It seems I always come back to this.  I don’t think I’m alone here either.  I think fear is the overlying emotion we all feel all too often that prevents us from living a life more extraordinary.  I’ve used fear to my advantage, or disadvantage, many many times in my life.  I have used fear to make excuses for why I don’t attempt to live a more interesting, more enriching life.  I have posted blog entries here even that suggest I could be happy living the same mundane life day after day until my death.  I have told myself I don’t need excitement, or at the very least, something new and different every once and a while to have a fruitful life.  Look, I can’t speak for others and I certainly don’t know what it takes to make others happy, but for me, to continue on with my day to day existence for fear of change would be an absolute shame and I would feel I wasted my opportunity to live a full and complete life.  I am not suggesting I need to kayak along the Nile River nor do I want to bungee jump off a cliff in Africa.  I just want to say when it comes time to look back on my life that I didn’t restrict my chances for happiness based solely on my fear of change.

I have known people throughout my life who have told me that my fear of change is my greatest weakness, and it took a lot of courage on my part to finally accept that, challenge that, and take a risk in my life.  I have gone to Spain and that was the first step, and now, I need to continue on.  Veronica will be here in less than two weeks and despite our growing excitement, we are both also filled with fear.  Her fear is traveling alone to meet someone she has only met in person once.  My fear is that I will disappoint her.  Her fear is falling for me and realizing we may not be able to be together.  My fear is that she will decide she does not want to continue beyond her visit.  Our fears are real and legitimate and the only way I know how to confront them is to face them together when she is here with me at the end of the month.  We can not do anything before then.  I am confident things will go well, but that’s all I can offer, my confidence.  While I am sure all will go well during the week, that opens up a whole new door of possibilities and fear to go along with those possibilities.  I love her, I have no doubt of that, but to move forward with our relationship, we will both have to overcome huge obstacles of fear.

I have told her that after October, I want to move forward with planning on living with her in Spain.  I have told her that April would be the soonest I could move and while that is not a terribly long time to wait, it’s six more months of us being apart.  If I could be with her sooner, I would, but I don’t know that I would have the money set aside to buy a plane ticket and pay for any other expenses I would have to cover either here in the U.S. or over there.  Talking about it is one thing, but actually doing it is another.  There’s no way around it, moving to Spain would mean overcoming a great deal of fear.  I love her, I want to live with her, and I want to live in Spain, but at the same time, this means saying good-bye to my family, my friends, my job, and everything I have ever known here.  It’s a huge step, but I know it would bring me to better things in my life.  I know I would be enamored with the country and I know she and I would make a beautiful couple.  We have talked about having a child and we even discussed trying once I am settled there.

I can not allow fear to keep me here.  I can not tell myself that life would be better here because it’s just not true.  Right now I am existing.  For one month, I lived in Spain, and I was alive.  I want to live like that again.  I want to walk out my door and see something new.  I know after living there for some time, things will become a routine, that’s unavoidable.  My hopes are that my routine in Spain will involve a wife, a child, a job that I enjoy, and the opportunity to speak a language I love to speak.  Perhaps it is ridiculous to think I can derive happiness from a language, but it really does fill me with pride when I am able to communicate with others in Spanish, particularly Veronica.  Without Spanish, I would not be with her and I will be forever grateful that she and I can communicate in so many different ways.

Everyone tells me to follow my heart, and I know now that is what I have to do.  It’s too easy to talk yourself out of doing something simply by telling yourself you are being logical.  Sure, if I wanted to be logical, I could stay here, save all my money and never take a risk, but where would that get me?  Who would I be?  I am no one here.  I am an entity with no real identity.  I want to be the guy people talk about and say, “Yeah, he took a risk and moved to Spain to be with the woman he loved.”  My mother has given me her blessing to follow my heart, and as much as I would miss my family, Veronica and I have already discussed making trips back here to see them.  I’ll miss my friends, but they have their lives and I have to have mine.  There’s nothing here I can’t live without, and there’s nothing here that can’t live without me.  Yes, I’m going to have to face a lot of fear in the coming months.  I am going to have to challenge myself in ways I have never been challenged before, but I won’t allow myself to simply exist anymore.  I have to stand out on that ledge knowing I have people out there to support me and will catch me if I fall.

The next few months should be the most interesting of my life.  Wish me luck.


~ by James on October 9, 2015.

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