Mediocre Me

I have always been an extremely average person, if that makes any sense.  I’m average height, I’m average weight (at least I think), I wear average clothes and I have an average income.  As a kid, i was an average student.  I played sports like the average kid.  As much as I may have wanted to, I never stood out as above average in much of anything.  I often took up hobbies in which I had a desire to excel, but often, like everything else in my life, I managed to be average at it.  Now, this isn’t all bad of course.  Being average allowed me to fit in with just about any crowd of people and ultimately I fell in with a group of people who are more or less average like me.  The thing is, I am tired of being like me.

I am 32 years old, and while there is nothing particularly tragic about my life, being average is akin to being boring.  I have floated along for three decades content with what I’ve got and accepting that there isn’t a whole lot I can do about it.  Of course, there have been moments in my life, flashes of brilliance in which I decided I would reach up and be something more.  I used to think I could play professional sports, and I dedicated every waking second to improving my abilities to the point I could go pro.  I am extremely stubborn, and when I get an idea in my head that I can do something, don’t try to stand in my way.  Eventually, my dream of playing pro basketball was crushed, but believe me, it took almost four years to break me.  I wouldn’t give in and no matter how far from my goal I felt I was, I still believed I could do it.  The problem with having dreams like this, especially for an average guy like myself, is that the harder we work, the harder it is when we are finally broken.  I have been built up and broken back down so many times, sometimes I feel like I am better off being content with the average life I have.  But, like I said, every so often i have these moments where I tell myself I can change who I am through sheer determination alone.  It happened again in my 20’s when I decided I could transform myself into some perfectly formed physique by going to the gym 6 days a week.  With a lot of effort, I did in fact transform my average frame into a fairly well-built body, unfortunately, injury brought a halt to that endeavour.  Once again, however, through anger, stubborness, frustration, and all other sorts of negative emotions currently running through my mind, I feel like once again I need to get myself in shape physically to the point I am happy, not just average.  Like I said, injury slowed me down last time, and of course I need to be careful if I am going to start being a gym rat again, but I can not let that injury, something that happened some 8 years ago, stop me from being successful.  I will not make excuses for failure.

I have been wallowing around feeling sorry for myself for absolutely no reason the past few days and I’m tired of it.  Being happy is a choice, just like being miserable.  I can sit here and wonder what is going to happen in the next few days or I can go out and live my life and let things go as they will.  I can choose to do the things that make me happy and not worry about what will happen with other aspects of my life.  Look, I know I say I want certain things in my life, and I do, and I will continue to search for those things until I find them, but I can’t let one failed search for happiness prevent me from finding other successful ones.  I may never truly rise above average in all that I do, but that doesn’t mean I have to settle for it.

I might wake up tomorrow and discover all my stupid concerns were for nothing.  Like my best friend said, if it doesn’t work out, I have really lost nothing.  I have to just shuffle on, do what I have to do and be happy with who I am and what I’ve got.  And with that, I’m off to the gym to transform myself one more time.

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~ by James on August 10, 2013.

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