The Real Deal

I find that all too often, my entries here are sarcastic ramblings, angry rants, or complaints about society.  This was not my intention when starting this blog.  30 Years And Counting was intended to be an outlet for my feelings, yes, but not to show the world that I am an angry, resentful, overly sarcastic asshole.  Unfortunately, throughout my life, my only way of expressing my negative feelings was through writing, so when I came home from work angry at the boss or I saw something ridiculous on the news, I would sit down here and spout off.  While I suppose it is fair to show all sides of my emotions, using this blog as a showcase for the negative simply makes me look terrible to others and more importantly, to myself.

If you’re so inclined to look back over my entries from the beginning of this year, you may note a slight increase in positivity which I attribute to my decision to take a trip to Spain.  I owe much of my new found confidence to my boss’s wife who sat down with me and convinced me this trip was something I could make a reality.  All too often in my life I have been able to come up with great things I would like to accomplish only to allow them to become nothing more than fantastical daydreams.  Thanks to her, I now have the confidence to go through with this idea and make it a reality.  I have a date in mind, I have purchased my passport, and I am budgeting carefully for the expenses.  It is still ten months away, but it is becoming more and more real to me everyday.

That brings me back to the theme of this blog.  I am now 33 years old.  A few months ago, I felt old.  I felt that I was past the point of experiencing the exciting things in life and I simply had to sit back and ride it out the rest of the way.  How sad and pathetic is that?  Despite a few new sore spots after exercising, I am by no means old physically.  While it would take some effort on my part, if I wanted, I could play basketball again and while I doubt I would have the same stamina as when I was 18, I have no doubt that I could do it.  I don’t know why I ever allowed myself to accept 30 years old as some milestone of defeat.  I have things I want to accomplish.  Some of these things are simple and require nothing more than a little effort on my part and other things may prove to be more challenging, but by no means are they impossible.  I have the rest of this year and six more after this one to make this blog all about experiencing life in my 30’s.  While I never worry myself too much over who may be reading this, I would like for anyone who may come across these pages to feel inspired to do more with their lives.  I would hate for someone to read one of my more depressing entries and feel that life is sad or depressing.  I decided back when I decided to take my trip to Spain that I would also choose to control my emotions.  Emotions are a choice.  I can choose to be angry or resentful towards people or I can choose to smile and enjoy each day.  Since making the decision to be happy, I have not lost my temper or gone on any tirades like in the past.  Going back to my childhood, I used to easily get angry and loose my temper.  As a child, and I am ashamed to admit this, I would often get violent.  I fought often with my brother and while he and I have a strong bond today, I still regret those moments of anger and violence back then.  Boys may be boys, but he was my brother and I should never have done anything to hurt him.

I am trying to let that part of me go away.  I am trying to break free of the image I allowed others to see of me.  I was often perceived incorrectly, but I allowed that perception to become who I was, at least outwardly, and that was a foolish mistake on my part.  I am not angry at the world nor am I a grumpy person, but I allowed others to think I was that way, and over time it became who I was even though I didn’t want it to be that way.  It’s going to take time to change the way others perceive me, but I know I can do it by simply being the person I want to be.  It’s not easy to be happy everyday, and certainly there will be frustrations in my life, but I don’t have to allow those frustrations to bring me down so low I can barely climb back up.  It took a lot of effort on my part to climb out of the hole I had allowed myself to fall into and I won’t let myself slip back again.

One of the most important things for me to do is not say that there are things I want to do in life, rather there are things I will do in life.  Granted, some things are beyond my control, such as getting married and having a family, but I can say I will go out and try to introduce myself to more people and perhaps through that I will meet someone who shares that goal.  Beyond going to Spain, I have a list of places I would like to see.  I made a list that says I will go to Italy in September of 2016, France in September of 2017, and Brasil in September of 2018.  After that, I added Puerto Rico, Japan, and Australia to my list of places to visit.  Those are just destinations.  In addition to visiting those places, I would also like to have a specific goal when I go to each place.  Unlike Spain, I only want to spend a week or two in each of these places, but I would like to be able to speak confidently in each of the native languages of these places.  I don’t plan on studying any additional languages as intensely as I have studied Spanish, but to have at least a basic grasp on Italian, French, and Portuguese would be ideal.

I don’t want to go bungee jumping, sky diving, or deep sea fishing.  I don’t want to do anything particularly extraordinary, but I think seeing more of the world would be something to enrich my life.  I often say I live in a simple apartment, I drive a simple car, and I have a simple job.  These three features of who I am aren’t very likely to attract many people, but if I can say I speak five languages, I have seen at least three of the major continents, and I can teach others through my experiences, then maybe I can find someone who would be interested in getting to know me better.  Don’t misunderstand.  I have gotten past my longing for a girlfriend/wife/companion/whatever.  Finding a wife is not one of my goals anymore.  Being happy is my goal, and if I find someone to share that with, great, but I have decided 30 Years And Counting is about me and my happiness from now on, not being the person everyone else thinks I am or should be.

Hopefully, from now on, these entries will indeed focus on living my life in my 30’s and making it count for something.  Let’s see how it goes.

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~ by James on June 6, 2014.

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