Before I Get Myself In Trouble

Author’s Note: It should be noted by anyone reading this that I, the author, have every right to spend an entire blog post rambling on about one topic only to come back and contradict everything I have said in another.  This is my life, and if I want to change my mind, I have every right to exercise that option.  That being said, read on.

I decided I better write something here before I write something somewhere else resulting in trouble for myself.  What do I mean by this? Well, let’s discuss it.  When it comes to my likes in this world, I tend to overdo it.  If I find a hobby, I immerse myself in it.  When I decided to play the guitar, I bought every How-To guide in existence.  If I like a band, I buy every album they have ever put out.  When I started speaking Spanish, I had to have every possible program available to help me learn.  I have spent enormous amounts of money on hobbies and other obsessions in my life.  I have gone on and on about this before, but I like to set the stage for my entries.

If you haven’t guessed, when it comes to matters of the heart, I am just as over the top, and it has never really worked out well for me.  I fear I may be approaching that point with Maurice, and for that I have come here to vent and rant a little and hopefully prevent myself from saying or doing something stupid to push her away.

Let’s go over the story quickly so I can put it all in perspective for myself.  Rubi, a friend of mine from work, encouraged me to contact Maurice through Facebook at the very beginning of October.  I was nervous, but she assured me I had nothing to lose.  In that respect, she’s right.  I can’t get any more single.  I sent a message and received no response for two weeks.  I had gotten my hopes up a little bit, but not enough to worry, and after two weeks, I was ready to move on.  Then I got a response.  At first, our messages were sporadic and far between.  While I enjoyed having someone to exchange messages with in Spanish, it wasn’t much to go on.  It wasn’t until Hurricane Sandy hit last Monday that things changed.  For the first time, Maurice and I talked one on one.  It was still through Facebook messages, but in real time.  We literally talked for hours.  While the hurricane beat us around outside, the two of us chatted back and forth about all sorts of topics.  I was worried she was going to get bored with me, but as the afternoon wore on, I started to feel as if maybe something was developing here.  Now, from a neutral perspective, it should be noted it was nothing more than a conversation between two people…the first conversation between two people, and any rational person would say that while it was nice to have someone to talk to, one should not plan their future with this person around one conversation.  Of course by the time we said our goodbyes that evening, I was ready to propose to her.  If women were matches, I would be a tank of gas.  The slightest spark ignites me and I become obsessive.  Now, I’m not obsessive like stalker obsessive, which is just creepy, but I find I can’t get thoughts of her out of my head.  The problem with thinking about her is that I envision too many scenarios and soon, before we even really know one another I feel she and I our soul mates.

After that first talk, we chatted a few more times and I mustered up the courage to ask her to get a cup of coffee with me.  Now, I went on and on here about that whole disaster and how it left me feeling and I probably should have backed off then, but silly me, I let her stick in my head.  She apologized again and again for cancelling Saturday, leaving me thinking she really did want to meet face to face and the fact she was sick was not an excuse to bail on me.  The idea to ask her again on Monday was a spur of the moment decision and I had no expectations of it actually happening, so when she agreed, my hopes were renewed.  Should they have been?  Well, if two people are going to have a relationship, they have to meet face to face, however that presents the chance that after that meeting, decisions towards the negative will be made.  Of course, silly me, I left our coffee date all smiles.  She was talkative and friendly and genuinely interested in what I was saying.  My brain: She’s the one.  Real World:  She’s just a nice person.  She may very well have gone home and thought, “Well, he’s nice, but not my type.”  I went home and started making room for her stuff in my closet. (joke)  Because things went well in our first encounter, I immediately assumed it was a done deal.  I do this all the time.

