Making Some Changes

I get myself worked up more over the idea of something than the actual reality of having that thing.  I had been pining over the potential of having a relationship with someone, so much so that I let myself become enamored with the idea of dating an idea, not the actual person.  It is hard for me to go into a situation like that with open eyes, as I so often let myself build things up in my mind that I am blind to the realities.  What the hell am I talking about?  Well, let’s see if I can explain.

I signed up for on a whim, more or less, however the deeper thought was that I would miraculously find my soul mate within a few hours of sharing a profile.  That being said, after the initial few days of no responses, I started finding hope in even the smallest specks of communication.  I mustered up the courage to message Anne, only to have that fail, however, looking back on the situation, I should have never really gotten my hopes up in the first place.  While I found myself relatively attracted to her, she probably was not the type of woman I would have gone for were it not for the fact she responded to my messages.  I liked the fact that she was in good shape, but do I really want to date a woman with biceps bigger than my own?  In my moment of blindness, I told myself that surely that was only a minor detail I could easily overcome, but in reality, she and I only share a few things in common.  At the time, I was ready to change my life in order to start dating her, but that should have been the first true red flag.

While I let myself be disappointed with the outcome, the truth is I didn’t actually lose anything in that situation.  We never had anything, so I never gave anything up, other than a few days of self-imposed misery.  I got back on my horse and started messaging people once again and was happy to find Melissa added me as one of her favorites.  I liked her photos and was pleased when we began exchanging messages.  She passed along her phone number to me, which was a step more than Anne had taken, so once again I felt I was on my way to true bliss.  There again were a few red flags, but I tried to brush them aside, telling myself no one is perfect and we all have flaws that need to be accepted if we are going to be together.  Last night, I decided that was the wrong mentality to have.

I like Melissa, as she has a good sense of humor and seems pretty easy going.  She, like me, did not have high expectations from the start and seemed willing to get to know me before jumping to any conclusions about who I am.  That being said, i give her a lot of credit, but I think I have come to the realization that she and I are not cut out for one another.  The problem with this realization is that I don’t think she feels the same way, meaning I am going to have to be the one to break it to her.  This is a situation I don’t think I have ever truly found myself in, unless you count an 8th grade relationship that never happened.  Several years ago, I dated Lisa, who I ultimately had to break up with, but that ended in an argument in which she screamed, “I think we should just break up,” and my reply was, “Ok.”

I certainly don’t want to hurt Melissa, and I am still debating back and forth if maybe I am getting ahead of myself and I should spend more time with her to see how things go, but my more logical side is saying that is a bad idea.  The red flags I have seen remind me too much of Lisa and I certainly can not find myself in a relationship like that again.  Lisa was extremely emotional and incredibly clingy to the point I could not go anywhere without being on the phone with her.  She insisted we fall asleep on the phone together every night.  She text messaged me constantly and if for some reason I didn’t answer the phone, she would just call and call and call.  I absolutely will not enter into another relationship like that one.  Melissa comes across as very friendly, but I have already picked up on parts of her personality where if she doesn’t hear the response she likes, she gets a little snippy.  She has told me on several occasions how much she enjoys a glass of wine at the end of her day, which would be fine except I feel as if she is using it as a stress reliever a little too frequently.  Anyone who insists that “it is just a glass of wine,” could potentially have a problem, at least in my mind.  Lisa’s attitudes used to change in a heartbeat, and I get the sense Melissa could very easily be the same way.  I am no doctor, nor can I asses anyone’s medical conditions, but from what little I know, I used to think Lisa was bipolar, and while I am certainly not going that far with Melissa, I suppose the potential exists.

I have been hesitant to end communication with her, like I said, only because I guess there is still this part of me that wants to be wrong, however, one thing that has always served me well are my instincts.  That’s not to say I have ever been wise enough to follow those instincts, but I usually know how things are going to turn out.  I guess in some ways, I was hoping she would come to me and say it wasn’t going to happen, but after talking to her last night, I got the sense I am going to have to do this.  I know it would be best to do it now and not drag things out, but I am trying to see what our next conversation brings about.

I was so intent on finding someone that I was ready to settle for the first thing that came my way, and don’t get me wrong, there are things about Melissa I find great, but after some true soul searching last night, I think I have to be the bigger man and end it before it gets serious in any way.  We have only gone out for coffee and I think it’s best to leave it at that.  I don’t want feelings to develop if this simply isn’t meant to be.

I know this doesn’t sound like me talking at all.  I am supposed to be the hopeless romantic, ready to offer bouquets of flowers to profess my love.  I’m not sure what happened last night to bring about the change, but I just started visualizing the things to come and they weren’t the things I wanted for myself.  It may sound selfish, but I am not prepared to be on call so to speak whenever time permits to see one another.  We both have busy schedules and finding time to be together was going to be a project and I had the sense the burden was going to come down on me to be available when she wanted to see me and not the other way around.  That’s not the kind of situation I want to find myself in again.  I made extensive trips to Rhode Island to visit Lisa whenever she wanted to see me, often sacrificing time with my friends in order to spend a day doing absolutely nothing with her.  I used to be bored out of my mind sitting with her in her basement as she worked on various projects.  I would often go into the other room and watch TV or play with her dog while she was locked in on her tasks.  That’s not a relationship.  That’s boring and that’s not what I want.

I realize that the things I say I want (a wife, a child, a home, etc.) are all going to come with sacrifices attached, but I don’t want to risk throwing away what little I have now only to end up miserable by getting involved  with the wrong person.  I know in order to be happy, I have to take risks but these are not the risks I want to take right now.

I’m sending her a message now to bring an end to this.  I hope there isn’t too much fallout……


~ by James on September 11, 2013.

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