If I Only Knew……

So 32 came and went more or less as anticipated.  I gave some thought to writing something here on that morning, but the sentiment passed.  To be honest, I see no point in commemorating 32.  I suppose 35 or perhaps even 40 might necessitate some kind of celebration, but there’s really nothing special about 32.  I made it this far and now I just have to keep going.  I’m pleased that there were no surprise celebrations or impromptu singing on my behalf.  I think by now my friends and family understand that I don’t enjoy copious amounts of attention brought my way.  While certainly it was nice that I received a boat load of Happy Birthday messages on Facebook, that was really the extent of it and I am perfectly fine with that.  I received a phone call from Mom and went to dinner with two of my best friends, and aside from that, the days passed along as always.

Of course, in the days that followed my previous entry, some rather uncommon events transpired in my life that I have decided warrant some attention, and I feel I need to get these particular thoughts out in English.  Surely, I have given it some attention in my Spanish blog entries, but I kind of feel the need to release some of my inner thoughts without struggling to find the right verb conjugation.  It’s not a very long story, but I imagine my worries, preoccupations, and self doubts will lead to a rather long winded entry that will end with little to no resolution, so buckle in and get ready to be disappointed.

While I have offered quite a bit into my personal life and even a little bit about my past in my entries here, I should spend a little time explaining my current situation when it comes to romance and relationships.  From the time I was old enough to realize my attraction to the opposite sex, I always harbored these ridiculous romantic notions of sweeping some girl off her feet and living happily ever after.  Into my teen years, I often found myself longing after some classmate of mine, usually too afraid to speak to her but often knowing every minute detail of her life.  I would learn girls schedules and make it a point to see them as they exited the classroom.  I spent four years of high school hoping against hope that some girl I was pining after would cross my path and strike up a conversation with me, because I was too shy to start a conversation myself.  By the time I graduated, I realized this was not going to happen and if I wanted to find the girl of my dreams I would have to at least try to talk to some.  I went through college without much success, although I did come across a few girls who for some reason or another were willing to make out with me, keeping alive that hope that true love was out there somewhere.

As I drifted away from school and started spending more and more time working, it became more and more difficult to find girls in a social setting for me to talk to.  As the years past me by, I started to accept the idea that 1) maybe I wasn’t very attractive to other women based on: job, physical characteristics, financial status, personality, whatever, and 2) even if I were an attractive catch for some woman, I put myself in a position for it to be very difficult for me to meet anyone.  The end result of all of this is that thanks to a combination of low self esteem, a terrible work schedule, and a lack of viable options, I have been single for a very long time.  Now, I go back and forth on how I feel about this.  There are days when I am completely content to be a single guy with his own place and freedom to do as he pleases when he pleases (around that horrible work schedule of course.)  Then, there are days, especially when I see my sister and her husband and son, or my brother who, along with his wife, is expecting his first child, and I think I am really missing out on something wonderful.  I always tell myself I want a wife, a kid or two, a house, yada yada yada.  Sometimes I give up and think I just have to be happy with what I have, and then other times I feel like I am desperate to find companionship.  Then, something like what happened to me a week and a half ago happens and my whole life gets tossed around.

I came home from work one Sunday afternoon to find I had a new friend request on Facebook.  I rarely receive friend requests, especially from people I don’t know, so when I saw this one, I was a half step away from deleting it, however, curiosity got the better of me and I opened the message.  It was from a woman named Siria and she introduced herself as a friend of Adriana, a girl I worked with a few years ago.  I talk with Adriana on occasion on Facebook and she knows I am searching for a girlfriend, so it turns out she was chatting me up to her friend and convinced her to send me a message.  I wasn’t entirely sure how to take this, but Siria and I started exchanging messages (all in Spanish) and she seemed interested enough that I decided to ask her if she wanted to meet in person.  I mean, why else would a single woman send a message to a single guy if she were not interested in at least meeting?  To my delight, she agreed and we arranged our first meeting.  Yes, it all went very quickly, but we are both in our 30’s and I see no reason to beat around the bush.  Either she is interested or not, but I am not going to spend a lot of time trying to find out.  Of course, I have to be patient otherwise I could push her away, but there is no reason to pretend we are just friends if our ultimate intention is to find a mate.  Granted, it may turn out we are not right for each other, but better to know sooner rather than later.

