Once Again, She’s Right

When I first met Veronica, one thing about her I was to remember was that she “always wins.”  “Siempre gano,” she said, literally translated as, “I always win.”  We laughed about that as I quickly and stubbornly insisted that, oh no, I would certainly win on occasion.  Well, so far, I am like 1-10.  What I have discovered, and this goes for all of humanity, not just Veronica and me, is that it is OK to not always win.  In fact, I would go so far as to say I have learned more from her by not winning than I ever would have by always being right.  That is to say, I don’t consider it losing, as we both have gained from the experience.  Granted, if my wisdom holds true, she will have to not win a few times at least, but for now, I am thankful to her for “siempre ganando.”

When I was younger, I often felt it was important to come out victorious in any sort of verbal discord.  If I felt I was right, I would defend myself to the bitter end, always insisting on having the last word, even if it meant ultimately angering more people than satisfying.  I’ve learned in recent times that this is ridiculous, as what benefit is there from arrogantly looking down on others simply to say, “I’m right and you’re wrong?”  Being the victor in this situation really only means you are unwilling to see the multitude of other possibilities or the view point of other people.  Sure, perhaps your singular stance has won an argument, but you have foregone several other ways of thinking that may in fact be better.  Let’s see if I can make myself more clear with some examples.

This all came about this afternoon.  I had had a pretty drab day, which, to be fair, was mostly due to being tired.  I worked a ten hour shift and when I got home, I was less than pleasant.  I hadn’t spoken to Veronica all day, but when I had messaged her in the morning, I got the sense she was upset about something.  I messaged her as soon as I got home and tried to pry it out of her. My first mistake.  Next, when she asked me what was bothering me, I went on a tirade about how miserable I had felt lately and how frustrating it was to be so far away from her and to feel so powerless and alone.  Yes, looking back on it, it was a pretty pathetic attempt at drawing sympathy out of her, but when she basically told me to buck up and be a man, I got offended.  Sure, it hurt my pride and slapped my manhood around a little.  She even went so far as to say she was looking to date a man, not a boy.  Ouch.  OK, it stung and I was annoyed and now I didn’t want to talk to her.  In my stubborn bout of immaturity, I tried the guilt trip approach of, “All I wanted was to come home and talk to you and you aren’t interested, blah, blah, blah.”  Well, that didn’t work either and now I felt like a piece of dirt for trying to make her feel bad and she felt bad for ripping on me when I was already in a bad mood.  OK, so at this moment, neither of us was winning, but as we went along (and here’s where the grown up part comes in) we didn’t tell each other to f*** off and storm off to bed, as that accomplishes absolutely nothing.  No, we stayed online and slowly but surely we started cracking jokes with one another and trying to cheer the other one up because in this situation, neither one of us was going to win by signing off angrily.  She started picking on my American accent and begged me to speak to her in English just to make her laugh.  Just hearing her voice, hearing her laughter, brought a smile to my face and suddenly I realized how ridiculous it was to be pestering her with my stupid worries and concerns over the future.  She told me she didn’t like that I worried so much, especially over money, which we all know is an issue I have.  She said that we’re not going to live under a bridge and that she doesn’t expect luxurious things, just enough to be happy.  Damn, is she perfect or what?  I know, there will always come a time when she wants some kind of fancy trinket or something, all women do, but the fact is, I worry too much about money when really, I should just relax and continue doing what I am doing to get myself situated with her.  Sure, I need to be cautious how I go about spending my cash, but she is right that I need to worry much less about it.

If this were a few years ago, I would be here writing about how I stubbornly stormed off to bed and now I was afraid she was home crying herself to sleep, but instead, thankfully, she went to bed happy (I think) and I am here feeling much less stressed out.  I am thankful to her for keeping me grounded and much more thankful that she has become a part of my life.  If there is ever a second of doubt that comes to mind about my desire to be with her, I just think about how connected I already feel to her and how I am sure that connection can only grow stronger.  Yes, I have only known her for about three and a half months, but in that time we have had disagreements and unlike relationships in the past, we seem to come out stronger in the end.  I like that we can disagree and still come back to each other because I do love her and I do want to be with her.  No, this isn’t some fairy tale or a Lifetime Movie of the Week, but it is something special and I will absolutely not let it go.

It’s hard, this I won’t deny.  The stronger my feelings become for her, the harder it is each day to face the mundane life I have here at home, but I have to be resilient and remember that it’s all worth it.  I wouldn’t feel so bad if I didn’t know we were going to be so happy in the future.  I can see the finish line, but there is still a lot of track to cover.  She makes me happy, even if she also makes me angry, but that’s how it is going to be.  None of us can make everyone happy all of the time.  Anyway, that’s my bit of knowledge for the night.  Until next time…

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~ by James on August 31, 2015.

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