I tried to remain suave, so I sent her a message suggesting we get together over the weekend.  she responded that she had plans.  Ok, no problem, but I had a bad feeling over it, even though it was only a text message.  (I read into messages way too much)  The red flags went off when I offered to bring her breakfast this morning.  (It was only a half hearted offer, but had she said yes, I was going to bring her a coffee and bagels)  She turned this down outright and I worried I had crossed the line already.  It seemed like an innocent enough offer, but perhaps I pushed too hard.  Also, it is very possible she is trying to distance herself because she is not interested in pursuing a relationship with me.  See, I am too logical when it comes to the whole relationship thing.  “Logical?” you scoff.  Ok, think about it.  I am single, she is single.  I am 31, she is 30.  I am looking for a Spanish speaking woman.  She speaks Spanish.  She is looking for a life partner, I am looking for a life partner.  I find her attractive.  While she has not said so, she did not appear repulsed by me.  In any case, by adding all of these things up, I see no reason we shouldn’t be perfect for one another, but there are other factors that clearly she is taking into consideration that either i have overlooked or am not worried about.  The one thing I try to avoid thinking about is the ethnic divide.  I hate to even bring it up, but it is very possible she is hesitant to be with me because of that.  Surely I find myself a little uncomfortable surrounded by Hispanics who don’t speak much English, but I am very willing to move past that if she and I were to be together.  In fact, I welcome the opportunity to involve myself more in the Hispanic community.  From what I see, they tend to be very welcoming of others, however my concern is jealousy from other Hispanic males.  Ok, again, I am projecting way too far ahead once again, but I suppose this could be an issue, both in her mind and mine.

I also believe that if she is not interested in pursuing a real relationship, she should tell me right away, but perhaps she wants to think it over, I don’t know.  I mean, I have never been the object of someone’s desire so I don’t really know how to best go about rejecting someone.   Well, in 8th grade I was, and I did actually turn that girl down, which made me feel bad both because I knew she had put herself out there for me and I rejected her and also because when I think back on it, I wonder if I should have just said yes to see where things had gone.  It should be noted in 8th grade I was 13.

It’s very possible this is my tragic flaw.  I still harbor that silly notion of true love being easy to come by.  When I first met Lisa in 2002 I totally expected we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.  Even when things were bad, I just accepted that’s how life worked and we would be together forever.  Erika, a girl I met in college, told me repeatedly she didn’t want a relationship despite spending several afternoons with me making out in my dorm.  We never…..you know, but now that I look back on it, I realize that is what she wanted and when I played to hesitant gentleman she gave up on me.  Again, I don’t regret not getting into that sort of relationship, but I wonder if she and I could have had a real relationship at some point.  Author’s note: She is currently married with her first kid.  Hmmm??  

So how am I avoiding getting myself in trouble by writing this today?  Glad you asked.  I imagine if I were not writing this to myself this morning, I would be writing some sappy love letter in Spanish to her.  Now, maybe she is a silly romantic like me and would get all flustered by a love letter, however I think it is much more likely that should I do something stupid and over the top like that she will simply stop talking to me altogether.  I kind of feel like I am in safety mode.  I have to tip toe very lightly for at least a few days and see what happens.  I am trying desperately to avoid contacting her at all unless she initiates contact with me.  I have never been able to play the hard to get game.  In fact, I am quite easy to get, another flaw of mine.  I think it best to scale it back a little and see what she is thinking.  While she made it no secret to me that she would like to find someone special, she has not suggested that someone could be me and she has several times said it is important to be patient.  Now, she could be telling me to be patient because she sees a possibility for us, or she could be telling me to be patient as a way of saying she and I are not meant for each other.  Either way, since I can not change anything, I have to relax and try to wait patiently.  Of course every time she talks to me, that spark lights the flame again.  The so called emotional roller coaster is not one I enjoy riding.  I mean, this whole thing began on the notion that we were both looking for someone to be with.  As harsh as it may sound, I am not looking for a new friend to chat with, so if she doesn’t see me as a potential partner, we should just stop now and get off the ride, right?  I don’t know.  I am sure I will be back someday in the near future either crying over her departure or planning our wedding.  One way or the other, we’ll talk soon.  Adios for now.

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~ by James on November 8, 2012.

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