she speaks no English at all, why would she be interested in me?  Yes, I can carry on a basic conversation, and yes, I had a relationship about five or six years ago with a girl who spoke almost no English at all and somehow we communicated for the few months we spent together, back when I knew much less Spanish than I do now, but what can I offer this woman that a native Spanish speaker can not?  This is the critical question.  Of course, we joked around for a while Wednesday night about the idea, but until I saw the woman’s photograph, I really wasn’t getting my hopes up.  When I saw her picture, my thoughts turned to marriage!  Well, ok, maybe that was a little rushed, but the fact is, she is very attractive.  She is attractive in a way that at first, I doubted it was a legitimate photograph of her.  I imagined my co-worker searching out some random photo online and showing it to me to make me think it was her, but it turns out, it was in fact the girl she was telling me about.  I shouldn’t say girl, I should say woman, because she is definitely not a little girl, and I think that is what I need.  I can’t look for some 18-25 year old girl who wants to hit the bars every Thursday night and is more concerned that her sneakers match her shirt than anything else.  I need to find someone who is mature and ready to consider a life with someone else.  Now, hold on a second, I am not planning a proposal just yet.  Hell, this woman does not even know I exist.  The plan, set forth by my co-worker matchmaker is to talk to her the next time she and her husband get together with their group of friends.  This could be weeks from now.  And, even if she mentions me, there is no guarantee that this woman is looking for someone, especially an English speaking white guy who manages a McDonald’s.  I really need to put myself together and find a way to present the best aspect of me, and even that may not be enough.

I’ve already started plotting out my life in my head.  I do this all the time.  I get that one little spark to get me going and in minutes I have my entire future mapped out.  Probably not the best way to do things, I know, but I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.  I do hold out the hopes that maybe my friend from work will in fact mention me to this girl and pass along my Facebook page for her to check out.  Of course this should not stall my efforts to find someone else, although my efforts are barely chugging as it is.  I need to develop a plan of meeting someone, or at least force myself to be more outgoing towards others.  In all my years of seeking out a woman, not once has staring at them from afar lead one to come over to me and say hello.  The problem is, the only place I can imagine meeting a single woman is at a bar.  I am afraid to approach anyone at the gym or in a coffee shop, but I instantly assume that I see a group of girls in a bar, they are all single.  I have nothing to base this on, it is just how my brain operates.  I know I should just have the courage to say hello to people, but I can’t and it has hampered my social life all along.

Anyway, until I receive word that she is not interested, I will hold out hopes that this Spanish speaking woman may come my way and all will be right in the world.  Highly doubtful, I know, but I need something to hold onto for the time being, right?  As always, I’ll keep you all posted.


~ by James on September 14, 2012.

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