A History of Women

My first “crush” that I can remember came on the first day of 2nd grade.  Sure, I was probably eight years old, but it is the first time I remember seeing a girl and thinking, “Wow, my eyes enjoy looking at her.”  Being incredibly shy and knowing nothing about social interaction, my days were spent awkwardly gazing at this girl when I should have been practicing my penmanship or something.  Do they still teach penmanship in school?  Do we still use pencils?  Anyway, nothing ever came of that.  I mean, what would have come of that?  At some point I am fairly certain I spoke to that girl and we may have even had fun in school, but unless we had lived in the same neighborhood it was unlikely I was going to meet her on the playground after school.  At that point in my life, girls still had the potential for coodies and I was hesitant to make any advances.  You have to be careful you know.

Elementary school is a difficult time, as you are surrounded by the same kids for five or six years.  If you don’t find your soul-mate here, you have to wait until the next round of schooling to find the one.  I lucked out a little bit in the fact that I fell for one of the “new kids” who joined my school around 4th grade.  Thinking back on this one, I realize now that she and I would have been perfect for each other, but again, my shyness killed my chances.  She was from Puerto Rico and spoke Spanish (could it be this is what sparked my interest in the Spanish language, all those years ago?  I never thought of that until today.)  She also lived in my neighborhood, which made it possible to see her outside of the classroom.  I don’t remember how we met officially, but I think it was through my best friend, who for no good reason hated her.  She lived across the street from him and they developed a fierce rivalry between one another.  I am not sure if he just secretly had a crush on her too, but somehow I started talking to her and we got along great and made each other laugh quite a bit.  I think this was the first time I fell for a girl simply because she seemed to enjoy being around me.  It wasn’t a physical attraction (how could it be in 4th grade) as much as it was an attraction to being happy together.  What an interesting notion.

Somehow it came out to my best friend, her arch nemesis, that I liked her.  While he never told anyone, he still mocked me and made me feel silly about admitting feelings for a girl.  This had an ever lasting effect on my interaction with females to this day.  Thanks best friend.  Again, she never learned of my feelings for her and eventually we were separated in middle school.

Middle school was more or less the worst schooling years of my life.  I imagine most kids will agree on this one, but it would have been nice if someone had warned me how bad it was going to be.  Middle school gives girls breasts and there were plenty to go around in my school.  Unfortunately, there were many more asshole guys for me to worry about to spend my time focusing on girls.  I was put into a class of smart kids, which is like rounding up the nerds and labeling them for all the assholes to see then leaving us to fend for ourselves on the school bus.  I had no particular crushes that I can recall, but for the first time I developed friendships with members of the opposite sex which for the first time gave our parents pause.  While I never really thought much of it at the time, I was given the freedom to travel (by bicycle) all over town and this often landed me and my friends at one of our female friends house.  Now, nothing ever happened (we were good kids) but it was the first time I found that a girl had an interest in me.

I was still in that denial stage where I was incredibly sarcastic and sort of mean to girls.  (I never poked them or pulled their hair like some guys, but you know)  I wouldn’t know where to begin when it came to a relationship (for an 8th grader) and I basically rejected her.  I still harbor some guilt about that even though our friendship deteriorated and we no longer talk to one another.  Again, I sometimes wonder what might have been.

High school was a crazy time for me.  Some of my friends absolutely hated high school, but looking back, I can honestly say those were truly the best four years of my life.  I went to a private school, which meant there were no dumbasses, unless they were rich dumbasses, and if they were, they had to behave or they would get kicked out, so suddenly I was on a level playing field.  I was surrounded by smart kids who actually did their homework.  My freshman year was tough only because I didn’t really know how to make friends, but thankfully a few people came along and talked to me.  During my four years of high school, I never dated anyone, but I made great friends, both guys and girls.  There were a few girls I had crushes on, and this made it hard for me, since I was so quiet.  Even when I joined my circle of friends, I never told them of the girls I was desperately in love with.  I am certain the girls probably figured it out at some point as they often caught me stealing glances their way and I realize now I probably came off kind of creepy that way, but I didn’t know any better.  Sure, I could have just said hi to one of them, but I never did.  In fact, I am pretty sure I never spoke  to them at all in my four years in school.  I wonder what might happen if I ran into them at a reunion?  I think they are married.  Probably.

I did manage to take my eyes off of them long enough to fall hard for my date to the junior prom.  She was from my hometown but managed to convince me to take her to my schools prom.  I thought she was interested in me, but really, she just wanted to go to my prom to hang out with one of her friends who went to school with me.  This was really the first devastating blow to my ego.  Despite my little crushes, she was really the first girl I imagined being with.  I spent time at her house and we sat together on the couch watching TV together.  I probably should have known she wasn’t interested when her parents had no problem at all leaving us alone at night.  They knew nothing was going to happen.  I had begun driving at this point and spent countless hours driving my friends around lamenting over her and my broken heart.  I really owe my friends for that one.  As far as my date, well whatever, I think she is married now too.

