Why Does It Have To Be So Complicated?

And the clock keeps ticking…..

I woke up yesterday morning at 6:30, without an alarm clock.  The prospects for the day had me so excited, I couldn’t stay in bed.  I had to get up and start my day.

Today, I had to convince myself it was worth crawling out of bed after falling back asleep for an hour after my alarm sounded.

How quickly my mood can be changed.

Things had been going so well in my mind, I was convinced nothing could bring me down.  We had been going through all the protocol and everything was perfect.  We had exchanged E mails.  Trust was established and we exchanged phone numbers.  First, it was text messages, but soon a phone call was made.  Several phone calls, more text messages, conversations that lasted late into the night, and then finally, a request to meet in person.  A simple first date was arranged, a coffee date in the middle of the afternoon in order to avoid too much pressure or expectations.  We arrived on time, talked, laughed, and had what I thought was a good time.  For an hour and a half, I had no reason to think anything could possibly go wrong.  For an hour and a half, I let my thoughts wander to a future with someone while we talked about her job, her plans for the weekend, her obsession with Candy Crush.  Nothing during that hour and a half sent up any red flags, but then, suddenly, as if an alarm clock went off for her, she told me she had a meeting with a colleague at 6:00 and she had to go.  While I didn’t think she was making this up, I found it odd that she hadn’t mentioned it sooner.  I told my brain to shut up and despite my disappointment, decided it was a good time to part ways.  I was going to walk her to her car, but she basically stopped me halfway between my car and hers, gave me a hug and said she would call me.  The phone call never came.

Just like my last “first date” I suddenly had that feeling that it was also the last date.  I had not made plans for after the date, as i was not expecting to be home by 6:00 so now I had the whole night to sit around and brood over what had just happened.  Did she really have a meeting to go to, or was that her “out” plan?  I sat around all night in a rather stoic mood.  I wasn’t letting myself get depressed or angry, but I certainly wasn’t feeling positive about the whole thing.  While I had no reason to suspect anything had gone wrong, I have a sense about these things and my sense was right the last time, so I can only assume I will be right again.  I hope to be wrong, but the eerie silence that followed our date leads me to think I will once again be looking through profiles.  Since exchanging phone numbers, we had been texting almost constantly, but then, after the date, silence.  That was my first indication things we not going to continue.

Finally, around 10:00 last night, I could take it no longer.  I know I shouldn’t have, but I sent a text, what I call the guilt trip text, that said, “Hey, I had a great time, hope you did too, blah blah blah….”  Now, the confusion sets in.  She replied, which I was pleased with, but it was nothing to suggest she was head over heels about our date.  I was ready to give up when she sent a second note wishing me good night.  Now, that could have just been meant to be polite, or perhaps she realized I was having doubts and she sent that to ease my fears.  Honestly, I have no idea.

We had been moving along so smoothly, the sudden stop took me off guard.  She may have just decided to slow down, not come to a complete stop, but either way, it has thrown a wrench into my brain.  I keep telling myself to knock it off.  I can’t get so emotional so easily.  All my friends tell me, “You just have to wait and see,” and it is the absolute last thing I want to hear.  I am tired of waiting.  I let myself get so excited this time, I thought all was just going to fall into place.

She’s tall.  Not taller than me, but about my height, which makes her seem tall only because I am usually taller than girls I am attracted to.  This doesn’t bother me, but I started wondering if she was thinking about it.  I know height can be an issue for both guys and girls.  She is actually physically bigger than me.  She is not fat, that would be mean and inaccurate to say, but she is a big girl in the sense she is tall and has hips and arms to match.  Again, I am not bothered by this.  I am attracted to her and I don’t care if she makes me look small, but I wonder if this was going through her mind at all.  There were moments when I thought perhaps she was a little nervous, but she seemed comfortable talking to me about her job and her personal life, so I thought everything was OK.  She smiled when we talked and I found myself admiring her face and looking into her eyes.  I know I can be shy about making eye contact, but I found several times in which we were looking right at each other.

I don’t know what she was thinking.  I never know what women are thinking.  Maybe she was thinking about the future and couldn’t picture me in it with her.  Maybe she was nervous.  Maybe she thought I wasn’t interested, which is always a fear I have.  I am interested.  I do like her.  I like the conversations we had on the phone.  I liked feeling comfortable with her from the beginning.

I don’t want to be the one to start chasing her.  I don’t want to send messages that go unanswered.  I let myself get wrapped up too much in Anne and she and I never even exchanged phone numbers.  I don’t want to go through this all again.  I know, despite how much I hate it, my friends are right, I can only wait.

So once again, here I am, getting my hopes up over something I have very little control over.  Who knows, maybe tomorrow I will be writing about some good news?  I certainly hope so.  Until then…

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~ by James on September 6, 2013.

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