Trying To Let It Go

I started this year quite possibly in the lowest point I had ever seen in my life.  I had allowed myself to sink into a depression that nearly defeated me, but thanks to those who mean the most to me, I climbed my way out, promised myself I would find my happiness, and refused to let those who wanted to break me have their way.  In the months that followed my awakening, I managed to find my smile, do the things I wanted to do to be happy, and take chances and make choices that will forever impact my life.  Thanks to the inspiration I received from those who are my true friends and family, I planned a trip to Spain, and anyone who knows me at all knows how much of an accomplishment this is for me.

Up until today, I had succeeded in controlling my temper and remembering what things were truly important in life and what things I had to let go.  Today I was blindsided by coworkers I had once considered friends and felt an anger so intense I literally couldn’t see clearly.  I was angry, but more importantly, I was hurt.  As we all know, my boss and I often have a love/hate relationship.  I have worked for him for seventeen years, and obviously working side by side with someone for so long will eventually lead to arguments and disagreements over how things should be done.  Lately, matters of his personal life came to light and things have been additionally stressful, as I am really the only one who knows the situation.  I have done my best to maintain a professional working relationship with him, but there are times I really lose my cool with him.  He is one of the few remaining people in my life who know how to get under my skin and send me into a rage, even despite my efforts to remain calm and cool this year.  Obviously, as I said many months ago, there is simply no way I can be happy at all times in my life, but I have worked hard to not let the little things bother me.  I am learning not to sweat the small stuff, and I am proud at how far I have come.  This is why when two of my coworkers had bad things to say about me today I was so angry when he questioned me on their comments.

I don’t care to go through all of the details of what was said and why it affected me as strongly as it did.  It’s a lot of work talk that isn’t all that interesting and wouldn’t serve much purpose to share, however, I will say it was the angriest I have felt in a very long time.  On one hand, I feel like defending myself, as I wasn’t given the opportunity to do that this afternoon, but on the other hand, I don’t feel I have any reason to have to defend myself.  The simple answer is that I have been doing my job for seventeen years and if a few employees who were three or four years old when I started working think they can do a better job than me, by all means they should give it a shot.

As most people know, when it comes to my job, I am very protective of what I do and how I do it.  I am proud of the level I have achieved and I am not about to be brought down by a few novices who think they know better than me.  I am getting heated again I should step back.

Whenever things like this come along, if I get riled up about it, my boss insists I keep quiet and let it go.  I think he really hopes it will just go away, but I am the type of person who thinks it all over again and again in my head and I just get more frustrated if I am not allowed to let my thoughts and feelings out.  I am sure tomorrow he will act as if nothing happened and we should all just go on working side by side as if nothing was ever said.  I honestly don’t think my boss was expecting the reaction he got from me.  He started the conversation talking behind me while I was seated at a desk, but by the time we were done, I was standing and practically in his face.  I think he was a little surprised at how animated I got, which suggests how much the comments aggravated me.  Everything I do is in the best interest of that store and when someone challenges my intentions or my work ethic, I will not be silenced in defending myself.

Of course I spent the rest of the afternoon mulling it over.  I didn’t speak to either one of the employees for the rest of the afternoon, except for a warning that it would be discussed the next time I had the opportunity to defend myself while all involved were present.  I’m angry that they said the things they said, but more angry they were too immature to say it while I was present.  To wait until I am off doing something else and then to be blindsided by an angry boss is not fair to me and I certainly am not about to forget it.

Even as I sat home after work today I couldn’t manage to cheer myself up.  I tried to tell myself it’s silly to allow stuff like this to fester in my mind, but no matter how hard I tried to let it go, it kept seeking back in.  I’ve basically been sitting in silence here at home for the last few hours not really thinking about anything, just allowing myself to continue being in a bad mood.  I try to tell myself it’s foolish to dwell on things and I should just let it go, but no matter how far I have come in my quest for happiness, there are still things that can bring e down.  Hopefully a good nights rest will ease the stress and I can get back to normal tomorrow.

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~ by James on September 15, 2014.

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