The Things I Want

The idea of blogging about my life is not something that came naturally to me.  I like to write, however the idea of putting it all out there for the general public was not something that had ever truly crossed my mind.  It wasn’t until a few years back when a friend cracked a joke about posting something in my blog that the wheels started turning.  In fact, when he made the joke, I had never even heard of the term blog.  Gives you an idea of when this all started.

I kept a journal when I was about eight years old.  I used a number 2 pencil to jot down my thoughts, fears, and dreams as a child.  At some point during my adolescence, I buried the journal in the trash and kept my thoughts to myself.  Through the proliferation of the internet, I found some outlets for my thoughts through online profiles on AOL and MySpace but the idea of a journal slipped away from me.  After hearing the term blog, I became intrigued and found myself signed up for a LiveJournal account.  Of course, after my initial research, I thought a blog had to be focused, topic oriented, not just some random collection of my stream of thought ideas.  I decided to chronicle my attempt at becoming a published author.  it probably would have made more sense to actually write, not just write about writing, but I digress.

My LiveJournal account didn’t last very long, and I soon found myself back to either containing my thoughts in obscure Facebook posts or not writing much of anything at all.  My natural instinct, however, is to write and I soon found new ways to express myself.

When I moved into my apartment several years ago, I saw it as an opportunity to tackle all the goals I had ever set for myself.  I was free to live as I chose and I could spend as much or as little time on my hobbies as I wanted.  Speaking Spanish was my passion at the time and I was constantly seeking out advice on how to improve, and lo and behold, my two passions came together.  Someone suggested blogging in Spanish as a means of improving my reading and writing ability in the language.  I quickly jumped over here to WordPress and signed up for my free account.  My Spanish blog is still going strong, as I post at least one entry a day and I am quite proud of it.  Of course, my intention when starting that blog was simply to improve my ability to communicate in a second language, so the topics tend to be fairly basic with vocabulary that is not overly complex.  Sometimes I try to branch out and discuss more complicated themes, but ultimately, I am still at a level where I need to keep it simple.

My frustration in not being able to express myself brought me here to me second blog.  I found myself entering my 30’s with little to show for my life and I decided blogging about it would possibly jump start my life into action.  Two years later, I am still more or less in the same situation, but I have been increasing the frequency in which I post here, posing the question, do I have a lot more to say all of a sudden, or am I just becoming desperate for attention?

Obviously, anyone can stumble across this page and read about my life.  Despite knowing this fact, I rarely acknowledge that what I say here may actually reach the general public.  I often feel I am talking to myself when I am writing this, or, in fact I imagine writing to an imaginary spouse.  I find the things I say here are the things I would want to say to a woman, a  girlfriend, a wife.  Not all, but most of the ramblings I present here are intended to show who I am to the one I want to know who I am.  I feel very few people in the world know the real me.  There are a few, and to them I would talk in this way, but to most of the world, I am not so open.  In person, I tend to be quiet and reserved and when I do finally open up, I can be dry witted and sarcastic, which may be entertaining at times, but certainly isn’t all there is to me.

For anyone inclined to read other posts I have made here, you will see I tend to go back and forth on the things I want out of my life.  Some days I want to keep my simple life exactly as it is.  I have a simple job, a simple apartment, a simple car.  I am not rich, but I pay my bills on time.  I don’t have fancy things, but I have when I need.  I like the things I have.  I don’t often long for more, but the reality is, I do fantasize about a different life, or better said, my life with a few improvements.

I have seen my share of unhappy people.  I have seen my share of unhappy couples.  I don’t want to be the guy who is tied to a woman he doesn’t truly love.  Sometimes I think, after seeing so many unhappy couples that I am better off being single.  Then I see the happy couples.  I see the couples who share a beautiful wedding, who raise beautiful kids, and who live beautiful lives.  I can’t help but want that for myself.  My siblings have that and I worry I never will.  For me, it’s not about having things, but having the things that make you happy.

