The Self-Defeating Machine

I am incredibly amazing at defeating myself at every turn.  If I were a knight and had to do battle with any foe, I would be that foe, because I can never fail to kill my very own hopes and dreams.  Ready for more?  Here we go.

This morning, I was hemming and hawing over whether or not I should go to the gym.  The Monday prior to Labor Day Monday, I joined a new gym and made it my goal to get there for at least an hour every single day for roughly 90 days.  Should I complete my task, it would lead me to about Thanksgiving, a day in which I could skip the gym and also eat until I was ready to pop.  Up until this morning, I was going strong, but I had a busy day yesterday and was still recovering when I rolled out of bed this morning.  I wanted to stick with my plan, but at the same time, I was worried about being tired later on at work, since I have to be there until midnight tonight.  This is one of my many problems.  I think way too far in advance over all of my decisions and ultimately it keeps me from living in the moment and doing what I want or should do.

In any case, to my delight, I came up with a valid reason to drag myself to the gym and complete an hour workout.  I told myself there existed the possibility that there would be an attractive woman or two also at the gym working out and should I skip going today I would miss the chance to say something suave to them, like Hello.  The idea of a nicely shaped woman in form fitting workout clothing was enough to get me up and out the door for an hour before work.  Now, upon arrival, the place was rather empty, but I would expect it to be at 11:30 on a Friday morning.  Normal people have jobs and go to the gym at night.  I am one of the few, including senior citizens and college students, who can make time to go to the gym in the early afternoon.  Now, while I have no interest in making friends with a senior citizen, college students fall into the realm of possible interactions, provided they fit a few small criteria.  More on that in a minute.  My point is, or was, that the gym was quiet when I arrived, and while I was pleased to have made it there, I was disappointed at the lack of female participants.  I hopped on an exercise bike and began my routine.  Then my luck changed.

Within just a few minutes of beginning my workout, not one, but three young women approached the machine I was on and started doing a cardio workout.  They were together, so I can only imagine they are friends or even roommates in college.  Suddenly, I felt like my luck had changed.  Over the course of the remainder of my workout, two more young women joined the fray, all of whom had qualities that aroused my interest.  So where does the self-defeating part of my story come in?  Right now.

To be fair, it is not an easy task to find a way to talk to total strangers while peddling on a stationary bike.  At the same time, they are all wearing headphones to drown out any potential creeps like me coming onto them.  So right off the bat, I am at a disadvantage.  I suppose I could shout hello and hope at least one responds, but that is quite weird and probably not the most effective approach.  So while I am sitting there, pretending to have an interest in the little TV monitor positioned in front of my face, I am really devising ways to ruin any chance I may have had to talk to any one of them in the first place.  Here they are, in no particular order:

  • They’re probably too young.  College girls (undergrads) can vary from 18-22, and if they are not old enough to legally sit at a bar, hands off.  Of course, I am an idiot, and I can’t tell how old they are.  I mean, they aren’t in high school, unless they are skipping class to go to the gym (highly unlikely) and I don’t think they are older than 25, but honestly, I don’t know.  Now, legally, there is nothing wrong with me dating anyone from the age of 18 and up, but my personal moral compass says they need to be (a very mature) 22 or older.
  • If they are college students, they probably have boyfriends.  College guys (the smart ones at least) grab the first girl that comes their way and holds on for dear life.  Now, once the parties begin and they realize they can have more than one, things change, but the few honorable ones grab the good girls as quick as they can and leave us slackers in their wake.  In any case, I am not one to go after a girl with a boyfriend.  (Ok, it may not be a relationship meant to last a lifetime, but I still don’t want to be the cause for a break up.  I could get my nose broken that way.)
  • Let’s say they are older, more mature, yet single college girls.  Well, they are either the type that do not want a relationship before they finish school because they value their education and want to finish that before anything else.  I find that honorable and mature on their part, but clearly they are not the kind of woman who is going to date a guy like me.
  • Now if they are older (by older I mean 24 and up) and perhaps not as mature, yet still single, I may have a shot, as they may not mind dating a guy such as myself, however, I have to ask myself, is this the type of girl I want to date?  Do I want to find a strong-willed, independent, hard working, highly educated woman who will inspire me to better myself and be the mature adult I should be, or do I want to find a girl close to my age who still thinks bleacher seats in the Bronx are better than a fine dinner in Manhattan?  Honestly, I don’t know.  On one hand, I am not interested in a high maintenance girl, but on the other hand, I am sort of ready to commit to the idea of an adult relationship that leads to a family and all that happy crap.

So as you can see, I manage to make all kinds of excuses to avoid saying even Hello to anyone I come across.  Never mind the idea that they just may not like me.  As harmless as the word Hello is, I still fear it’s power.  To be fair, there is no reason, even if they turned out to be incredibly nice girls that any one of them would have had any interest in me even if I had said hello, however, it stands to reason that should I never try, my chance of success remains at 0%.  Now, 1 out of…a lot isn’t a great percentage either, but it only takes one, right?

I know, you are probably tired of reading about this, and I should be exhausted from writing about it, but somehow it always comes back to this.  Sure the solution, at least on paper, is simple.  It’s putting it into practice that is the hard part.  Unfortunately, no more will come of it today, and I have to get going, so until next time……

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~ by James on September 21, 2012.

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