Drowning In A Funk

Call it boredom, call it post-holiday depression, call it whatever you want, I simply have not felt like myself lately.  No, wait, check that.  I always feel like myself, I wouldn’t know what it felt like to be anyone else.  Better to say I simply have not felt right lately.  I wake up with no motivation and despite having plenty of things I want to accomplish, I haven’t managed to do much of any of it.  I know, I know, I went on and on about how this was going to be my year and I was going to make some changes and I was going to live the life I wanted to live, but here we are, less than two weeks into 2014 and I already feel dead in the water.

I can’t even begin to explain what it is that makes me feel this way.  I don’t know the first thing about bipolar disorder, but sometimes I truly believe I suffer from it.  I’ll go through stages where I am completely happy with every little useless piece of shit in my life, and then there are days I feel like I have to buy a dozen new gadgets just to feel alive.  Then of course I fall into a deeper depression when the new and often expensive gadgets fail to bring comfort to my life.  I bought a camcorder with the high hopes of documenting my journey through learning Spanish and hopefully taking a trip to Spain, and yet as I sit here this afternoon, I can tell you I have recorded all of two and a half minutes of video and I felt ridiculous filming it.  The night I received the camcorder in the mail I ran through a dozen different scripts in my head.  I was totally prepared to have this amazing video blog showing my progress, but the next morning, when it came time to record, my brain froze.  Sure, it would be easy to blame it on being camera shy, as I hate being recorded, but this is for me.  I have no obligation to show anyone, therefore it should be easy and straight forward.  I should be able to click it on and talk away, but no, I found myself sitting there that morning in silence, unable to string even the simplest thoughts together.  I decided to try to script it out on paper just a bit, something initially I had said I wouldn’t do, just to get me going, hoping once I got on a roll, it would all come together.  Unfortunately, despite managing those aforementioned two and a half minutes, I haven’t done a thing since.  In fact, aside from going to work, I have been basically spending all my free time sitting around in silence.  I could easily go days without talking, but I am fairly certain that’s not healthy and I am starting to feel like I am closing myself off from the world more and more.  I don’t mind being a solitary individual, but I can’t isolate myself entirely from the rest of civilization.  I don’t know if it’s my failure to make a successful video blog that is causing me to just feel bad about myself in general or if it is something more that’s putting me in this funk.

My best friend came over Thursday and we spent the late afternoon at Starbucks, grabbed some Thai food, and then hung out at my place until almost midnight.  You would think that would be enough to make me happy, and while I welcomed the opportunity to have another face to talk to, once he left, I fell back into my gloomy mood.  So much in fact that I finally mustered the courage to shave my head.  Yes, you read that correctly, I buzzed it all off.  I did not go as short as I possibly could, but it is pretty damn short.  I don’t regret it at all, but I wonder how it is going to effect me from here on out.  I didn’t do the best job on the back of my head, mostly because I couldn’t see what I was doing.  A couple of people at work, after they got over the initial shock of seeing me with a shaved head, pointed out that the back needed some attention, but honestly, I didn’t really even care.  I wasn’t doing it for shock value or to get attention, it was just something I decided to do, and once I started there was no turning back.  It will grow back over time, but I wonder if it will look any different than the way my hair has been since I was  baby.  I’ve never changed my hair style.  Sometimes it got long, but other than that, I never did anything drastic to it.  Thirty-three years into my life and I decided it was time to mix things up.  It doesn’t bother me throughout the day as I can’t see it and the only real time I think about it is if someone points it out to me, as if I didn’t know it happened.  I guess it seems more drastic to other people than it does to me as I don’t see myself any differently.

It worries me that all too often the only thing that brings a smile to my face is a picture from Destini.  I know she does not send her pictures exclusively to me, so there are times the entire staff at work sees them and there are times they are just for me, and I wish I could respond to her and ask, “Hey, was that one for me?” but I know I can’t do that.  I know I shouldn’t be thinking about her the way I do, but after being disappointed time and time again by every woman I try to talk to, it’s nice to have a pretty girl who likes to take up my time once in a while.  She and I could never date.  On one hand, she loves to do the little things I too would like to do in a relationship, like curl up on the couch and nap together, but she also wants things in life I can’t give her.  Her current boyfriend is a good guy and I don’t want to break them up, especially since he treats her very well, but lately I can’t help but think about holding her, especially when she sends me pictures of herself laying in bed with her cat.  She is a pretty simple girl, but she also has expensive tastes, and I can’t compete with her boyfriend when it comes to that.  I am nearly thirty-three and I need to find a woman who is looking for the kind of home life I live.  Destini is too young to be settling down with someone like me.

I guess that’s it for now.  Maybe I’ll climb out of this rut in a few days.  I’ll let you know.

 

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~ by James on January 13, 2014.

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