It’s A Kind Of Hollow Feeling

When I think back over my life, I realize that it has been over eight years since I have dated anyone.  It’s a little pathetic sounding when you say it out loud.  It’s even more pathetic when I think about that relationship and how much of a farce it was.  Take that year and four months of my life away and I can say I have never really had a girlfriend.  (Yes, during that aforementioned year and four months I called her my girlfriend, but it was really just a good show.)  I have gone out with girls for dinner or to a party when I was still in college, but nothing ever amounted to a serious relationship.  Anyway, tonight I was planning on going out with a woman I met through a friend at work.  She is single, 30 years old, and latina.  On paper, she is my dream date.  In fact, she is quite attractive and upon first seeing her photo, I had a hard time believing 1) she was single and 2) she would have even the slightest interest in me.

Well, as luck or whatever would have it, we started talking.  It began with a message she took two weeks to respond to.  I had sent it in the first week of October and when I didn’t receive a response, I simply figured it was the easiest way for her to say she wasn’t interested without hurting my feelings.  When I received a response two weeks after the fact, I was excited and started immediately getting my hopes up over possibilities.  Of course, given my track record, I am always anticipating the worst, but as things progressed, I started seeing hope at the end of my usually dark tunnel.  We started exchanging messages at first, and I was pleased with that, but then last week,  during the hurricane, she and I talked online for several hours.  Even me, being as naive as I am couldn’t deny the fact that a conversation that lasts hours suggests she is at least a little bit interested in me.  Now, one of my biggest failures when it comes to relationships is my inability to make the right moves at the right time.  I hesitate and miss many opportunities.  This time, I wanted to make sure she was fully aware of my intentions, and my intentions are these:  I am looking for a relationship that is going to last.  While certainly it takes some time to discover whether or not the two of you are soul mates, if we don’t match up pretty well from the beginning, we should go our separate ways.  I am looking to get married, eventually, and have children.  If this is not on her agenda, she should say so.  I decided I had to ask her out quickly, because I worried if we just continued to message one another back and forth, we would never start a real relationship and I fear some other guy would come along and snatch her up.  I made it clear to her that I found her attractive and that I wanted to meet her face to face.  She agreed with all of these things, saying she too wanted to meet and she too was interested in finding the right person to settle down with.  As we moved along, my hope and excitement turned into the belief that this could really happen.  I could have found not just someone to potentially fool around with (and I mean that in the cleanest way possible) but someone who would be interested in being by my side for years to come.  Granted, it’s foolish to assume just because we share the same desires we are automatically meant to be together.  In any case, she agreed to go out with me for coffee today.  The idea was we would go at a neutral time, like 5:00 so that we could talk for a few hours and still be home at a reasonable hour.  Like always, I have to work early Sunday morning, so this was good.  It should have been a stress free date that would give us the opportunity to get to know one another.

I received quite a bit of advice from my co-worker last night as far as what I should wear and perhaps how to steer the date, but she also cautioned me to be a gentleman, which of course I plan to be at all times.  Of course, by discussing this at work, the entire crew is now aware of my potential relationship.  Now, if everything were to go smoothly, there’s no problem with them knowing, but if things go bad, well, it’s going to be one of those awkward moments at work for some time.   It’s a little embarrassing to have a bunch of 18-21 year old’s rooting me on.

I woke up this morning already anxious about the whole day.  In fact, my entire day was planned leading up to going to pick her up this afternoon.  I had breakfast, showered, went to the laundromat, cleaned out my car, went to Stop and Shop and bought her a couple flowers (bonus points I was told) and even did a trial run in my car to give me an idea of how far I had to go and how long it would take me.  Of course, here is where the trouble began.

