When talking to my friends, it always amazes me how easily it seems to be for them to make drastic changes in their lives.  I have a friend who gave up a high paying bar tending job to go back to school to become a nurse.  Now, he works in the ER, but is considering joining a military program to further his medical studies.  Another friend of mine, at the drop of a hat more or less, packed his bags and moved to Ohio for graduate school, then, after two years, moved even further west to go to school in San Diego.  My very best friend got married and moved to Milwaukee.  Another friend moved in with his girlfriend and soon found himself living in L.A.  Most recently, a close friend of mine who we all assumed would live within walking distance of his parents for all of his life, announced that he too may be moving to California to live with a friend of his out there.  All the while, here I am, more or less the same person I have been since 2000.

Now, I don’t feel it is necessary to make huge changes in your life if you are happy with the life you have, and when I think about it, I tell myself I am happy.  The question that has been popping into my mind recently, however, is, am I happy happy, or am I just day to day happy?  What do I mean?  Well, on a day to day basis, I am happy with my life.  I go to work, I go to the gym, I make myself something to eat, I read a book or watch television and I go to bed.  I don’t have any serious health issues, I am not on drugs or addicted to alcohol, my apartment is comfortable, warm, and cozy, and I have a good set of family and friends I can see more or less whenever I want to.  Day to day, I’m happy with who I am and what I have.  Now, if that’s true, what’s happy happy.  Well, I suppose to be more happy, I wouldn’t have to worry about spending too much when I go out to eat because I know my rent is due soon.  I suppose if I wanted to take a trip to Europe, I would just be able to plan it out and do it someday, instead of realizing that in my current state, I will never be able to afford a trip to Europe.  In fact, while I have enough money week to week to be day to day happy, I will never have enough money to do a lot of things that so called normal people do.  My friend pointed out to me that if I want to get married someday, that is an enormous expense, one that I will very unlikely be able to take on.  He’s probably right.  And how about all this talk of a girlfriend or a wife.  Well, sure, that would probably make me happy, but with the help of my friends, I am starting to see that while I enjoy my simple little life, most women want a little more out of life and would not be willing to settle with me if they knew we would never go on a vacation or have a nice honeymoon or whatever.

I try not to let these things bother me.  I am in my post of life by choice and I don’t regret any of the choices I have made along the way, however it is frustrating to say the least to know that I will be judged on the surface for who I am long before anyone takes the time to get to know who I really am.  In order to be the kind of person I supposedly need to be in order to be happy, I would have to make sacrifices I am not sure I can make.  For example, if I wanted a higher paying job, the only real solution would be to go back to school, and in order to do that, or pay for that, I would not be able to live on my own as I am doing.  I suppose ultimately, this is the one and only thing I can do to truly make my life different, and I say different, not better because I don’t even know if that would make my life better.  Presumably, a higher paying job would offer me the opportunity to have nicer things (which I really don’t care about) and with those things I could presumably find a woman who would find an interest in me.  Now, I am absolutely not willing to give up my apartment or my freedom for an opportunity to spend even more money going to school to get a higher paying job that I don’t like just to find a woman who values things more than feelings.  I am getting angry just thinking about it.

My friend, the one who went to Ohio, San Diego, and is now living back home (on his parents couch, but I digress) has told me that if I am not willing to make these sacrifices, my only other choice is to set my sights a little lower.  My recent failures on Match have been with nurses and accountants.  Melissa was a teacher and that was as close as I came to a relationship.  I am a manager of a fast food restaurant, which means I should be setting my sights on women in similar vocations, according to my friend.  I can’t say I disagree with him, it’s just that I have not come across any retail workers on Match who pique my interest.  I suppose I could travel around local shopping centers, going in and out of various stores hoping to find a single woman working a cash register somewhere.  OK, I know that sounds silly, but what are my choices?  Advertise for single woman who work in retail?  I actually like the idea of dating a teacher as I get the sense that would be the kind of woman I would get along well with, but standing outside the local high school also seems like a bad idea.

While I am absolutely tired of being ignored by those I send messages to on Match, I suppose I simply have to trudge on, hoping that the more messages I send, the more chance there is someone will get back to me.  Somewhere out there is a woman who is willing to take the time to get to know me and see that there is more to me than what is on the surface.  Were I to find this woman I would be more willing to make little sacrifices, baby steps towards a better life, but this will take patience on both our parts.

The search continues…I just have to keep my head up…..wish me luck……


~ by James on September 18, 2013.

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