Maybe We’re Just Bored

Tonight, two of my former employees are having their second annual post Thanksgiving party as a way to finish off leftovers and have an excuse to get drunk.  Of course these friends of mine are Jess and Paul.  Jess is Sara’s older sister and yes, Sara will be in attendance at this party.  I was invited to go and originally I planned on attending.  Of course this was before I struck out for the third time with Sara.  I can’t help but feel a little bitter over the whole experience and I don’t think showing up at this party is a good idea for either one of us.  Granted, we are both adults and if we were smart we would simply avoid one another, but whoever said I was smart?  I don’t know about Sara, but were I to have more than one drink, I am fairly certain I would find the courage to confront her and I don’t think that would end well.  I’m sure if I talked to Jess she would just tell me to come to the party and stop acting like a baby, but it seems at this point the best way for me to avoid having my heart torn out yet again is to just push Sara out of my thoughts.  I still picture the possibility of us being together but at this point it is just a silly fantasy.

I guess it’s just as silly as my recent obsession with Destini.  I keep telling myself to stop thinking about her, but it seems we are chatting with one another anytime she is not either with her boyfriend or sleeping.  We talked today while she was at work.  I knew she was at work and I messaged her anyway, knowing full well my boss would have been upset if he knew I was distracting her at work.  The fact that she keeps talking about her boyfriend just serves to confuse me more over the whole situation, and today I am fairly certain she was telling some of the other employees that she was talking to me.  That could lead to more trouble if I am not careful.  I have to maintain some form of authority over the crew and if they know I am favoring Destini it could end badly for all of us.  I honestly don’t know where any of this is heading.  The other night it sounded like things were going bad with her boyfriend, but today everything seems fine between them.  I have said before, I don’t want her to get hurt by him, and I don’t want her to hurt him, but when she is all I can think about it’s hard not to tell her how I feel.  I am shamelessly flirtatious with her at times but I can’t always gauge her reactions.  She sent me a picture of her wrapped up in a blanket with her cat and I said I was jealous but I don’t think she got the message.  At least she didn’t say anything to suggest she did.  I’m still curious to see if we will go out to dinner this week.  Honestly, I don’t know if either one of us was as serious as I thouht at the time.  I mean, if she wants to go, I will, but is it really a good idea for me to take her out to dinner knowing she is going to tell her boyfriend all about it?  It makes me wonder if she really just sees me as a friend or her boss who just wants to hang out.  I know she says all the time she doesn’t have a lot of other friends so ?  I worry she is just looking to me as someone who will be around when her boyfriend isn’t.  I like talking to her and I enjoy our conversations, but obviously there is more I am interested in than just having someone to talk to when I am bored.

It’s odd to me how my feelings towards people change.  I mean, I always found Destini attractive, but recently, and I can’t really explain why, I see her much differently than I used to.  For the last three years she was a cute girl who I rarely thought of outside of work, but as we began to talk more and more, I felt myself becoming more and more interested in her.  Again, I hope it is not simply my way of making up for the rejection I felt from Sara.  I think if that were true, I would not still be so interested in Destini.  No, I think this is something real and I have to figure out how to deal with it without hurting her or me and without causing trouble for either one of us at work.

To be honest, I probably wouldn’t even be writing this were it not for the fact Destini went to take a nap.  We had been talking and when she signed off that was when I decided to chronicle my stupidity here.  I have to turn in fairly early tonight, but we will both be working together tomorrow all day.  The rest of the week, leading up to Thursday should be interesting, especially if our dinner plans are still on.  I guess for now I have to find a way to keep myself distracted for the rest of the afternoon.  Goodbye for now.

 

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~ by James on November 30, 2013.

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