It’s been eight years, more or less.  I haven’t exactly been counting the days, but given what I remember about my job and the people I work with, it has been about eight years that I have held this one thing inside of me.  I go on and on all the time about my little crushes and my desires to find the woman of my dreams.  I have told story after story of my failed attempts to woo women who speak Spanish and I have droned on about the frustrations of seeking out a partner on  Anyone who reads more than one of my entries here knows very well that my search for a girlfriend is often met with obstacles I have either created for myself or simply exist because, let’s face it, there’s not a lot about me that is striking to women.

There is one person, however, one woman, who I have specifically avoided discussing, or at the very least, have kept my comments to a minimum.  I may have mentioned her here a time or two, but I have never openly discussed her with my friends until just recently.  I am not sure why I have been so hesitant to mention her, as in truth she is just another woman, but I guess to me, in that deeply romantic heart of mine, I have held her upon a pedestal upon which I do not want to knock her from.  No, she is no goddess among women nor is there anything any more remarkable about her than any other woman I have ever crushed upon, but there are certain things about this one that I can not explain and have kept me inexplicably drawn to her despite the fact I am terrified of telling her how I feel.  I would have kept all of this bottled up inside of me were it not for a dream I had the other night.  Normally, I don’t remember my dreams, and even when I do, typically there is nothing particularly interesting about them.  I often dream of being back in school with my high school friends, which can be comforting, but nothing too exciting to discuss the next morning.  This dream was different.

To be honest, I only remember what felt like maybe two minutes worth of time, but they were two valuable minutes.  I was in a room, which appeared to be a classroom, but one of those chemistry type classrooms with the big black tables and faucets to extinguish any unwanted chemical fires.  I recall seeing both my dream girl (no pun intended) and her sister, who I happened to work with several years ago.  There may have been others, but I only recall them, and the part I remember starts with her sister exiting the room.  Now it is just her and me and she is standing with her back to me.  All I remember is approaching her, gently placing my hand on her arm, or possibly waist, to encourage her to turn my way, and then, as if I could ever be so lucky in my real life, we kiss.  Of course it was all a dream, but in that moment, I could feel her lips and I just know I was not happy about waking up.  I had never had a dream about her before and ever since I have not been able to get her out of my head.  A lot has been going on the past few days which has got me thinking about my life and what I need to do to get things moving in the right direction, and this dream was just another reminder that if I want things to happen in my life, I need to make them happen for myself.

So let’s go back and discuss her a little bit, and perhaps why I won’t talk about her or even make a move to date her.  Like I said, I had worked with her sister in the past.  In fact, I worked with both her big sister and her little sister, but never with her.  I only knew her because she would occasionally come visit one of them while they working on my shift.  We did not talk a lot, but I always found her very easy to talk to.  Unlike most people who I do not know very well, I never felt shy or struggled to find the right words with her and she always seemed very comfortable talking to me.  Most girls, even the nice ones, did not spend a lot of time talking to me, especially when I was dressed as a manager and pretending like I was some big bad dude.  She never treated me any differently, whether I saw her when I was working or the few times we crossed paths outside of work.  When I first met her, the problem had nothing to do with me being able to talk to her or not, but had everything to do with the fact I was eight years older than her.  As adults, eight years is not a significant difference in years, but when I was 24 and she was 16, I doubt her parents would have been thrilled to see me pick her up for a date.  This was the first reason I would never mention to anyone how I felt.  My feelings were always pure and honest, but I did not want to be seen as some creep who stalks little girls.  As the years went by, I only saw her once in a while, but each time I felt the same way.  There was just something about her personality, the way she seemed confident in herself, that always appealed to me.  She was not afraid to show her feelings or opinions and I liked that about her.  I managed to be friends with her on Facebook and every now and again we would  exchange messages, but I never had the guts to ask her out……until now.

Her name is Sara.  She is all I have thought about since this great big awakening I’ve had.  After that dream, I knew I had to take a chance and at least try to get her to go out for a drink with me, or something of the sort.  I sat home about a week ago and composed a message of about 50 words, yet it took me hours to piece it all perfectly together.  I sent it off to Facebook and quickly retreated into hiding.  I was not terribly surprised when I did not receive a response.  A few days went by and I decided I needed to make one more drastic move.  Normally, after not receiving a response I would have simply given up.  Oh well, I gave it a shot and failed, what else is new, right?  Well, not this time.  I had spent too much time thinking about her.  There was too much about her that I simply adored and I was not giving up on her so easily.  As I mentioned, I had worked with two of her sisters and was quite close to both of them.  I was close enough with her older sister, Jess, that I decided I could trust her with the knowledge of what I had done, the fact that I was interested in her sister, and was desperate to get her to give me a chance.  I felt like some ridiculous high school kid, passing notes to my friends in class, trying to determine if the girl I liked would sit with me at lunch.  The difference being that I am not a high school kid, I am an adult and I needed to be mature about this.

Once again, I composed a message and sent it off, this time to Jess, and I went to bed, needing some time before I could handle reading her response.  I went to work the next day so I didn’t have a chance to read her reply until that afternoon.  I had been worried she would think I was crazy for going after her sister, but to my pleasant surprise, she responded positively, for the most part.  She thinks Sara and I would be good for each other, however it seems Sara is hell bent (these are Jess’s words) on being alone.  I guess if Sara is anything like me, I can understand a little bit her anger and resentment towards the world.  She is a tough girl, but I do know enough about her to understand why she would be hesitant to trust men and why she may feel she is better off alone.  I, on the other hand, would like to show her that I am not like the assholes she may have encountered in her life and I have no intentions of doing anything that could hurt her in any way.  Of course, what guy is going to say otherwise?  Of course I am”not like other guys,” who is?  Every guy plays that line and I have to find a way to actually prove it.  I was thrilled that Jess seemed to think I should continue pursuing her, but I am not sure Jess is going to be able to offer any more assistance or not.  She did assure me she would try to convince Sara I am not a creepy stalker, but aside from that, I may need to work alone in selling myself.

Of course, in another moment of poor timing, I had sent Sara the message a few days before she left for Puerto Rico.  She has been gone about a week now, and despite a few updates on Facebook, I have not had any contact with her.  I don’t know if Jess has said anything to her about me yet, but I decided I would at least wait until she returns home before I bother her again.  Apparently, Jess is going to pick her up from the airport sometime today, so if she hasn’t mentioned me yet, tonight would be the time.  I certainly don’t want to bother Jess, as she is my only ally in this at this point, so I am going to wait another day or so before I question whether or not she brought all this foolishness up to Sara.

The bottom line is, if Sara is not interested in me, I can’t really do anything to change that.  As a naive teen, I thought I could coerce girls into falling in love with me, but it turns out that while flowers and candy are nice, they don’t change anyone’s mind.  My last hope is her reluctance to date anyone, versus her reluctance to date me.  See, if she doesn’t like me personally, I can’t do anything, but as far as her avoiding all men, that leaves a small window of opportunity open, as she never seemed to dislike me in any way and I may still have hope.  I know it sounds like I am hanging on by a thread and I probably am, but it is the only thread I have right now.  I have kept her in the back of my thoughts for all these years, I need to at least talk to her in person.  If she wants to reject me in person, so be it, but I need that kind of closure if I am going to put her out of my mind.

I certainly don’t want to do anything that may push her any more than I already have, so I have to tip toe lightly here, but I think with a little encouragement from Jess, I may at least have the chance to talk to her in person, even if that means an end to all this.  I’m out of here for now, but I will certainly update the situation as soon as I can.  Wish me luck.


~ by James on October 10, 2013.

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