Missing A Friend

As I’ve said before, all too often I come here to write when something is bothering me and I can’t get it off my mind.  While the past month has been pretty rough for me, there were things I was looking forward to that kept my spirits up, especially this week.  My best friend was coming home, and when I say my best friend, I don’t just mean one of the guys I grew up with, I mean someone who has meant more to me over the years than any of my other friends combined.  She has been there through so many of my life’s events and I have done my best to be there for her as well, so when I learned she was coming home from Milwaukee for a week, I was thrilled.

She and I have always been friends, nothing more, although in high school many of those who saw us together assumed we were dating.  Even my mother thought wedding bells would be in our future, but that was never the nature of our relationship.  To be honest, I don’t know if there is a way to describe the relationship we share as it is not like any other I have ever witnessed.  Sometimes I wonder what it is that keeps her as close to me as she is, but I try not to question it and just be thankful she is there for me.  Sometimes I feel I don’t deserve a friend like her, but there she is, always a voice of reason to help me through my tough times.  I was there for her through her bad relationships with other guys in high school and college and I was proud to watch her dance with her husband on her wedding day.  I have known her now for 18 years and I will do whatever it takes to remain friends with her forever and always.  That being said, right now I am writing this because I had to miss seeing her today.

Sometimes I feel like I would be a better person if I modeled my life after her’s in some ways.  She, unlike me, was a determined student from high school straight through college.  She decided after college to go back to school to become a nurse.  I admired her determination to challenge herself despite already having an established job.  She could have chosen to stay in her position, but instead realized nursing was the profession she wanted to pursue and she did it with no remorse or regrets for what she had to sacrifice in order to become a nurse.  I was fortunate enough to spend time with her while she was in nursing school but of course was sad when she relocated permanently to Milwaukee with her husband.  Her birthday was last week and I was fortunate enough to see her and her son at her parent’s house for dinner and birthday cake.  Her parents are as wonderful to me as she is and I always love spending time in their house.  As a teen, I spent several nights there and they never had to be concerned we, as teens, were up to no good.  They were like parents to me and sometimes I miss them as much as I miss her.  Her son is adorable and I am so proud to watch her as a mother.

Today, I was supposed to take my mother to visit, as my  mom has never met her son.  On Thursday, I felt a pain growing in my throat that I was certain would progress into something more unpleasant.  As expected, yesterday I woke up with a sore throat and a slight headache.  I don’t get sick often, but when I do, it is usually a good kick in the head so as the evening wore on and I started feeling more fatigued, I was worried I would not have the chance to visit my friend today.  As soon as I got home from work, I jumped in my bed, hoping a good eight hours of sleep would knock out any illness I had, but as is often the case for me, I awoke several times during the  night and felt worse each time.  I woke up at 8:00 this morning with a splitting headache and and incredibly sore throat, not to mention several trips to the bathroom.  I was angry, but I knew I was in no shape to see my friend especially if it could potentially get them sick.  Her son is only eight months old and I did not want to be responsible for getting him sick.  I sent both my friend and my mother a message telling them I was too sick to make the trip but that I hoped my mother could still go see her.  I then went back to bed until almost noon.

I was happy to find that my mother did make the trip to see her and she got the chance to meet my friend’s son, but I was increasingly sad that I could not be there.  My head is still aching and it hurts to cough, so I know I made the right decision, but as the moments tick by, I can’t help but wish I at least had the chance to say good-bye before she heads back home.  I don’t know when she will be out this way again and I may not get the chance to see her before I leave for Spain.  We have talked about her visiting me when I go to Chicago for training for my job, but that’s not until July.  On one hand, I should be thankful I saw her for her birthday, but on the other hand, I hate the idea of not spending time with her again until next summer.

These past few months have really reminded me how important it is to spend time with the people who matter most to us and missing this opportunity is really upsetting me, more than I had expected.  There is a lump in my throat knowing she is leaving and even though I know we will see each other again, it’s hard to sit here right now and not get in my car and drive to her parent’s house even if only to say good-bye.  I feel like a bad friend even though it’s probably the right thing to do to avoid getting them sick and I can’t help but feel like I have disappointed her even though we did see each other once.  I have been trying so hard not to get down about things, but things like this always put me in a foul mood.  I know I don’t always express myself as openly as I should and I often come across as bitter and angry, but that is only because I feel like I have been beaten down so many times when all I want is to be happy.  She said to me the last time we spoke that it was the first time she had seen me so happy in a long time, and my goal of course was to keep that up.  I’m trying not to let this upset me too much but I can’t help but feel disappointed.  In any case, I think I’ll go make a can of soup and try to feel better.  Until next time.

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~ by James on November 22, 2014.

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