Embracing The Future, Or Not

Today has been an interesting yet incredibly boring day all at once.  Two nights ago I poured my heart out, revealing some of my inner most feelings, hoping to clear my head a little and see if I could make sense of all that has been going on in my life for the past two months.  I hate to sound cliche or melodramatic, but the fact is, I have gone through a lot of shit since April 30th, and I am still not sure who I am.  I know, I know, on one hand, everyone told me going to Spain was going to change my life, but on the other hand, it’s only been a month and a half since I returned, how much could have really changed? Well, let’s take a look.

As I said, today has been boring and interesting all at once.  I leave for Chicago tomorrow morning for my week at Hamburger U. and I had asked my best friend to go to dinner with me tonight before heading out.  I waited around most of the morning and early afternoon to hear from him and when he texted me, we ended up deciding not to go anywhere.  Basically, he didn’t want to go where I wanted to go, and I didn’t want to go where he wanted to go.  There were no hard feelings, but I sort of felt like I had wasted my day and now here I was, sitting in my apartment in the early afternoon with nothing more to do all day.  Originally, I had planned on Skyping with Veronica this morning to meet her mom.  Admittedly, I was a little nervous, but eager to give it a shot.  We never got around to it, as she was out all day with her mother, and that’s totally fine, but now I have had no real contact with any humans all day long.  OK, I did chat with Veronica a little while ago and I plan on at least saying good night to her later, but all in all, it has been a pretty quiet day and I’ve had some time to think.

Why is it going out with my friends no longer appeals to me?  It started when I got back.  I went to see my coworkers the first full day I was home.  I wanted them to be excited to see me, but more importantly, I wanted to be excited to see them, but a strange thing happened.  They were as happy as I expected them to be, but I wasn’t.  Sure, I was glad to see them, but there wasn’t that sense of joy I had expected to feel.  The same has been true with almost everything in my life since I have returned.  I still go out for coffee with my friend, but it’s not quite the same.  I go to work everyday yet I constantly watch the clock to know how long before I can leave.  While I was never overjoyed with my work, I usually found some satisfaction in what I did, but aside from a few of the regular customers I enjoy talking to, I find each day rather lonely as I really have no one to talk to.  I don’t ant to say it, but I am growing apart from all the things I once knew and loved.  I suppose it’s natural, and I think my friend has noticed it, but the fact is, I just don’t feel like we have the same friendship as before I went to Spain.  It’s almost like I am disappointed he doesn’t share my enthusiasm, but he wasn’t there, so why should he?

I have started to see that my life here is not really much of anything.  I go to work and feel frustrated and lonely and when I come home, I can’t sit still.  It’s not that I don’t like my place, but I can’t stay indoors for more than a few moments at a time.  I go for walks, but they are not like the walks I took in Madrid.  I said not long ago that I now see my life through different eyes, and unfortunately, they don’t like what they see.  Everything has paled slightly and I am hungry for more.  Tomorrow is supposed to start the process of changing my life and who I am, but I fear it may not do all that I hope it will.

I have said already, I want to move to Madrid to be with Veronica permanently.  We have talked about it and while she goes back and forth on some things, I think we both agree that March or April of next year is the breaking point.  It either happens by then, or not at all.  Today she and I talked about just getting through October when she comes to visit and I fear maybe she thinks things are going to go badly.  I realize a week is not much time together and I also realize that aside from our one day together in Madrid, we have only been “together” through internet conversations, yet I still find happiness each time we talk and I feel we have a connection already that hopefully will only grow stronger once we are together in person.  I have tried not to think about what might happen if things don’t go well, but I wonder if I should give it some consideration.  That’s to say, instead of only thinking of one possible positive outcome, I should consider multiple positive possibilities, or at least what could happen if she and I don’t decide to be together.

I have feelings for her, in that I have no doubt.  I have also been hurt before, and I don’t want that to happen again, but that does not mean living in Madrid is the only possibility.  I don’t think she would want to live here, but I suppose anything is possible.  I feel, financially at least, given her job in Madrid, we would be better off there, however once I get through Chicago, I suppose the doors are open for me to find much better employment.  I hate thinking about money and I hate how it rules who I am, but I won’t allow her to come here if it means living in poverty or pay check to pay check.  I have lived that way on my own for too long and I won’t bring her down to that.  She is too good for that.

I have considered looking for jobs in Boston or Chicago and I suppose that is always a possibility, but the problem I run into with that is bringing Veronica here legally can take months if not years.  I think, although I may be wrong, it would be much easier for me to go to Spain than for her to come here.  I’m not fond of thinking of a life without her, as no matter what job I have or how much money I make, I won’t truly be happy as a single old man.  I have tried to tell myself that I could live a happy life here as it is and not complain, but when I came back from Madrid and saw the way some people just repeat the same routine, day after day after day, I realized that is not the life I want or could ever be happy with.  While yes, I have my routines, I need something more.  Veronica wants to see the world, and when I say world, I mean every country, and that excites me.  That gives me hopes that I will see more things that some people will never see.  I remember how I felt, standing in the Plaza Mayor and thinking to myself that no one I knew back home had ever set their eyes on this place, and it was unique to me.  It was a very cool feeling.

I still can’t describe how it makes me feel to think back on my month in Madrid.  While it was only 27 days, I can still see everything vividly in my head and it’s a shame that when I describe something or show someone my pictures they will never have the same view that I had on that place.  I was there, and pictures will never tell the whole story.  Veronica suggested that I only wanted to be with her as a means to live in Madrid, but that is not true.  I have told her I would live anywhere in the world with her, and that is true.  If I was not going to be with her, yes, I would want to live in Madrid as opposed to here, and I think we could have a great life living where she lives now, but my feelings for her and my feelings for Madrid are on two separate levels.

I think about the hours I spent here alone today and then I think about the few short moments Veronica and I had to talk and I realize how important it is to have someone like that in your life.  Yes, I have great friends and family, but to have someone to confide in, to be truthful with, to bare your soul with, is altogether different.  No, I don’t need to spend every waking second with her.  In fact, we both appreciate our time alone, but I have started to feel that spending just a little time with her on a permanent basis outweighs any other human interaction.  I will miss my friends if I leave.  I will miss my family if I leave.  But I cannot go on living alone, stuck in a silence as I have no one to truly connect with.  She has asked me why I don’t look for an American woman to be with, it would be so much easier.  Well, I don’t know, maybe that’s true, but we found each other and for some reason, we get along really well, and I don’t want to end that.  She allows me to be the person I want to be and she prefers that I speak to her in Spanish.  I love the fact that I have someone I can talk to entirely in Spanish and not feel foolish or timid.  Sure, I still make a lot of mistakes but were it not for her, I would not be nearly as advanced as I have gotten in just a few weeks.

I felt happiness while I was in Spain, and I am happy when I am with Veronica, so I know my heart truly does lie in Madrid.  I just have to accept that for a while, I have to go on living my life here in the hopes it will all get better.  It has been difficult trying to combine the two lives, the one I lived in Spain and the one I came home to, but I haven’t totally given up.  For now, I need to focus my attention on getting through my week in Chicago.  Hopefully, after that, all will be well.  We’ll see, won’t we?

~ by James on July 11, 2015.

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