After high school, things got weird.  I went to college, I dropped out of college, I went back to college.  It’s all kind of a blur.  I had some interactions with females, but none of these occurrences lead to anything meaningful.  Guys my age were looking to fool around and get with as many girls as they could.  I wanted to find someone to have a relationship with.  Maybe that was my mistake, I don’t know.  Again, my social timidness prevented me from really meeting anyone.  Basically, college sucked and I could go on for hours in a separate entry just on that, but I don’t want to deviate from my babbling today.

During my in and out time at college, I fell for two people I worked with.  Obviously, neither one panned out.  One was a good friendship that never lead to anything more and another just simply was never meant to be.  My curse is to be friends with girls, never anything more.  Strangely enough, those girls I did meet in college who did not want relationships were not averse to, well, spending time together without being friends if you get my drift.  Again, not what I was looking for.

Since finishing my college experiment, I was dumb enough to sign up for at least two dating web sites.  I realize today, dating web sites are much more popular and it is slightly more common to actually meet people through these sites, but when they first hit, they were a joke and only loser like me used them.

Now, I have to cut in here and point out at some point during these years of solitude, I did find my one and currently only girlfriend.  She and I dated for a year and four months and we did all the boyfriend/girlfriend things we were supposed to do.  We went to dinner, we held hands, we kissed each other goodbye, and, well, yeah.  I was convinced this was it.  She and I were going to be together forever, and I was willing to accept that.  Then it started to get bad.  She was emotional.  In a very bad way.  She could go insane, and I couldn’t deal with that.  It wasn’t easy, but I finally broke it off with her and that was my experience with a girlfriend.  Now back to the dating sites.

I did go out on a few dates with girls I met on these sites, but aside from dinner or coffee, nothing happened.  Of course, by now I am somewhere into my mid-20’s and I have not had much luck in the way o relationships.  As the days pass by, I start worrying I will spend the rest of my years as a single guy.  I moved into my apartment in part as a way to make myself slightly more appealing to woman.  Not many girls are eager to come home with a guy living down the hall from his mom and little brother.  I did spend some time with two coworkers of mine who spoke Spanish.  No, not at the same time!  The first probably inspired my desire to speak Spanish fluently, as I didn’t speak very well when we started spending time together.  She disappeared, quite literally, and I found out she was pregnant with some other guys baby.  At least I hope it was some other guys baby!  In any case, that ended and I met another, but she had too many domestic problems of her own for me to deal with.

What is the point of me going on and on about this today?  Well, I guess I needed to explain to myself about all the girls/women in my life who have managed to disappoint me.  Second, I needed to use this as a way to vent and decide what I want to do in regards to my current situation.  That situation not being much of a situation at all.  This whole process was started anew by one of my coworkers, who I honestly believe had nothing but the best intentions, however, I am starting to think the girl in question was not necessarily as eager to meet me as I was to meet her.  That’s all well and good, but it allowed me to make a fool of myself if I pushed for something that was never in the cards.

I saw this woman’s picture and thought she was beautiful.  (She is)  I was told I should send her a message.  (I did) We talked and our conversation lasted hours.  How could I not think this was going to go great?  The fact is, any time anyone gives me even a little bit of attention, I run with it.  I got my hopes up way too fast, which I do all the time, and simply assumed she felt the same way.  In some fairy tale romance, sure, she and I would go great together, and in my mind, I still believe that, but there could be any number of things working against me that I just don’t know about.  I am this silly hopeless romantic who thinks a bouquet of flower and a teddy bear are all it takes to win a girl over.  The sad fact is that in today’s world, this just isn’t the case.  Let’s face it, she is Hispanic and does not speak English.  I am a white guy who works the shit shifts at McDonald’s.  Even if we got along great, there is no reason our families would feel the same way.  I am rather nervous about going to a party, for example, with all Hispanics.  It would be awkward to say the least and I am sure she would feel the same about hanging out with my circle of friends.  That’s just one of many potential problems.  I am the type who is willing to work past those types of things.  I went to a New Year’s Eve party a few years back and I was the only white guy there.  Awkward?  Very, but I did it.  To be fair, I doubt I would be as comfortable among Hispanics as she might be among English speakers.  That’s not to say I wouldn’t do my best to make her feel comfortable, but it would still be difficult.

I still hold on to the very weak thread that maybe she is interested and maybe I just need to be patient and let things unfold as they will, but based on my history written above, I think you can understand why I don’t want to be patient anymore.  I know you can’t rush something like this, but I am approaching 32 years old.  I want to start a family before my siblings have grandchildren.  As painful as it could be, I would much rather she simply say yes or no and we move on from there.  I know life is not as simple as yes or no, but a no would allow me to move on and a yes would show me there is still hope in this world.

In any case, I can’t keep doing this to myself.  For now, I am done.  I sent her a message yesterday and now it is up to her.  I won’t send her any more messages unless she contacts me.  Keep your fingers crossed.

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~ by James on November 10, 2012.

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