Our first meeting ended up just being the two of us going  for coffee, but I have to say this.  She is very pretty, although tiny,  (Tiny is not a bad thing, it just took me by surprise.  I am not used to girls only coming up to my shoulders.) and I was instantly attracted to her.  Now, before I go on, let me point out this things that could be perceived as bad before I go into the good.  Ok, the big one: she has two kids.  Yes, I was not expecting to meet someone who already had children, but being that we are both in our 30’s (she is older than me, in fact) I can accept that she has children.  To be fair, they are in their teen’s, so it’s not like I have to worry about raising someone else’s children.  She speaks Spanish, which is great, and she speaks some English, but if she is not willing to put up with someone who doesn’t speak fluently with her it could be a problem.  Like me, she works a lot and this could make it difficult to see each other often, but honestly, this doesn’t worry me too much.  Let me give you some more of the good.  Like I said, she speaks Spanish, which of course I love.  She is very attractive, at least in my opinion, and from what I have learned of her, she is a fairly simple woman, not looking to go out and party but rather spend quiet evenings at home.  After our first coffee date, I was all over the place.  I couldn’t decide what to do.  I felt like she and I were absolutely perfect for one another and I regretted not being more forward about what I was looking for, but luckily, she seemed happy to talk to me more and I managed the courage to invite her over to my place for our second meeting.  Now, I had no idea what to expect, but I wasn’t going to do anything stupid.  In the end, we talked a lot and she only stayed about an hour and nothing overtly romantic took place, but we did talk about the possibility of a relationship.  Of course, this is inevitably where things go bad for me, or at least get lost in confusion.

I basically asked her flat out if she was looking for a relationship with someone.  Now, remember, she was the one who contacted me, so of course I thought she must be looking for someone, but her response was a bit confusing.  She told me she was rather happy with her current situation and she wasn’t looking for someone but that if someone came along she would consider it.  So, of course, now I am confused because I have to wonder, is she just not interested in me and that’s her way of letting me off gently, or is she telling me I need to work at this?  I would have thought she wasn’t interested, but then she showed up at my work on my birthday, with a gift for me no less.  I was totally taken by surprise and instantly thought that perhaps she just wants me to chase her a bit before she gives in.  I didn’t want to do anything too crazy, but someone suggested I bring her a coffee at her job as a sort of sign that not only did I appreciate her gesture, but that I was still interested in doing cutesy things for her.  She too seemed a little surprised to see me at her work when I showed up with a hot chocolate for her but she gave me a hug and thanked me and that is more or less where we have left things at the moment.  I am thinking of asking her to a movie or if I am truly daring, perhaps a bar, and the idea is that at the end of this date, I either kiss her or I don’t and see what happens.  I would think a kiss is safe and could at least suggest things are moving along, and no kiss means maybe I should just give up.

Here’s where a little more of the confusion kicks in.  From the moment we first talked until I gave her that hot chocolate, she was all I have been thinking about.  Just about every Spanish blog entry since I met her has talked about her in some way and I really started picturing things in my head regarding what it would be like to have a life with her in it.  Less than two weeks ago, I knew nothing of Siria, and suddenly I found myself wondering if maybe she and I would be good together.  When you list all the things I am seeking in the perfect mate, she fits the description pretty well, and I really wanted her to feel the same about me, but now, suddenly, I am starting to question the things I really want in life.  I tell myself I want a girlfriend and if that’s true, Siria is perfect, but for some reason I started asking myself if I do in fact want a girlfriend.  If she and I started dating, things would change dramatically in my life.  At first, I was perfectly ok with that, but then I started to wonder.  I mean, I like my life now, and while it is not perfect, I am more or less happy.  Am I questioning moving forward with her only because I am too afraid to make changes in my life, or am I really happy as I am?  Look, the fact is, if she told me today she wanted to be my girlfriend, I would happily accept, but if I have to convince her I am the right guy for her, will I regret it later?  Am I stupid for questioning myself when clearly all signs are that she and I could be happy together?  I know part of it is my own stupid inability to accept changes in my life, even when they are for the better.  It’s like I am afraid to sacrifice the little things I have in order for something better.  Granted, she may never be interested in me the way I am interested in her, but do I want to run the risk of getting hurt trying to make her see how I feel or should I clam up in my shell again and forget all about it?

The fact is, I just can’t seem to figure out what I want in life and I spend too much time thinking about it instead of doing anything about it.  Honestly, I am quite certain she and I would get along great and we could have a lovely relationship, but I can’t think about all the various possibilities or I will go crazy.  I know I just have to let things go along as they are and let the chips fall where they may so to speak.  I think my biggest problem is simply thinking too damn much.  I suppose my big epiphany from all of this is to simply relax and stop questioning everything in my life.  Right.  Wish me luck on that one.

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~ by James on April 29, 2013.

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