Here It Is

I know I run the risk of being exposed by those I know if I write anything too personal here, but I’ve decided it makes little to no sense to pretend I feel one way to the outside world and then come here or here to reveal my deeper, more personal thoughts.  I’ve been writing a lot in Spanish, as it is my preferred way of writing nowadays, but even that has been guarded, as I have been scribbling many of my thoughts in a notebook versus posting them to my blog.  Sure, I’ve tossed a few ideas around here and there, but for the most part, I’ve kept my more personal feelings out of the public eye, mostly because Veronica would prefer we keep our relationship between the two of us and not out there for the entire world to gaze upon.  That being said, I am going to talk about my feelings a little without putting too much of the limelight on her.  I don’t want her to feel any pressure, but sometimes I just need to get my thoughts out and down on paper so to speak.  So here it is.

When I came back from Spain, Veronica and I discussed continuing, or at least attempting, a long distance relationship.  Outwardly, I was very nonchalant about the entire situation, when in truth, I was sort of tied up in knots about it all.  I never doubted I had feelings for her.  What I doubted was whether or not we could really make this work.  I wanted to, but I understood it would not be easy.  While I told my friends and family, “We’re just taking it slow and we’re going to see where it goes,” in truth, I was very eager to move full steam ahead.  I like her and I can’t tell you specifically why I like her, which is how I know it is real.  I can’t just say, “Oh, she has nice eyes,” or, “I like the way her hair falls across her face,” both of which are true, but don’t fully express how I feel about her.  I think about her constantly and whenever we talk, I have a smile on my face.  She makes me happy in general, not just in a specific moment.  While we have not had any arguments, we have been frustrated about our situation, and I am glad to say we worked things out calmly and like level headed adults.  I send her messages as soon as I wake up in the morning and I do my best to wish her good night each night.  We have talked each and every day since we first met and all of this makes me very happy.  So what am I going on about here tonight in truth?  She and I both realize that to truly have a relationship and not just a long distance friendship, we need to be together permanently.  We have discussed this and right now, my intention is to move to Spain, hopefully sometime early in 2016.  Now, a lot has to happen between now and then, but I have already started formulating a plan on how we would do this and while it may take some work, I see no reason why I can’t do this.

The first step, for me at least, is to make some connections with higher level McDonald’s folks.  I am not saying I have to continue working for McDonald’s, but my hope is to find a position in some form of training department in Madrid.  There is no guarantee there will be any positions available, but once I return from Chicago, where I am heading next week, I plan on talking with a close McDonald’s friend who I know will help me out in any way she can.  With a position lined up, I hope to be in Spain between March and May of 2016.  Any later than that is asking a lot from Veronica.  Regardless of what I find after Chicago, Veronica is coming to spend a week with me in October.  We both know this is big, as if things go sour, obviously it wasn’t meant to be, but I am confident we are going to have a great time.  Should all go well, she has said she would like to come spend Christmas here as well, and I am all for it.  Once the New Year arrives, hopefully I will know more about a job and can start making plans to move.  I feel that regardless of my employment status, I still need to move forward with plans on moving in with her.  Having a job ahead of time would make things easier, but I feel we can still manage even if I move out there without a specific job lined up.  One advantage I have is that often times, employers are seeking English speaking employees and I may be able to find work utilizing English, even if only for short time.  Obviously I would prefer to use Spanish, but a job is a job, right?

She has talked about seeing other countries once I am moved out there, and the prospect of seeing more of the world truly excites me.  Were it not for her, I doubt I would ever have the courage or inspiration to see any more of the world after my trip to Madrid.  Without getting too sentimental and mushy, she has certainly changed how I feel about life, my future, and where I want to be.  I am comfortable talking to her and we make each other laugh.  Honestly, what more can I ask for?  I’m not perfect, she’s not perfect, and I never set out to find the perfect woman, but what I have found is someone who compliments me in a way I can not fully understand.  I see myself with her at my side, something I am rarely able to do, and I look forward to ending the loneliness we each feel being apart from one another.

The old me would have spent his time here coming up with every excuse not to move to Spain, but the me I have become is eager to move forward with this, regardless of the consequences.  No, I am not going to jump in without looking first, but I am also not going to let doubt stand in my way.  Anything can happen, this I know, but if I let that dictate my decisions, I will never have a life.

So that’s it.  Hopefully, any further entries here will be focused on my progress towards moving.  Someone once told me you should never finish one goal without the next goal in mind.  So, I finished my goal of spending a month in Madrid by myself.  Now, my next goal is to move in with Veronica before I turn 35.  I’ll keep you posted.

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~ by James on July 9, 2015.

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