Can It Be?

I didn’t realize until I loaded my blog today that the last time I wrote something in English was before I had even met Veronica in person.  Needless to say, we have some things to talk about.  I’ve been really focusing on writing in Spanish, but I think today is a good day to spend some time expressing myself in English.

I’m back in the U.S., which initially was a good thing, but I have to say, it was a rough adjustment to come home, and while I suppose you could say I am back into my routine, I think about being in Madrid everyday and the fact that Veronica and I are still talking is possibly the only thing that is keeping me happy with my life right now.

Going to Spain opened my eyes to a lot of things, but were it not for her, I am almost certain I would have quickly fallen back into the trap of living my simple little existence, going day to day without any real ambition.  Sure, I will be attending Hamburger U. in a few weeks, and this is a huge resume builder and it will certainly open up new doors for me, but the fact is, after spending a month in Madrid, I simply cannot see myself continuing to work where I work for the rest of my life.  In fact, I don’t truly see myself being happy in a job in the U.S. if it means I won’t be able to be with Veronica.  Yes, you read that correctly.  As of right now, my plan once I finish H.U. is to finish out the year in my current position, as I made a promise to my boss that I would not go anywhere before the end of 2015, however, during this time, I plan on seeking out a better position, and yes, I want that position to be with McDonald’s in Spain.  I have every intention of moving back to Madrid within the next year to year and a half, and yes, I plan on living with Veronica.  Let’s back track a bit.

She and I went out for coffee on that fateful Saturday as I had written about in my last entry.  While we only spent eight hours together, they were the best eight hours of my entire trip.  She came to the apartment where we talked for an hour or so, then we walked around Lavapies in search of an authentic coffee shop.  Starbucks, while nice and all, wasn’t what we wanted that afternoon.  I was convinced after our coffee that we would part ways and that would be the end of that, but much to my surprise, she offered to show me around the busiest part of Madrid.  We walked, and walked, and waked some more, until I was certain we would never make it back, but she knew exactly where she was going and I had the chance to see some amazing things.  We talked about the possibility of a relationship, but at the time we both knew how difficult that could be.  I was coming home in a week and she had a life in Madrid.  Neither of us could realistically give up our lives in order to start a new life with the other.  At first, I was certain coming home to the U.S. would put an end to our friendship, but much to my delight, we have talked everyday since my return.  We obviously had feelings for one another, more so than simple friendship.  If it were me chasing her, or her stalking me, I would say it was destined for failure, but the fact is neither of us is willing to let the other go.  I care very much for her and I honestly believe she cares for me, and while it all happened very quickly, I truly believe we have something special together and I am not willing to sacrifice that for McDonald’s or anything else.

I have spent too many years of my life sacrificing my own happiness for some ridiculous loyalty I felt I owed McDonald’s.  I have spent 18 years there, mostly due to my fear of being unemployed were I to leave, but the fact is, and this is something I should have realized long ago, I am capable of doing almost anything I want.  I am reasonably intelligent and have a pretty strong reputation.  Yes, I have put in a lot of years with McDonald’s, and going to H.U. is a big deal as far as McDonald’s is concerned, but once I have that under my belt, I am really eligible to do just about anything in a managerial role.  I know I am going between McDonald’s and Veronica, but trust me, it will all make sense in the end.

Since coming home, I have a new found confidence in myself.  Everyone told me that going on this trip alone would change me, but I had my doubts, until I came home and realized I want more.  I want more than the simple life I have.  I love my friends, my family, and the things I have here, but I realized that none of those things define who I am and I can go anywhere in the world to seek out my happiness.  I lived for a month without any of those things and it helped me to see that I don’t have to be afraid of change.  Veronica and I are adults seeking out an adult relationship.  While yes, we moved a little quickly, there is no reason to say we can’t be happy together.  Initially, we talked about her moving to the U.S., but after giving it some thought, it doesn’t make any sense for her to give up all that she has in Spain for what little I have here.  Financially, we would be better off in Spain, and I simply think the two of us would be happier together in Spain.  Yes, obviously I am talking about moving to Spain, 3,000 miles from my home, to spend my life with Veronica, and yes, a year or two ago that would have been nothing more than idle talk with nothing ever coming of it, but today I am confident that this is what I want to do and this is my path to happiness.  I have been happy every day since I returned, however I find that the only times I am in a foul mood come when I am at work.  It’s a shame to think it took a trip to Europe to help me realize the root of my unhappiness was my job.

I can’t go around telling everyone that I plan on moving, at least not yet.  I wouldn’t want my boss to find out anything too soon and attempt to put a halt to my intentions.  Veronica is coming to visit me in October.  This is not a hope or a dream, this is a reality.  She already purchased her plane ticket.  We are going to spend a week together, which I am thrilled about, although I am a little nervous about bringing it up with my boss.  Clearly, he won’t be pleased that I plan on taking a week off, and the old me would have bowed under his pressure, but not now, not today.  Veronica is more important to me than any job, and I am not going to let him come between she and I.

I have talked with my mother and while I have not said directly that I am moving, I think she understands that I want to be with Veronica and if this means moving to Madrid, I am going.  I certainly don’t like the idea of leaving my family, but I can’t continue sacrificing my life for fear of change.  Veronica worries sometimes that my intentions are not authentic, but I think I have shown her through our conversations that I am sincere and ready to truly be involved with her.  As silly as it may sound, my heart soared when she posted her status on Facebook as “In a relationship.”  She meant with me!  Haha.  I of course went and did the same.  We have talked about all kinds of things involving a future together, but the thing I think most important is that we are still taking things step by step.  Yes, I want to go back to Madrid but I know this will take some time, and we have accepted that.  She sometimes doubts things are going to work out, but I assure her as long as we don’t get ahead of ourselves, we’ll be fine.

I have never felt like this before.  Sure, there were times I was excited to go on a date or giddy about a possible relationship, but this goes beyond that.  We enjoy our opportunities to talk, and we send each other messages daily, but we are not so hung up on one another that we can’t go about our daily lives.  She understands that our schedules are difficult to work around, as she is six hours ahead of me, but I do my best to say good morning to her when I wake up and she says good night when she goes to bed for the evening.  I still go out with my friends and I still have time to myself to do the things I want to do, but when we have time to talk to one another, I truly love hearing her voice.  It’s shocking to me to think I am talking about having a real relationship with someone so amazing, but here it is, and I am happier than ever.  I guess that’s all I can say for tonight, but I’m sure there will be more to come.  Until then…

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~ by James on June 29, 2015.

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