It Ain’t Easy Being Green

Sometimes I don’t even realize myself how impressive it really was for me to travel to Madrid all by myself.  Anyone who has known me for more than five minutes would tell you I am not the type to do anything adventurous, let alone travel to a foreign country completely alone to spend a month among people who don’t speak English.  OK, well I did it, and I am truly proud of myself, but one of my biggest fears coming home was that after all was said and done, I would just go back to being the me I was before the trip.  During the trip, I gained an immense amount of confidence in myself.  I learned that I could survive when left on my own, and that the world really isn’t all that big and scary.  I had a great time and I truly felt like a different person while in Spain.  Coming back was hard.  I didn’t realize just how difficult it was going to be to readjust to living my same old life.  I desperately wanted to continue being the newer, happier me, but reality is a powerful thing and little by little I have felt my newer, better life, slipping back into my old ways.  I am terrified I will go back to being that lonely, isolated introvert who found any excuse under the sun to stay in and avoid living.

I have one truly wonderful thing that inspires me to continue being a better person.  I never planned on meeting Veronica, and surely had we not met, I would already be back to being that miserable, lonely person.  Thankfully, she and I have talked each and every day since we first met and we have plans on spending a week in October together here in the US.  She has never been to the US before, and coming here on her own is a huge step for her.  We have been planning the week together for some time now and I am very anxious for her to come, but much like my trip to Spain, I am worried once it is here it will pass by all too quickly.  She has given me hope that I can be that person I want to be and with her, I can forge the life I really want, not just the one that I have accepted.

Last night, as always seems to be the case, I had several moments of panic.  I always worry about money.  Honestly, money has always been one of the things that devours my confidence.  I work very hard and yet it always seems I come up just a little bit short.  Until now, I have always gotten by, and I try to tell myself I will continue to get by, but now that I have Veronica to think about, I worry just a little bit more, and probably for the wrong reasons.  I fear she will discover how little money I actually have and feel I am not the right man for her.  I worry that money will be the issue that drives us apart.  She has a good job and obviously can afford to travel to the US, but I feel it is my responsibility to show her a good time in the US, and in order to do that, well, it won’t be cheap.  I know if honestly she has feelings for me as I have for her, money shouldn’t be an issue, but it’s too idealistic to believe that the matter won’t come into play.  Of course I can’t help but plan beyond October and I am hopeful our relationship continues so that we can be together in Spain, but last night my financial fears were causing me to fear that October would be the last time I see her.

I can’t bring these fears to her as it is not her burden to bare, but once October passes, we have to decide what the next step is.  I have told her that I would move to Madrid in a heartbeat and we have discussed living together starting in April, but I have to be able to get myself there.  All the willpower in the world won’t buy me a plane ticket.  Once I am there, I will have to have a job.  I have said to her that I can easily go into any McDonald’s in Madrid (there are roughly 22 in the area) and with my credentials, I should be able to get a job very easily, but that could easily be me talking a big talk with nothing to really back it.  Sure, I went to HU out in Chicago and I am qualified to work at any McDonald’s in the world basically, but that’s not to say they are necessarily hiring.  I can’t go to Spain and be a financial burden on Veronica, and if I do leave the US, it would be mighty hard to go crawling back to my boss here should I have to come home.

We talk about the future, she and I, and we talk about living together, getting married, having a family, all of that, and it makes me feel great.  Sometimes she has her doubts and she’ll tell me I am moving too fast, and she’s right.  I always tell her we need to do things step by step, but sometimes my steps are bigger than her’s.  I don’t want to worry her, nor do I want to pressure her to do anything she isn’t ready for, but we are both in our 30’s and I fear that if she and I don’t end up together, we will both end up alone and I don’t want that for either of us.  She makes me laugh, she makes me smile, and I can’t help but think about her throughout the day.  I know she thinks about me and that alone makes me feel amazing.  I have not very often had the chance to feel this way, and I feel like with her, I can start a new chapter in my life.  I have done everything here I can do.  There really is nothing more for me here.  She worries that maybe I will find a great paying job somewhere else in the US and then in order to be together she would have to move here, but I have assured her my preference will always be Spain.  My friends ask me if I could really change my life that drastically to move to Spain, and I ask in return, how can I stay here for the rest of my life?  I am not unhappy here, but I am not happy either.  There is a difference in being content and being happy.  I want to be happy with Veronica.  Would I miss my friends and family?  That’s a ridiculous question, as of course I would, but Veronica is becoming my family and she is who I want to spend my days with.

Other than talk about it, I haven’t done anything to plan beyond October.  I haven’t bought a plane ticket, I haven’t sold my belongings, I just talk about what may be.  I think perhaps that is my one biggest fear beyond that of money.  I will talk and talk and talk, and October will come and pass and I will find myself no closer to making a change than I am now.  It was said that 34 is statistically the happiest year for people.  I have been doing my best to make it so, but in order to be happy, well, it takes a little work.  I am who I am and it is not easy to change overnight.  I keep telling myself, step by step, but sometimes I feel like I am not moving forward.

Oh well, that’s enough of that for today.  We’ll talk more soon.

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~ by James on August 5, 2015.

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