More Saturday Confusion

Is it possible to be both happy and sad all at once?  I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m frustrated, and I am completely at a loss for what I want to do, or more importantly, what I should be doing.  I have felt out of sorts all day long, which is nothing new for me on Saturday’s, but for some reason, today my conflicting emotions were even more pronounced.  I tried expressing them to my friend, Paul, but I felt like nothing I was saying was really conveying how I really felt.  I was able to at least break it into three components, the first being my unhappiness with my job, the second being the loneliness I feel living in the state I do, and I mean emotional/physical, not the state of Connecticut, and the third being my feelings for Veronica.  I’ll start with her, because at least with her I feel the most grounded in my feelings, meaning they are the most black and white.  I love her.  I know it’s crazy to say that, but I have tested myself a number of ways and I am certain that I want to be with her.  I know this mainly because it is because of her I feel both happy and sad today.  Just the thought of her brings a smile to my face and for that I am inexplicably happy, but the fact we are still physically so far apart fills me with an emptiness I can not fully understand as I have never experienced it before.  I was out with friends this afternoon, something that should have made me feel good, and while I certainly laughed and tried to enjoy myself, I could not help but feel alone without her.  She is visiting her family this weekend, which is great for her and I wanted to use this weekend as an opportunity to see my friends while she was seeing her family, to see if we could get along independently of one another for a day or so.  As it happened, I thought about her all day and felt guilty the few times we messaged one another and were unable to really have any kind of meaningful discussion.  Don’t get me wrong, Paul and I have had great conversations over the course of our friendship, but it’s different when she and I talk.  I feel safe, comfortable, open, and capable of telling her anything.  With my friends, even when we are being honest and open with one another, I am always guarded.  With her, I let my guard down completely and it makes me feel great.  I know it’s silly, ridiculous even, to think we will ever be so close that we will be in one another’s arms constantly, but I think about the possibilities of us living together, getting married, having children, and it brings me great joy, but also tremendous fear and sadness that it may never come to be.  I hope someday to look back at this all and laugh at the foolishness of it all, but right now it pains me to think of the possibility we won’t end up together, even though she is still coming to spend a week with me in October and after that I hope to make plans for a more permanent arrangement in Spain.

I guess that all brings me to the other two points.  After talking with Paul, I realized it’s not living here specifically that bothers me, but living here alone and feeling like I am going nowhere.  I like my apartment and I enjoy the little things I do, but I can’t live my life in a routine like that for the rest of my life and expect to be happy.  If Veronica wanted to move here to live with me in the United States, surely we could make a life together, but I just feel it would be easier on us both were I to go to Spain.  Quite honestly, it doesn’t matter where we end up as long as I know she is happy.  Certainly I want to find my happiness as well, but I feel my happiness is derived from her being happy.  The only way I could see us living here, or even in the United States would be if my quality of life improved greatly, and that would mean either a huge, and I mean massive, raise in salary, or a better job offer somewhere else.  I have worked for my boss for 18 years and he and I have reached a point where he either needs to recognize my true value to him or I need to move on.  I have jumped through the hoops and done all that is required of me, it is time for me to start earning a living for myself.  I don’t know when it will happen, but sometime between now and next April, he and I are going to have a serious, serious talk about me and my life.  April is the cutoff for me regarding Veronica.  Well, let me rephrase that.  I will be with Veronica in April, whether it be here or in Spain.  My gut feeling is I will be in Spain, especially if things go well in October between us.  I feel she fears we will not hit it off in October and that will be the end of our relationship, however I feel the opposite and have high hopes that once we spend a week together, she will see we should never again be apart.  I can’t just invite myself to live with her, but we have discussed that possibility for April and I hope she will be set on the idea after she returns home in October.

If things go sour between she and I, something I hate to think about, I will still be set on either a new job or a huge salary increase in my current position.  I won’t settle for anything less.  I can’t.  I simply cannot go on living like this, unhappy and frustrated each and every time I go to work.  I used to enjoy my job and I want to enjoy it again.

While I have no real answers to what the solution is, I think I have at least realized my one true priority is Veronica.  While yes, a better, higher paying job would be nice, finding that she and I will have a life together takes precedence over everything else.  It’s frustrating to feel so trapped all the time, but I try to hold onto the belief that she feels as strongly as I do about this relationship and we are going to make it work.  I have considered moving to Spain with nothing more than the clothes on my back (OK, and a few other things) but I would much rather have a job lined up when I got there.  Spain has suffered through some rough economic times, and I don’t think it would be wise of me to just show up and think someone will hire me, although there are quite a few McDonald’s over there.

In any case, my feverish ranting hasn’t gotten me all that much further towards a solution, but I do feel a little better getting it all out in the open.  I love her, I know this, and now I have to bring us together.  Wish me luck.

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~ by James on August 15, 2015.

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