The Truth

I have always held onto this naive optimism that there are good people out there, people who are not so different than me, people who may even see a future in dating a guy like myself.  When I say good people, don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of good people out there, but today I am referencing those who are single females over the age of 25 who may be looking for a potential mate.  I know, I am just as tired of writing about this as you are of reading it, but it needs to be put out there.

After a long discussion with a good friend of mine the other day, I came to a realization.  It was not so much an epiphany or anything of that sort, but rather an acceptance of some truths that I had been trying to avoid.  Putting them down here on paper may seem frivolous, but sometimes it is too easy to ignore the truths until they are put out in front of you where they can’t be denied.  Let’s get on with the truth.

I got myself all worked up after one date with one woman from Match.com.  She never spoke to me again, which was rather hurtful, not so much because she wasn’t interested, but because I had no idea why.  I thought our coffee date had gone rather well.  We talked and laughed a bit and seemed to have similar senses of humor.  Despite what I thought had gone well, apparently was enough for her to decide I was not worth a second date.  i began questioning everything, from my choice of clothes to things I said, to things about who I am.  I suspected it had something to do with my job, which irritates me to no end, but since nothing was ever told to me, it’s hard to know if that’s true or not.  I should add, however, that she works for the IRS and makes a pretty nice salary.  That will come up again later.

Fast forward a couple weeks and I wake up to find I have two new E mails from two nurses.  One lives a bit far from here and is a single mother so I did not really push for anything from her, although I was polite, unlike some people, and I responded to her messages.  In fact, she was the one who stopped contacting me, but again, it was probably for the best.  The second message came from someone who lived a bit closer and seemed to be more likely to be someone I could go out with.  We exchanged E mails a few times and it seemed like things were going well, then came the apparent dagger to the heart.  She asked what I did for work, and I told her, and while I often feel like I have to defend my job from the very first second I mention it, I am not ashamed of it nor do I think I should be judged by it.  Well, it seems the truth here is that I will be judged by it, more than any other characteristic of who I am.  She did not reply to me after that even after I sent her one more message and I have come to the conclusion that too must also have been what caused Anne to run off.  Now here’s the kicker.

Both Anne and the nurse claim they are looking for a simple relationship with a down to earth guy.  (I am paraphrasing a bit, but nowhere in their profiles do they mention the importance of occupation or salary as a make or break feature of a guy.)  While it was never said, I have to imply that they got one whiff of what I do for a job and ran away without ever being bothered to get to know me just a little bit.  Ok, sure, it is very possible they are being bombarded with messages from all sorts of guys and I guess it is fair to say they are simply more inclined to go for the guy with money over a guy like me, but guess what?  That’s bull shit.

Here’s the thing, and this is the truth I have come to accept.  Ultimately, while girls say they want happiness, for them, happiness is the assurance they will have a guy to take care of them financially so they can use their money to buy hand bags and makeup.  I am not looking for a girl to take care of, nor do I want her to take care of me.  I want to find a girl who is interested in sharing the simple pleasures of life, such as making breakfast together or going for a walk at night, but it seems, even when there are those women who claim to want those things as well, it is more important that the guy bring home plenty of money first.  This sickens me.  Look, no one wants to live in poverty, but I am pretty sure together with anyone who makes as much or more money than I do we could have a fairly comfortable life.  Sure, I often find myself living pay check to pay check, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t be able to go out for a nice dinner and a movie a few times a month or take the (potential) kids for a day trip somewhere.  Sure, that trip to Cancun may require some savings, but it wouldn’t be out of the question.

I get so frustrated not only when it comes to matters of money, but when it comes to matters of my job which no one, aside from others in the same field, know anything about.  And this is where my friend’s advice comes in.  His truth is that I should not even be talking to IRS employees or nurses, as they will automatically judge me on my salary.  I should be seeking out other women in similar fields of work who would date me.  Ok, fair enough, but why should I limit myself based on income?  It’s one characteristic of who I am, of who we all are, that I have never taken into account.  I guess the truth is that no matter what women say and what they want us to believe, they really are, in the end, only looking out for their own best interests.  Sound bad?  Sure it does, and I am disappointed to say it, but given my experiences, I have no other data to prove it otherwise.  As soon as I make mention of my job they run away without ever stopping to ask what is involved with what I do or if I even enjoy what I do.  There is this assumption that even if they accept what I do for a living, I should be looking for more.  I have tried explaining that while there are no guarantees, should I ever be in a position to be owner/operator of the store I work in, well, it brings in a lot more money than an IRS employee, I promise you that.

Ok, sure, that may never happen, but should that be the basis on which we determine if we can have a relationship or not?  It’s not about having someone to wake up to in the morning, rather someone who has a solid 401k?  I wish I could find a way to put this all into my profile and see who responds, but I doubt many would.  It’s too bad the women can’t be more honest in their profiles and stop saying all they are looking for is someone who enjoys the outdoors, because that’s a line of bull.  Sure, they like being outdoors, after some douche in a BMW drives them to the park.

I’m starting to let myself get annoyed and it makes my writing all the more bitter.  I don’t drive a BMW and I don’t want to drive a BMW.  I don’t even know what kinds of things I should own in order to impress anyone.  I have always had the things I felt I needed and I rarely go for more.  I guess I just don’t understand how the world works.  I always thought there were things more important than bank accounts and jobs and cars and all that but it seems I may have to dig a lot deeper to find someone who believes in those same ideals that I have.

I don’t like these truths because it leaves me with a bad feeling towards almost all women.  I feel I need to be suspicious of all of them.  I won’t lie.  My job is what it is.  I know I should say take it or leave it, but I fear it will leave me very alone for the rest of my life.  I am not really sure why I continue to torture myself this way, but I don’t see myself giving up any time soon.  It’s a shame my family did not have a prearranged marriage worked out for me.  Whatever, that’s all I have for tonight.  Back to the search engines.

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~ by James on August 20, 2013.

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