Looking For Someone To Waste My Saturday With

I have always found writing to be my one true outlet to the world.  While I don’t always share everything I write with the outside world, I am often more willing to expose my true feelings through the written word rather than try to stumble through it face to face with someone.  I’ve used writing to release my feelings, succeed in school, and even expand my ability to speak Spanish.  Until just recently, I had written a blog entry in Spanish every day for 434 days.  Unfortunately, the past few months have put a damper on my writing abilities and my Spanish blog has suffered more so than this one.  For that, I am disappointed in myself, as I really don’t have any excuse for not writing at least a little something everyday, but the truth of it all is that my emotions have really gotten the better of me lately and I have trouble getting much of anything down on paper, in English, let alone Spanish.

I hate harping on the same subject matter over and over again as really, who wants to read the same boring crap day after day?  Unfortunately, what I am coming to understand is that my repetitive ramblings are simply a mirror into my repetitive life.  Anyone who has read this from its inception, or has gone back to see my introductory entries will know that my main purpose or theme of this blog is chronicling my  adventures through my 30’s.  While I am not looking that far down the line, i suppose on April 24, 2021 I will need to start a new blog.  In any case, the theme of recent months has been my pathetic social life and more importantly my desire to find someone who would like to spend time with me and maybe make me feel a little better about who I am.

Sara.  Yes Sara has been the focus of my thoughts lately and because of that, she is the theme of all my recent entries.  I’ve told it before I am sure, but I will tell it again.  I have had feelings for Sara for many years, even though our actual face to face encounters have been very limited.  In a moment of courage, one of the few I have had in my life, I sent Sara a message asking her to have a drink with me.  This was something I thought to be harmless, but she never replied.  Had she replied with a ‘no’ I could have moved on, but the fact that she has not said a word to me only pushes me to try harder for her.  I know logically I should just let it go, but I really truly do believe she and I could be good for one another and while I have had a few opportunities with other women, none have given me that feeling that we could have a genuine future together without one of us having to make drastic changes to who we are.  I spoke with Sara’s sister, Jess, the reason I know Sara in the first place and she encouraged me to go for it, even though she warned me I could end up getting hurt.  At least I now Jess thinks I am an OK guy and that gives me a little hope, but not too much.

Two nights ago I laid it all out in a final message to Sara.  I had written a 700 word essay to send to her, but thankfully a friend of mine helped me whittle it down to only 200.  Certainly, it was better to send a shorter note, but I felt it left out the heart of what I was getting at, which was I was willing to do just about anything just to have a moment of her time.  Once again I received no response.  I know, a smart man would move on, but I find myself questioning what it is that keeps her from replying to me.  I have talked to her before, both in person and online.  We have always gotten along just fine and I always thought she would be a lot of fun to date.  Then, I talked to Jess, who warned me that she is a bit socially awkward, like me.  I want to tell her I understand what it feels like and I would be happy to be awkward with her, but I won’t push her for any more messages.  I have messaged her like three or four times now and if she hasn’t replied by now, she is not going to, at least not through an online message.

I see her online constantly.  I want to say Hi and see if she will write back, but I am not allowing myself to send her anything else.  Of course I am still hoping against hope that she will find it in her heart to say hello to me and a whole new world will open up for me, but that is just the desperate, hopeless romantic who lives inside of me.  It always bothers me that I get like this in situations such as this.  The people who know me only see the emotionless version of me and would never understand how hard it is for me to deal with this everyday.  I hide my feelings very well, aside from my anger, and people think nothing bothers me, when in fact, many things have an effect on me.  I get my hopes up very easily when it comes to women and I have been hurt so many times because of this, I have built a good size wall around me.  I hide my emotions behind this wall and very few people have ever gotten through it.  Some of my closest friends know the real me, but I can’t assume Sara knows me as anything more than the emotionless robot who works at McDonald’s.  I want to tell her I am so much more than that, but I can’t dump an entire lifetime of emotions in her lap and think she will suddenly fall in love with me.  No, I know that the chances of her developing feelings for me are next to none if they don’t already exist, but I can’t help but hope.  I will let myself wallow in this misery until something or someone else comes along to bring me false hopes of happiness.

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~ by James on November 2, 2013.

2 Responses to “Looking For Someone To Waste My Saturday With”

  1. There is nothing wrong with hope. I’ve spent many days just as you described above. But in the end, holding on to a hopeless situation is actually a hindrance, and a security blanket. I’d rather hold on knowing I won’t get hurt than trying to move on and taking the risk. It isn’t easy (it actually sucks ass), but move on and keep trying. She might come around – but if not, at least you can say you didn’t wait too long.

  2. Thanks for the words of encouragement. Of course you’re right that I should move on, as that would be the logical thing to do, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I rarely do what is logical. Were this an ordinary crush, I probably would have moved on by now, but the emotions have been building up inside me for eight years and now that I finally had the courage to tell this girl I am interested, I am not ready to give up the fight just yet. I’m sure I will have more to say in the coming days! Keep reading!

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