I’ve made choices in my life, and while these are choices I personally don’t regret, the fact is they directly affect why I am still single.  On the surface, I have nothing to offer that another guy could not offer someone.  Sure, I have a roof over my head, a job to go to, and a car that gets me there, but just about every guy has that.  I am not looking for a specific type of woman, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to find a woman who would accept me over someone else simply based on outward appearances.  I used to get angry about this.  I used to be critical of women who, to me, appeared to be overly materialistic and only concerned about appearances.  I don’t want to date a supermodel and I don’t want to be with a woman who thinks she needs to own a thousand dollar purse, however, when it comes down to it, it’s me, not her, that is the one being judged.  Sure, I can eliminate those I am not interested in, but when I find women who I feel would be great for me, I have to realize that I am now being placed alongside a slew of other men who, even if in similar situations to myself, may have the one detail that sets them above the rest.

I don’t think I am a bad guy, and I don’t think I would make a bad boyfriend/husband, but it may only take one detail to brush me aside.  That other guy wants to go to Europe.  Some other dude builds model trains.  This guy can compete in half marathons.  It could be anything, but if I can’t offer at least one outstanding trait, I will be pushed to the back of the line.  I can’t really argue with that mentality, as it’s logical, no?

So what do I want?  I want someone to read this and think, “That’s the thing missing from the other guys.”  I want to present myself as someone who has something to offer to someone that makes me just a little bit better than the next guy.  I realized as I scrolled back over my previous entries that I have been trying to sell myself all along.  I talked about the things I loved growing up.  Wouldn’t it be great to find a woman who loved The Wonder Years as much as I did?  I talked about my failed hobbies.  Juggling, baseball, basketball, guitar, piano, comic book drawing, noveling, speaking Spanish, speaking Italian, speaking French, all of these are little quirks about my life that I want to show to the right woman and shout, “Look at me, I’m interesting.  I would make a good husband/father/life partner.”  I feel like I should carry business cards with a link to this page that I can hand out to women at the supermarket and they could go home and read all about my life.  “Wow, this guy is kind of cool, let me get to know him.”

Look, I am shy and it is a debilitating aspect of who I am.  I may never get over it and because of this I may never speak to a stranger who could possibly become the love of my life.  This scares the living daylights out of me.   I see old people all the time.  I don’t want to become the lonely old guy who eats alone at the diner every night until he dies.  I want to spend my remaining years surrounded by my friends and family.  I love my brothers and sister and I am thrilled they have children of their own, but I would feel so much more complete if I had a wife and children of my own to shower with gifts and take to the park and grow old with.

Look, the clock is ticking.  I mean, I thought it was a clever title, but the fact is, I am 30 years old and counting.  I am already halfway to 33 and while I don’t want to rush anything, I would like to be able to raise a family without worrying about living in an old folks home before my kids graduate high school.  I wanted to be settled by now.  I know you can’t pick and choose how life goes, but I wanted more for myself by this point.  I know, I know, I have always been a few steps behind anyway, so I shouldn’t worry too much, but my 15 year reunion is next Spring and I would like to have a date to go with me.

In any case, talking about it all here isn’t making any progress for me.  Maybe I’ll go desperately seek out a companion on again.  Wish me luck.


~ by James on August 16, 2013.

2 Responses to “The Things I Want”

  1. I stopped using match a few weeks ago… too many awkward dates and some douches lol. My coworker showed me and I’m a big fan of that over the others in terms of actually meeting people vs. just entertainment. It has a different approach that feels less sketchy cause you and your friends essentially act as “wingmen”. I like that it helps you find things to do too. Skout’s okay too, but still has it’s fair share of creepers

    • I am honestly not sure how much longer I can go on being ignored after the first few E mails. I wish women would have the courage to just say No thank you. At least then I wouldn’t have to question what is wrong with me. In any case, thanks for the comment and don’t hesitate to write back if you like.

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