The Day After

I thought a good nights sleep would get my brain settled back into reality and I would be able to function like a normal human being for a while, but silly me, my obsessive compulsive side continues to rule my thoughts.  I woke up in the same state of mind as when I went to bed and I am not sure if I will be able to do much about it until I receive either good or bad news, and when I say good news, I mean excellent news, and when I say bad news, I mean soul crushing news.

The logical side of me, the part that thinks along the same lines as my friends, says I have nothing to worry about.  Nothing went wrong yesterday, so even if things don’t work out in the end, right now I should feel alive and confident about my situation.  I took a chance and I met a girl who I find attractive.  We talked and laughed for about an hour and a half, and when it was over, I had no reason to fear it would be the last time I saw her.  The emotional side of my mind, the part that tends to overpower the logical side, continues to fear and doubt all that has happened.  I suppose it’s simply a matter of recognizing past failures and associating them with current events.  Even logic dictates that given my past experiences, the numbers are not on my side.  I have gone on dates in the past but with only marginal success.  While I am not exactly a swinging bachelor, I have made feeble attempts at dating over the years.  The first date tends to go well, but it is the follow ups that are hard to get through.  At some point, I miss the opportunity to be more than just a friend and it quickly turns into the type of relationship I don’t want, where, sure, I am a fun guy to hang out with once in a while, but no one wants to hold my hand or kiss me good night.

I knew it was dangerous signing up for Match.com again and of course I knew the risks involved, but until you feel that sensation of fear and doubt, it’s hard to resist the idea of finding your soul mate through a few clicks of a mouse and some simple E mails to one another.  My subscription is for a year and I found Anne in less than two weeks.  I have 50 weeks to find any number of other women, but I don’t want to find other women.  I have been going through and angrily deleting profiles of women who post pictures from in a bar, in front of their bathroom mirror, or with their dog.  (Editor’s note: I like dogs, but I am not looking for a date with your dog, keep them out of the photos.)  I have been resisting the urge to send her a message even though I have so much I want to say.  I have seen Swingers, I know how that situation will end.  No matter what, no matter how I feel, no matter how she feels, we both have to keep our respective distance so as not to come off as lunatics.  Of course, she may not want to get any closer.  This is the fear that grasps at my soul.  Ok, that and the idea that she may be waiting for me to message her and I am not doing it.  This is why I will undoubtedly send her a message at some point today.  The question is, will it be simple and sane or some sappy pile of crap?  I was glad she pointed out early on that she likes comedies much more than romances when it comes to movies.  This saved me from a lot of melodramatic romantic crap that I would have tried to pull off.  In a lot of ways, she and I are very similar.  She does not seem interested in materialistic things.  She did not show up to our date looking to impress me.  I got the sense that she wanted to just put herself out there plain and simple and see how I reacted.  Of course, anyone who knows me, knows I have a thing for plain.  She was pretty without makeup (which means she probably looks really good with make up) and she did not dress to show off anything.  I really do believe she would be more comfortable watching a movie at home than going to the theater, and for me, that is perfect, but I feared she was going to think I wanted to do all those crazy things.  We talked a little about travelling and she did mention that she has left the country twice, but she made no mention that she planned on doing it again anytime soon.  Of course, after spending ten minutes with her, I would have traveled to any part of the globe with her.  she asked about my work, and of course I always cringe at the thought of sharing what I do, but she did not criticize it and when I told her I wanted to be an owner some day she seemed impressed.  When she said she was raised with small town values, I believed her and I believe that we could get along great if she sees that I want the same things as her.

She is competing in something called Spartan Race this weekend and I could very easily send her a message that says “good luck.”  Of course, I am off all day tomorrow and the desire to see her is going to burn a hole in my chest.  Thank goodness for Prilosec.  Perhaps I will just mention that I am around and see if she suggests we hang out.  That would make my week.  I have a few ideas for possible dates following her marathon, but i will wait until after she gets back to throw those ideas at her.  On one hand, I feel dinner is so generic for a second date, but then again, she doesn’t want anything fancy.  I have to find a good middle ground.  I have a few thoughts in mind.

I went for a drive this morning, basically taking a broad loop around town.  Sometimes a good ride in the car helps to clear the mind, but I found myself writing the text to this entry in my mind so I came back to write it all down before i go to the gym.  For now, I think I am done, but we’ll see how the rest of my day goes.  Updates to follow, for sure.

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~ by James on August 7, 2013.

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