I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself

I find when I’m posting more in English than in Spanish is when I am going through my most troubled times.  I guess the 700+ blog entries in Spanish go to show I’ve had more good times than bad, but lately I feel the bad is catching up with the good.  I thought setting a goal and making a plan would motivate me and keep me on track with my Spanish dreams but it seems that ever since that idea percolated in my brain, everything has gone to Hell, not only with my Spanish goals, but with my life in general.  I mean, let’s not go overboard, I still have my place, my car, my job, all that.  I’m not sick and despite shaving all my hair off, I don’t think I am crazy just yet.  It’s just that I am not doing much of anything.  I go to work, and while I am there, I think of nothing more than getting home, but once I am back here, I don’t do anything.  I sit on my couch or at my kitchen table and I stare at the computer screen, as if something is going to pop out at me and inspire me to do something.  Sure, I still watch TV in Spanish and I still try to read when I can, but I feel like I am not truly making the effort I once was to be totally fluent.  I went over a year without missing a day of writing in my Spanish blog, but now I am barely able to post two or three times a week.  Back when I was cruising along, I could write about anything, but lately, I just don’t feel compelled to discuss the weather or what I did at work that day.  I fear that my lack of motivation to learn Spanish just reveals how uninspired I am to do much of anything.  I’ve said it in the past.  When I find a hobby, I become obsessed with it and devote my all to it, which can be a good thing, but it can also be a bad thing when the desire fades and I find myself wasting day after day doing nothing.

The thing is, I don’t know what I should be doing if not something related to my Spanish goals.  I still try to get to the gym, but that is becoming increasingly difficult as I am either too tired or too sore to go after work.  I can’t spend every moment of my free time closed off from the world in my apartment, but I don’t know where to go by myself.  I go for coffee once a week with my best friend, and that’s all well and good, but often that makes me feel even more alone after I return home.  I’m not a social person and I hate being in large crowds, but I miss spending nights with my friend, even if that meant just hanging out in my apartment watching the TV.  Unfortunately, it’s a long ride for my friends to come all the way here just to watch television.  Sometimes we go to the movies, but I am trying not to spend too much money on things like that.

Of course, when it comes to money, I’ve spent way more than I should have in the recent months, foolishly hoping these new expensive toys would provide the motivation to get myself back on track with, well, my life.  Yes, the Spanish is important to me but if I lose that I need something to keep me going.  If I don’t keep paddling, I’m going to sink.  Given the struggles I am having with making my Spanish video blog, I thought maybe I should start making an English language video blog, just to acclimate myself to speaking to a camera.  Of course, I have no idea what I would talk about, but I should really do something with this camera or it is truly the biggest waste of money I have ever made.

I thought telling my boss’s wife about my plan to travel to Spain would provide me with someone to keep me going and to give me a kick in the ass when I fall behind, but it’s not fair to rely on someone else to keep me going.  As I said from the beginning, this is a trip I have to make on my own, from start to finish, and if I can’t even muster the courage to record myself speaking in the language I am going to have to use on the trip, how will I ever actually make the trip?

I read all these articles or watch videos of people explaining social anxiety, introversion, and all these other problems that lead people like me to close themselves off from the world.  Unfortunately, even if I can sit here and rattle off why I have all these issues, it won’t make them go away.  It’s easy to say I have a fear of extending myself outside of my comfort zone, but that doesn’t mean I can magically make myself do it.  I have an irrational fear of flying, but no matter how irrational it is, it doesn’t go away when I say it.  Yes, I have gotten on a plane and flown to Florida, and yes, I am here to tell the tale, but that doesn’t stop me from imagining crashing into the ocean on a transatlantic flight to Europe.  I mean, I can break it down even further.  I hate making phone calls.  Yes, even to people I know, I hate doing it.  I can’t explain why and I can’t think of a way that would make it make sense, but it is still there, and as ridiculous as it is, it is a part of me.  That is just one of my many issues to bottle me up and keep me inside my apartment instead of out in the world.

Even when I lived at home, on my days off I would sit at the kitchen table and look outside, trying to decide if I should go out or not.  There was a beach with a nice boardwalk and on lovely Spring days I could have been walking along, listening to music and enjoying the afternoon, but often I stayed there, at the kitchen table, never going outside for some fresh air.  I would ask myself why I was wasting these days but I could never come up with an answer.  I know, especially now that I am in my 30’s, that we only have a limited number of days and we should take advantage of them all, but I still sit, staring out the window, letting the minutes and hours tick away.

I cancelled my subscription to Match.com this morning.  I had about a week left, and had I E-mailed five more women I would have received six months more free, but I decided I was fed up with the idea of online dating.  No, better to say I am fed up with the idea of dating.  I know, I am not just going to stumble across the woman of my dreams and by refusing to put myself out there for these ridiculous dates it’s not likely I’ll find anyone anytime soon but I just can’t see myself dating anyone now anyway.  I realize it is stupid to say, but I really feel like the kind of woman I could be happy with simply doesn’t exist.  No one wants the fairy tale relationship without the stereotypical relationship in the background.  That’s to say, sure, there may be plenty of girls who would love to just curl up on the couch and cuddle in front of the TV sometimes, but they are also going to want to do more social things, like going out to a club or bar or even more extravagant things.  I’m not opposed to going out, but like I said, I like small gatherings as opposed to big crowds.  Every profile I came across online listed traveling the world as a goal.  Sure, I wouldn’t mind seeing lots of other places, but it’s not something I can promise right off the bat.  I talk about the various crushes I have had and I can’t envision any of them developing into real relationships.  I know I can’t pick and choose, but I feel like I want only some of what comes with being with someone.  Sure, I want to get married, but I don’t know that I want to spend weekend afternoons walking the malls.  I want children, but wouldn’t feel comfortable with all that comes with being a parent.  I hate to say I would be better off alone in the end, but I don’t want to date someone only to disappoint them later on.

I don’t know if I am depressed as in I am bored and fed up with things or I am depressed as in I have serious issues that need to be addressed but either way, I am tired of feeling like this.  I am tired of waking up and wishing I hadn’t.  I used to say no matter how bad things were today, tomorrow always held the potential to be better, but lately I feel like those fools who buy lottery tickets and think, Hey, maybe today’s the day.  I don’t want to wait for tomorrow to be better, I want today to be better.  I know the only person who can really make me happy is me and I am in control of how I feel.  I know they say we choose to be happy or not, but sometimes it is more of a chore than I can handle.  In any case, I need to get going, and hopefully I can get back to spending more time blogging in Spanish instead of complaining here in English.  We’ll see.

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~ by James on January 15, 2014.

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