Maybe It’s Destini

It seems a little strange to me how one aspect of my life can have such a profound effect on all the other aspects of my life.  The past month and a half has been spent pining over a girl I’ll probably never have.   In the meantime, I find myself pushing harder and harder at the gym while slacking off on my Spanish learning.  I started spending more time alone, if that’s possible, brooding over the choices I have made throughout my life.  I began questioning who I was, who I really was, not just who the world around me saw.  While I sulked and feigned heartbreak, I found myself becoming more attracted to someone I had previously been nothing more than an acquaintance to.  I suppose that is what brought me here tonight.  I’ve been psychoanalyzing myself for weeks now, so nothing I say or write will be new to me, but I felt the need to get it down on paper simply because right now I have no one else to listen to me.

Before I go on, I should note that I do ramble on and on endlessly to one of my friends about all of this foolishness, but I feel it is a little unfair to constantly burden him with my repetitive self analyzation.  Also, he claims to be sick tonight so I need another window to shout through.  In any case, here begins the story of Destini.  Yes, I spelled that correctly, that is her name.

I probably shouldn’t use her name, as who knows who is going to come across this?  I thought I was pretty well hidden from those I would prefer not to see this, but I have been discovered before.  I realize I run the risk of being very badly exposed here, but I need to get it all out.  Destini is a girl I have known for about three years now.  When we met, she was 18 and a new employee of mine.  While I have always thought she was a cute kid, she had never, until recently, been anything more to me than just that, a kid.  We talked at work, but I always maintained my distance as her manager.  While we did joke around from time to time, it was no more or less than any joking I would do with any other employee.  In the age of Facebook and all these other social networks, of course, I soon found myself as her Facebook friend, along with a handful of other employees.  You may recall an entry I posted about a year ago that was all about Destini, although I didn’t name her at the time.  She’s the one I upset by poking fun at her.  Well, you may also recall how badly I felt about hurting her feelings back then.  Thankfully, she forgave me and in fact told me that she was actually upset with a number of other people at the time and I just poured a little salt on her wound and the truth was that she was really not as mad at me as I was made to believe.  Fast forward to today and we have grown closer as friends.  We talk regularly on Facebook, which is probably not recommended by my boss and we are able to get along fine at work with seemingly no complications.  Until just a few days ago, this was all well and good, but somewhere along the way I found myself becoming more and more attracted to her in a way that would only cause trouble were I to act on these feelings.  She is 21, I am 32.  She is a kid.  She is one of my employees.  She has a boyfriend, who treats her very well by the way.  While I have no way of knowing what is going on in her head, I can’t help but feel as if our friendship has gotten much more flirtatious and while I am enjoying it, it makes me fearful of what would happen if she became aware that I am attracted to her or if she admitted an attraction to me.  I often feel as if she is flirting with me, but sometimes I wonder if I am just reading too much into our friendship.

Now, I said before how I have been analyzing myself, and I have, and I have come to the conclusion that Sara is the cause of my attraction to Destini.  Don’t get me wrong, Destini is very pretty and I would be attracted to her regardless, but I started thinking that a part of the reason I am finding myself more and more attracted to Destini is simply because she is paying attention to me while Sara is not.  Every time I feel rejected by Sara, I look for attention from someone else and Destini has been available anytime I need to talk to someone.  She comments on my posts all the time, which could be nothing more than innocent boredom, but I take it as a sign she is eager to communicate with me whenever she can.  If it were not for my desire to be with Sara I don’t know if I would even notice the attention, but because I am sitting here all broken up that Sara refuses to write back to me, as soon as I see Destini pop up online, I run to talk to her.

So, is there something wrong with all this?  I guess it depends on how you look at it and how you view the situation in general.  On the surface, we are two people who are friends and enjoy talking to one another.  It doesn’t help that I find her to be very attractive, but as it stands now, our relationship is perfectly innocent.  There is no reason we can not continue to work together and talk on Facebook when we are both online.  Like I said, she has a boyfriend and I absolutely don’t want to come between the two of them.  I’m no monster.  In addition, if by some miracle Sara were to start talking to me, I would not want my flirtations with Destini to be seen in the wrong light.  The problems arise when I start thinking about the other possibilities.  She has never crossed the line or suggested that she was interested in anything more than a friendship, but if she were ever to approach me in that way I don’t know that I would be smart enough to resist.  Again, I am not trying to destroy anything and if we were to do anything “inappropriate” the consequences if it became public would be terrible for both of us.  I’m not saying I don’t think about it.  She’s beautiful and perhaps in a different world we could have had something, but beyond my physical attraction to her, I don’t think we could ever have a true relationship.  I still have the incredible desire to have something with Sara, and while I know it is foolish to hold out for her as it is doubtful she will ever change her mind, my visions of a relationship with her are very different from what I imagine with Destini.

In truth, the only real problem here is my own messed up mind.  If I don’t want to mess things up with anyone, I won’t do anything stupid.  Unfortunately, especially when it comes to women, I tend to always do something stupid.  I am sure that before tonight is over I will find myself chatting with Destini.  In fact, I found recently that I look for reasons to talk to her.  At work, no one really knows we talk as much as we do, and while I don’t hide it, I don’t really bring it up either.  She really may only see it as two friends talking and I would really feel dumb if she found out how I felt and got all weirded out by it.  My friend sees no reason she and I can’t simply continue interacting as we are, but I worry what her boyfriend will start to think.  Like I said, he’s a nice guy and I don’t want to come between the two of them.

Oh well, I guess only time will tell.  In the meantime, I’m off to sit and wait for her to come online.  Talk to you soon.

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~ by James on November 21, 2013.

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