One Month Down

This is it.  January, 2014 is gone after today.  I managed to waste pretty much the entire month making no progress towards my goals.  Sure, I thought a lot about them.  I even sat here in silence for hours thinking about what I would like to do.  The problem is, I did nothing tangible to make them a reality.  I’m one month closer to 33 and while I am still on the early side of my 30’s, I feel like it is all passing by faster than I can keep up with.  Soon I’ll be staring down 40 questioning how I got here.  Ok, maybe that’s  little premature, but the fact is, the days keep passing me by whether I act upon them or not.  I wish I were the type of person who could just get up one morning and change every aspect of who he is.  I wish I had the courage to throw away the materialism, pack a bag and hike off into the distance, leaving all of this behind, but who am I kidding?  I’ll be writing this same entry six or seven times over, each year until I hit 40.

So what is it I want?  What are these goals I speak of?  Why do I fail in accomplishing them when they should be so easy to attain?  I can answer those questions fairly easily; easier than actually achieving my goals.  The answer is fear.  Fear of what?  That I can’t answer, as it is an intangible fear.  Some call it irrational.  The best I can come up with is fear of change.  I’m afraid of doing anything outside of that comfort zone we all live in.  Some of us are able to escape, or at least temporarily venture outside of it in order to do those crazy things we all want to do before we die.  I have friends who have gone skydiving, moved across the country with nothing more than the boxes they could stuff in their car, or traveled alone to a foreign country with only a basic grasp on the language.  The farthest I ever traveled alone was Pennsylvania.  I am afraid to even get on  plane so there’s no way in Hell I am going to jump out of one.  Yes, I want to travel to Spain, but I have a hard time driving to visit my friends who live 20 minutes away.  So what do I want?  I guess I want to actually be comfortable in my comfort zone.  I sit here day after day, never leaving my comfort zone and yet I am not satisfied.  I hate being alone but I can’t seem to find any way to find companionship.  

I’m afraid to go anywhere or do anything to reach out to others.  I have my friends, my family, and my coworkers and I feel like these are the only people I will ever really know in my life.  I want to meet new people, particularly someone I want to have a relationship with, but I spend nearly all my free time alone in my apartment.  Surely there are men older than me who are single, but I feel like my window of opportunity for finding a partner, getting married, and having children is rapidly closing.  I wanted to make the most of my 30’s after reflecting upon my 20’s and realizing I had coasted through without really doing much of anything.  Being 1/3 of the way through my 30’s, I feel like once again I am letting time slip by without taking the necessary steps towards becoming who I want to be.

My long term goal, well the goal I am currently mulling over, is my trip to Spain.  No one, including myself, really believes I am going to make this trip, but without this goal, I really have nothing to work towards.  The plan, which was born around New Year’s, is to save money and practice speaking Spanish as much as possible for the next two years so that in May of 2016, a week after I turn 35, I can spend a month alone in Spain.  I want to live in Valencia, a city near the water, that seems to have a fairly sizable amount of 20 and 30 something folks.  I want to live in a neighborhood where I can socialize with native Spaniards and spend an entire month speaking entirely in Spanish.  I don’t want to live as a tourist, but rather someone who is trying to be immersed within the culture.  I want to do this for a number of reasons.  I want to see more of the world.  I want to travel beyond New England for a change.  Yes, I said a long time ago in one of my first entries here that I was perfectly happy never travelling abroad, but without ever doing it, how can I know for sure?  I want to prove to myself that I can exist outside of the bubble I have lived in my entire life.  I want to talk to people I don’t know and make friends with new people.  Obviously I can do that here, but by dropping myself into a foreign country, I am forcing myself to interact with new people, something I have been unable to force myself to do here at home.  I want to speak Spanish.  I don’t just want to be able to translate a few basic phrases or be able to order food at a Mexican restaurant.  I want to talk to people in Spanish and have them understand me.  I took four years of high school Spanish and was relieved when it was over.  Nine years later, I decided I wanted to try it again, this time to be fluent.  It’s been nearly six years now, and while I have a tremendously greater grasp on the language than I did as a high school student, I still don’t feel I am truly bilingual.  I feel like if I can make this trip, I can do anything else in my life that I set out to do.  If I fail to make this journey, well.

I probably should have made a goal like this for myself when I was 22, not 32, but I have always been a step behind the rest.  I don’t see myself finding the love of my life anytime soon, so working on this project is what keeps me going.  I need to get over my fear of being on camera and get to work on making my video blog, something I tell myself everyday but fail to do.  I’ve got my plan to save money in the works, and while I have already hit a few setbacks, I think I may be able to pull it off.  It’s going to take some discipline on my part, but it seems feasible.  I guess what I am truly lacking is motivation.  My boss’s wife had offered to sit down and talk over this grand plan of mine with me, but she is so busy with her own crazy life we have not yet had a chance to discuss anything.  I’m not sure what she can really say or do, but I was hoping she might offer me some thoughts on how I could really make this trip a reality.

I guess I’ve done enough complaining for today.  Now it’s back to my routine.  I’ll probably go on living today just as I live every other Friday of my life.  Maybe February will bring about something different.

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~ by James on January 31, 2014.

One Response to “One Month Down”

  1. I understand wanting to speak Spanish and immerse yourself, however, I personally think to actually give yourself a chance of succeeding and making it over there, you should just go. If you have all these limitations and expectations to meet before you can go, you’ll never get there. I’ve lived in London for a year and while I was there traveled to Belgium, Paris and Rome. I speak French, but they didn’t want me to because I’m American, and in Rome I couldn’t speak a lick of Italian. I had a much better experience in Rome. You just have to pick up and go. No time like the present.

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