I Kind Of Let Myself Down Today

Without a doubt, the last two months have been the most challenging of the year for me.  I am basing my up and downs on a year-to-year basis from now on, only because I have been judging my success lately only on what I have done this year.  Let me first explain why, and then I’ll go on to why I feel like a failure today.

As I have talked about throughout this year, I reached the ultimate low point of my life back in January.  Prior to that, I had been struggling through life, not allowing myself to truly see how depressed I had let myself become.  It trickles all the way back to 1999, and if I were to graph my peaks and valleys, it spiked in 1999, 2008, and again this past fall.  It was in January that I decided it was time for a drastic change and I would no longer permit myself to be the sad and angry person I had become over these years.  That being said, I want to not judge myself based on those previous years, only because I was blind to how low I had let myself sink.  This year was supposed to be the starting point for a better life, and while I am proud of all I have accomplished this year, as I said, these past two months have been quite a challenge.

To be fair, being confronted with the mortality of my mother threw a huge wrench into my plan.  No one is ready to confront a fact like that and still to today we are dealing with the fact that she was diagnosed with stage one cancer.  She is in good spirits, the doctors assure us she is going to be fine, and we’ve gotten past the stage of worrying ourselves sick, however all of this has taken a toll on me and the past few days in particular have been upsetting reminders of the things that I allowed to upset me in the past.

It started with money, as it always does.  I had been doing fine, but as I approach the end of each month, I always begin to stress out a bit as I start questioning if I will have enough to pay my rent and not go negative in my bank account.  It should be noted that since I have been living on my own (November of 2008) my bank account has never gone negative.  I simply worry myself about this month after month.  Of course there are times I cut it a little close and I am forced to transfer money from my savings account to my checking account just to be safe.  Usually, I can regroup in a week or so and I once again have my head above water so to speak.  It wasn’t a terribly big deal to do this in the past, but currently, I am putting money into my savings account specifically for my trip to Spain.  I was trying desperately to avoid taking any money out until I was ready to go on my trip.  Well, with recent events, I had to transfer a little in order to ensure I would be ok later this month.  Truly, this should not be a big deal, but I allowed it to not only ruin my day today, but I was getting worried about whether or not I would have enough money when I went to Spain.  Now, I am fairly certain I wrote a long entry here a while back about how I wasn’t going to allow myself to stress out over money all my life and I would live my life without the fear of living in a box under a bridge, but given all the recent drama, I allowed my brain to start its worrying process yet again.  I know it really is mind over matter in this situation, as I have the power to control my conscious thoughts and realize it is my subconscious that is trying to protect me by putting all these ridiculous scenarios in my head.  I just have to fight the thoughts that tell me I am going to run out of money in Spain and continue to tell myself it’s going to be ok.

With all the worry about money today, I refused to let myself go out and spend the afternoon with my friend.  I had been spending the past few Saturdays driving down to where he lives and going out to a restaurant for lunch.  I decided the cost of fuel for my car added to the cost of a meal and most likely a trip for coffee afterwards was going to strain my already tight budget too much and I decided to simply stay in all day.  Now, I have said before, there are times when I really do prefer to just stay in and spend a quiet day alone, but as today wore on, I simply felt worse and worse about not accomplishing much of anything all day.  While I watched a few programs in Spanish and read a chapter of my book in Spanish, I don’t feel like that alone was enough to justify staying home alone.  I ended up falling asleep around four in the afternoon and when I woke up it was dark outside and I felt like I had failed for the day.  I took a ride to get some food and now I am sitting here with a few options.  I could just call it a night and go to bed, but that would really be a return to the dark side for me.  I used to do that whenever I ran out of things to keep me busy.  As soon as it was dark outside I would turn in for the night.  Tomorrow I have to get up early for work and it is too easy for me to say I have to go to bed early so I get enough sleep, but that is really just a poor excuse to end my day.

It’s not that I didn’t accomplish anything today that is upsetting me.  It’s that I made excuses not to spend time with a friend, something I swore I would not do anymore.  I told myself I would not allow the fear of money or lack of money or any of that stop me from enjoying my life.  I even talked to my mother on the phone today and she was trying to encourage me to go out and yet I still stayed home.  It’s frustrating being like this, as I tell myself to be more careful with money, and people think it is money that is holding me back, but it’s not.  If it were lack of money stopping me from doing things, I would just do whatever I felt like whenever I felt like it and be broke.  The fact is, I horde the money I have because I am scared to enjoy it.  I don’t want to be irresponsible, but I use the fact that I don’t have tons and tons of money to keep myself from enjoying life.  That is what I have been trying so hard to overcome.  I had been doing very well.  I was spending more time with my friends, I was not letting the setting sun determine when I had to be in bed, and I was starting to really feel live again.  I’m mad that recent events have caused such turmoil in my life.  I refuse to let myself fall back into that state I was in just a year ago but it seems I have to make a conscious effort to stay upbeat.  As I’ve said being happy is a choice and I have to remember that.  I have to remember that there is no reason to stop being positive.  Negative energy helps no one.

I know I really shouldn’t let all this bother me.  I should just move on and forget about today but knowing I have to go back to work in the morning leaves me feeling regretful for not doing more today.  I know my job is another part of this equation, as I have finally seen the light and realized I need to move on from this job.  It’s just that in order to finally move on, I have to go through a process that is probably going to take two or more years.  I have never been a patient person and knowing what I want to do and not being able to do it is killing me.  I’ve started telling people what I would like to do, which is a good step to take towards actually doing something.  I mean, the trip to Spain was just an idea in my head before I started telling people about it.  I’m thinking I need to move to a new place.  I don’t necessarily need to be far from where I am now, but I think I need to at least be out of this state.

Anyway, perhaps that’s a story for another time.  We’ll talk more soon I’m sure.  For now, good night.


~ by James on October 25, 2014.

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