Thoughtfully Silent

It’s been a while since my last entry here, and while I have not been as dedicated to this blog as I am to my Spanish blog, I still feel I should offer a slight explanation as to my absence.  I intended several times to write something here.  In fact, I have at least one draft that I may go back and look upon, but the truth is, I’d rather not deal with that subject.  You see, after my last posted entry here, things got a little crazy, and to be honest, I found it very difficult to put into words the way I felt.  Things that happened in CT on December 14th will forever live in my memory and while I make no excuses for not writing something here, that can at least explain what was on my mind and why I struggled to find the proper words.  Again, I would rather not go back to that, rather I would like to take tonight as an opportunity to move forward and look ahead to the coming year.

As I sit here, the snow is falling quite heavily, as it has been since about 1:00 this afternoon.  I’ve spent my entire day indoors, aside from two trips to my car to brush it off so I won’t have to spend much time clearing the snow off of it at 4:00 tomorrow morning before I go to work.  There are days when I am perfectly content to sit here and enjoy a day of peace and quiet in my apartment, however on most days, I look forward to the opportunity to get out, even if only for a little while.  I knew it was going to snow today so I should have planned accordingly and made any trips I was going to make before the snow began but instead I managed to sit here all morning and then watch as the snow covered the ground.  I mainly listened to some music and I watched a little TV, but for the most part, I did a little silent reflecting upon things.

In years past, mainly since I started chronicling my life here in blog form, I have insisted that I don’t believe in making New Year’s Resolutions as they rarely stick and within a few weeks the idea of changing who I am has passed, leaving me, like so many others just as I was before the new year began.  Despite this, as I look back, I realize that like so many others, I have fallen into the trap of making those resolutions, even though I don’t consciously believe I will stick to them.  The best year I can recall came when I divided my resolutions into three categories.  I wanted to better myself in terms of health, wealth, and education so to speak.  As far as health, like everyone else in the country, I resolved to be more dedicated to going to the gym.  I have been a member of one gym or another for over ten years, so it wasn’t that I needed to join a gym, just that I needed to make sure I went.  Wealth simply referred to the idea that I would be financially responsible and work at getting my debt paid down.  The idea of paying it off is, well, not realistic, at least not in this lifetime.  Education referred to my continuing journey into the Spanish language.  I succeeded to some extent with all of these goals, but to be fair, they didn’t challenge me all that much.  Like I said, I have been a member of a gym for a long time, so all I had to do was go on a regular basis.  As far as money, I am cheap, so I just had to avoid any impulse buys throughout the year and I would be ok.  As we all know, I am still obsessed with Spanish, so all in all, those three things worked out.  I have tried to tweak these ideas, making it more difficult for me to accomplish them without at least a little effort, but it seems whenever I make a reasonable goal I somehow find a way out of it.  Last year, I had made the silly goal of saying hello to a total stranger at least once everyday.  I am incredibly shy and any form of communication with a total stranger causes my stomach to turn, so this goal quickly fell apart.  When it comes to social goals, my main intention is ultimately to find a girlfriend, as all roads in my life lead to this goal and the underlying meaning of just about everything I do is in the hopes of finding someone special to be with.  My failure to accomplish any socially based goal has started to really dampen my spirits.  Of course there’s no one to blame but myself for this, but it doesn’t change the fact I am still single as I approach 32 years of age.

So what am I getting at?  Well, basically, after sitting here, mulling over past goals achieved and failed, I tried to develop some sort of goal that will provide me the opportunity to find a girlfriend while not putting myself in socially uncomfortable positions.  Yeah, I didn’t come up with much.  There are simple solutions, or at least things that are easy enough to do that would potentially open up the door to the possibility of finding someone, as opposed to sitting here writing about it.  Let’s face it.  While I go to the gym to stay in shape, there are potentially single women there.  (I have yet to muster the courage to speak to anyone at the gym)  Being financially responsible, while being practical, will also provide me with the financial freedom to date someone without having to take them to Denny’s for dinner.  Speaking fluent Spanish opens the opportunity for me to date a beautiful Latina woman.  Do you see the hidden meaning in all that I do?  Now I have to figure out how to make it all work for me.

There are only two days remaining in 2012.  While nothing really changes on Tuesday, so many of us will start the day with the optimism that “This year is our year,” even though within a matter of weeks we will see that it’s really not our year any more than any other year was, but I have the slimmest of hopes that perhaps if I move quickly enough maybe I can defy the odds and find a little slice of happiness to add to my life.  I have enjoyed the last four years living here, but as I look ahead to 32, I am resigned to finding a partner before we finish the next 365 day cycle.

In the meantime, I should get going, as my day of reflection has brought me close to the time I should be heading to bed so I can get up at 4:00 in the morning and curse the day for a bit.  Again, my apologies for not being more dedicated here, but there’s plenty of Spanish blogging to go around.  We’ll talk soon.

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~ by James on December 29, 2012.

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