I sent her a text asking for her exact address.  She had told me more or less where she lived but had not given me the specific house number.  Her response was that she wasn’t feeling too well and she didn’t know what to do.  Of course, I was a little disappointed, but to be totally honest, since I have been burned like this so many times before, I was basically expecting it.  Now, since I was already in the car, I sent her a message saying I was nearby if she wanted to just say Hi.  Her response to that was that she was out with her cousin closer to my place than her own and they were going to Wal-Mart.  So now I start to question things.  Is she really sick, or is she just blowing me off?  Do I give her the benefit of the doubt or do I move on before I risk getting hurt again?  Right now, as I sit here, I don’t feel anything.  Yes, I am a little disappointed to have spent most of my day off preparing for this, and yes, I have two roses sitting in my refrigerator that I am not really sure what to do with, but aside from that, I’m not mad, I’m not sad, I’m not anything aside from feeling a little empty, and it’s the empty feeling that I don’t like.  I don’t like not feeling any emotions.  I don’t like being so used to disappointment that I don’t even feel it anymore.  I don’t like that I can sit here and not even care that just a few hours ago I was worried sick about how I was going to hold a conversation in Spanish for two hours with a beautiful woman.  I hate the fact that I am so ready to accept being alone that it just doesn’t phase me anymore.  Sure, I can daydream about a wife and kids, but as soon as the possibility goes away, it’s like I never had the thoughts in the first place.

I know people don’t understand why I am always so serious and stoic.  I know it’s hard for people to see me as anything but a machine when it comes to emotions, but it’s because of moments like this.  It’s not one tragic moment or one great event that shut me down.  No, it’s the constant disappointment beaten into me again and again.  It’s my prom date who only wanted to go to the prom with me so she could hang out with her best friend.  It’s the nurse I met through a damn dating website who disappeared after not one, but two successful dates only to inform me she had been seeing another guy AT THE SAME TIME AS me, and of course she chose him over me.  It’s the girl I met at SCSU who wanted to make out in my dorm instead of going to class, only to tell me she wasn’t looking for a relationship after being my date for my 21st birthday party.  It’s the girls in high school I never had the courage to talk to, or the woman today who I just can’t meet because I’m working nights at McDonald’s.

This woman, on the surface, was perfect.  She works nights and has the weekends off.  We wouldn’t be able to see each other all the time, but often enough to develop a relationship.  I had plans of visiting her at work and bringing her a cup of coffee, one of her little pleasures.  She told me how lonely it is to come home to a cold bed at night and I told her how one of the only things I desire in a relationship is to have someone to talk to about my day when I come home.  She likes simple things, and while she may have an expensive taste in clothes, she dresses with class.  I am not interested in materialistic people, I think I have made that very clear throughout my searches for a partner, and she did not strike me as someone who judges based on things like that.  I was terrified of what she would think after viewing my photos, but she called me guapo (handsome) and was thrilled to learn I had blue eyes.  Her eyes are a coffee color brown and even her pictures I could stare at all day long.  Despite never seeing one another in person, I really started thinking that maybe we really did have something in common and maybe, after all my disappointments and failures I had found someone who not only could make me happy, but I could make happy in return.  I am not searching for a supermodel, and I don’t need a lot of money.  I just need someone who is looking for a shoulder to lean on and who will offer me the same when the time comes.

She had told me she didn’t feel well the last time we had spoken.  It’s very possible she is sick.  It’s very possible she feels bad about this and is just as worried that I will not want to talk to her as I am worried she does not want to talk to me.  It’s very possible we will reschedule and go out someday and we will laugh over it all, but right now, I am not laughing, nor do I feel I will be any time soon.  I am still holding onto the possibility that she will text me and say ok, we can hang out, but I have strong doubts on that.  I won’t let myself become desperate so I won’t send her any more messages today unless she sends one to me first.  I do feel a little bad (although I shouldn’t) if I am overreacting.  I don’t want to go through all of this only to find she is really ill.  My only contention to that is, why would you go to Wal-Mart if you felt so ill?  Her last message to me asked if I would be at home.  I told her I would wait for her.  Here I am, always waiting on someone.  I wonder if there has ever been a time when there was a woman waiting on me?  Somehow I doubt it.

In any case, I have a few more hours to sit here and contemplate things before I have to turn in for bed.  Maybe things will get better.  I’ll let you know.

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~ by James on November 3, 2012.

One Response to “It’s A Kind Of Hollow Feeling”

  1. […] a few more times and I mustered up the courage to ask her to get a cup of coffee with me.  Now, I went on and on here about that whole disaster and how it left me feeling and I probably should have backed off then, […]

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