I decided to take a moment tonight to look over this blog and pay some careful attention to it.  While I have been doing my best to post here as regularly as I can, I noticed that often in my haste to get it all down on paper, I leave out some of the essential elements that attract readers to what I have to say.  At some point, I stopped adding tags to my posts and typically categorized everything in the “My Life” section, which is fair, as everything I write about is in fact about my life, but I guess if I actually want people to read my ramblings, I should do something to attract attention to it.  This is not to say I am going to go back and add tags to all my recent entries, although the thought had crossed my mind.  I haven’t really decided if my intentions ever were to have others read this or if it was just meant to be an outlet for my insanity.  That being said, I am placing this entry in four different categories and I will probably add all sorts of random tags just to see what happens.  In any case, I should get on with what I wanted to say before I lose any more of my readers.

It’s been nearly two years since I started this blog.  I was already half-way through my first year of being in my 30’s and I felt I needed to get caught up if I wanted to truly chronicle my fourth decade of life.  My hopes were to keep things rolling until that magical moment when I found myself settled with a family and all that goes along with being in your 30’s.  If you’ve spent any amount of time browsing my entries here, the majority of them are my musings over being a single, middle-class, white male who works a fairly mundane job in a relatively quiet location basically mulling along through life without any great action or adventure taking place.  I don’t have a bad life.  I am healthy, I have a roof over my head, my family is relatively close, I have never been arrested, and day to day nothing overly exciting occurs in my life.  I am a quiet guy who enjoys having a fairly simple life, but the feeling that I am missing something is always nagging at the back of my mind.  Ever since I can remember, I have had school boy crushes on the girls who cross my path in life.  I have always been shy and this has always hampered my ability to flirt with girls and have any kind of relationship aside from friendships with them.  Yes, I have had girlfriends, but they have often been girls I either met through the internet, where magically I can be a different person, or with people I work with, which is just a bad idea.  I lamented not having a girlfriend in high school, I felt cheated I never met the girl of my dreams in college, and as I sit here now, I fear I will never find the woman I want to marry and have a family with.  Now, I used to console myself by telling myself, “Hell, my parents found each other, I am bound to find someone.”  Apparently that logic doesn’t work.

These last few days have been hell on me.  Until about two weeks ago, I had been resigned to accept the fact I may never marry and have children and that would be ok.  If you’ve been following my recent entries, you already know that I could take it no longer.  I went back to and desperately hoped to find someone.  Of course, while I had hope, my realistic side told me not to get overly hopeful as I was unlikely to find anything more than disappointment.  I had six months to poke around online and if I didn’t find a date, they’d toss me another six months for free only because they are so sure I will find someone in the given six months.  The fact that I not only found a profile of a woman I found attractive but that she also lived in the same town as me blew my mind, and even though I sent a “wink” to let her know I was interested, I had little hopes she would reply….but reply she did.  Now, it would be very easy for an outside observer to say I simply jumped at the first thing that came my way, but this is really quite far from the truth.  In fact, I was so skeptical, it took me a day or so before I even had the courage to send that wink.  I was so sure I would be ignored or rejected I didn’t even want to take the risk, but I finally did, and when she responded, i was elated.  Of course, just a response of a return wink is really not much more than a “Hey, I may be interested too, let’s see what happens.”  It wasn’t until we E mailed one another that suddenly Anne became a real woman, someone I found myself attracted to, someone I wanted to know more about.  The E mails were spread apart, sometimes coming more than a day after I had sent one to her and I worried maybe she was just humoring me by responding, but when I suggested we get coffee and she agreed, I was beside myself.

Of course, being me, I was excited and terrified all at once.  I think I was just as terrified of things going well as I was of things going horribly.  See, if the first date goes bad, well, it’s easy to cut your loses and move on.  If things go poorly, yes, it sucks, but there is no emotion involved, no hard feelings.  Hey, we tried and we weren’t meant for each other.  No big deal.  No, my fear was that things would go well and I would fall into the trap of getting overly attached too soon.  I know from experience it is very easy to kill a relationship before it even starts by pushing too hard.  I swore i would not let myself get hung up on her, no matter how well things went.  I knew I couldn’t take getting hurt again.  I knew if I let her get into my head, I would only end up in pain again.  So what happened?  It went well of course.  At least, it went well in my mind.

We talked, we laughed, and we connected, at least in my mind we did, even if just a little.  As we chatted, I tried not to get fantastical but I couldn’t avoid picturing a future with her.  No, I wasn’t imagining kids and dogs and cats and houses and all that, but I was picturing maybe a nice dinner at her place, a night out with friends, a picnic with family, those sorts of nice things couples do together.  Now, she said clearly in her profile that she is not seeking someone to attach themselves at her hip and I certainly enjoy my time alone as well, and I started thinking the two of us could really have something nice together if we are willing to take it slow and steady.

The date itself lasted only an hour and a half, but in that time I felt very comfortable with her.  In the past, anytime I was on a first date, I found myself tense the entire time, unable to relax and be myself.  With her, within just a few moments I felt at ease, like we were old friends who had been meeting for coffee for years.  Since we parted, I have been unable to think of anything but her, or at least the possibility that she didn’t enjoy our time together as much as I did.  I know I have no reason to panic.  I just can’t help myself.  There is no reason to think I won’t speak to her again.  We are not children.  We are both adults looking for someone to spend time with.  Even if she didn’t think I was the right guy for her, as an adult I would hope she would at least have the decency to tell me and not leave me hanging.  I sent her a message just telling her I had a nice time and i wanted to see her again but I didn’t suggest anything specific as I didn’t want to really push my luck, but I was a little disappointed she didn’t write back.  Ok, seriously, it’s been like 48 hours since I saw her, not weeks.  I have no reason to be so overly panicked about this, yet for some reason I feel like I have gone back in time, back to when i was a naive teenager who obsessed over every possible detail.  Maybe it’s because I feel something towards her I haven’t felt in a long time and I am scared of losing it again.  I should really hope she can’t find my blog as she would probably think I was some crazy stalker (I’m not, really) but is it even possible I can feel so attached to someone I just met, or am I just letting myself fall into that trap again?  I really don’t know.

The plan now is to wait until Sunday.  Yeah, that won’t kill me.  If I don’t hear anything from her by Sunday night, I’ll send her another message, this time with a specific date in mind.  If she accepts, great, things are solid.  If she rejects it or does not reply, well, I guess it’s all over.  I know it’s foolish to think she would say no, especially when she said during our first date that she would go to dinner with me, but I can’t help but think the whole time we were together she was wishing it were all over.  I hope not.

Of course, now I can’t even look at other profiles on Match.  No one interests me and even the ones from here in my town don’t appeal to me.  I have six months of free profiles I won’t look at.  Great.  Certainly, the hunt for the perfect mate is a part of life, and should I be successful, it will all become a thing of the past, but right now I am tired of hunting.  I just want someone to put my arms around and feel close to.


~ by James on August 8, 2013.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: