I Need To Talk To Myself For A While

I don’t like being angry.  OK, I doubt there are many people out there who revel in the idea of being in a pissy mood, but I have struggled this year to overcome any angry thoughts and feelings I may have in an effort to be happy; not just happy in the moment, but happy in life.  I decided after falling to the lowest point I had ever fallen that I had two choices: Be happy, as a choice, or die.  Now, when I say die, I am not sure that I would have ended my life, but had I remained where I was, I am not quite sure how I would have gone on existing.  I made a choice to be happy and I decided I would let the negative aspects of my life fall to the wayside and show the world, and more importantly, myself, that while life is not easy, we can choose to find joy and be happy day to day despite the hardships we may face.

The past few weeks have reminded me that life will always present us with challenges and the greatest victories only come from the hardest fought battles.  I try to see, or at least talk to my mom as often as I can.  Currently, she appears perfectly healthy and is acting totally normal, but until I hear her or a doctor tell me she is 100% cancer free, I will worry about her.  That being said, at a time when my siblings and I should be coming together for her, we are instead tearing each other apart and I am worried we won’t be able to bring ourselves back together.

I don’t want to go into the details of why my siblings and I are fighting, as I know perfectly well and that is not why I came here today.  I came here today to try to figure some things out and for me, writing is the only way to do that.  I love my siblings, of that there is no doubt.  Over the years we have fought, like any siblings fight, but as we’ve grown into adults we have discovered the importance of family and come together as a group.  The battle began with my brother and me and slowly boiled over to involve my sister.  Things were said that were out of line.  We were hurtful to one another because as siblings, we know just where to hit to make the most effective blow.  As much as we love each other, it is very easy for us to hurt one another because we do know each other so well.  I am not innocent of this.  My brother hit me pretty hard, but I hit back and for this I am not proud.  He was hurting, just like I was and instead of directing our anger at what was causing our pain, we lashed out at one another and said many hurtful things.  While no one wanted to say it, the shocking realization that our mother was sick, and sick in a way that could potentially be fatal, hit us harder than we could have ever imagined.  We’ve all faced death, but never had we been confronted with the mortality of our mother.  We could no longer pretend she would go on living forever and the pressure of that truth was heavier than any of us was prepared for.  We didn’t know how to react and in our confusion, in our anger, we went after the ones we love the most.  Like I said, at a time when we should have been coming together, we instead started tearing one another apart.

I have to talk to them.  The four of us need to face each other, in person, with no other family involved.  We need to look each other in the eyes and admit that the truth to all of this, the only way for us to be right again, is to see what it is we are facing, admit that we are scared, and ask each other for help.  The fact is, I can’t face this on my own.  I need them.  We need each other.  I don’t want to lose my mother and I certainly can’t lose them.  I haven’t talk to my brother in a week, and even though my sister and I are not at odds with each other, I haven’t spoken to her either.  I haven’t felt right since all of this started and with each passing day I feel worse instead of better.  I want to talk to my brother, but I don’t even know where to begin.  I suppose sorry is the best place to start.  I wish I could just rewind the clock a few weeks and make all of this go away, but what’s done is done and now I have to work on making things right again.  I don’t want happiness just for me, but for all of us.  I want us to come together again and be obnoxiously loud with laughter, not shouting.  I realize life will not relent, but I made a choice to be happy and now I have to do the work to make it happen.


~ by James on October 13, 2014.

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