No Doubt

Over the last few days I’ve noticed that I feel pretty ill when I get up in the morning.  At first I thought nothing of it, as I often feel like crap early in the day.  Added to that is the fact that the weather has gotten quite warm here recently and suddenly we find ourselves in Summer.  It is June after all, so I am not terribly surprised by the change in temperature, but I noticed the main floor of our house gets very hot in the morning if the windows are sealed up overnight.  I thought of suggesting to Vero that we keep at least one window open overnight, but I know that makes her uncomfortable, so I let it go.  In any case, this morning was the worst.  I came downstairs and had breakfast, as I do every morning, and then went to shower, and it was at this point I started feeling kind of gross.  After showering, my stomach starting knotting up and I soon found myself racing to the bathroom, certain I was going to pass out or something.  OK, perhaps I overreacted just a little, as I am starting to feel better now, but at the time, I was in a cold sweat and wanting to keel over.  I don’t know what it is that is making me feel so bad in the mornings and I always get nervous if I am sick when I am home alone.  Who would I call if I really needed medical attention?  I know it’s a little ridiculous to start worrying about silly things like that, but whenever I feel sick or overly stressed about something, I start questioning my decisions about coming here, which I know is silly, as there is nothing so great about the life I would have if I had never come to Spain compared to what I have here now.  What makes me certain that I have made the right choice is not how I feel about the life I would have had back in the US, but how it makes me feel to think of the life I would have left for Vero if I had not come here.

In a lot of ways, her life was very similar to mine before I came here, and had I stayed in the United States, I imagine her life would have continued on the same path as mine, one of stability, but ultimately unhappiness, loneliness, and the realization that what we were living was not a life, but simply an existence.  Before, my focus was always on myself and my loneliness and unhappiness.  Now that I am with her, I don’t worry about me, I worry about her.  She is what concerns me.  Her happiness is what I care about, and because of this, I know I love her.  I think about her coming home to an empty house at night and it pains me.  I think about her spending her weekends alone, in the company of friends, but not really with anyone.  I think about what would have happened to her, not to me if I had not come here, and I feel terrible.  When I tell her I only care about her happiness, it is the truth.  Sometimes it is difficult for me to be the ideal boyfriend, the ideal husband, but that’s because I am limited right now with no job and no car.  I want to give her the world, and it upsets me that I can’t, at least not right now.

My life has changed tremendously since the day I first met her.  I don’t think there was ever a time since that first day we spent together that I didn’t think we would somehow end up together, either in Spain or in the United States.  It’s been a crazy ride and sometimes I find myself falling into the trap of being the old me, and it’s in these moments that I start questioning what I am doing.  I’ll be honest, this has not been easy, but no one ever said it would be.  It’s impossible not to worry about the future and feel stressed out over things, but what I have taught myself to do is pace myself.  Take the problems one at a time and deal with them as they come along, not before.  It’s too easy to become stressed out over things we can’t control, or at least can’t control in the moment.  I could rattle off a seemingly endless list of the troubles we could potentially face over the next few years, something that managed to keep me from sleeping the other night, but I would rather focus on the idea of the happiness we are going to have throughout the rest of our lives.

In November, just a little over five months from now, Veronica and I will have a baby.  Right now, above all, her health is what is important to me.  The doctor’s tell us everything looks great, but as this is new to the both of us, it’s impossible not to worry over every little incident.  She comes home exhausted from work and it worries me.  She often feels nauseous and just wants to rest.  I don’t like that it takes her almost two hours to commute to and from work, but again, without a car of my own, there is little I can do.  I go to meet her at the train station when I can and we come home together, which I enjoy doing, but right now I can’t afford to do that more than once a week.  Being a father both scares and excites me.  Had I never come to Spain, I would not be talking about being a dad, a papá.  I’m thrilled and terrified.  I want to be the best possible father I can be, but those moments of fear and doubt inevitably slip into my mind and I find myself stressing out over everything, from changing a diaper to paying for college.  This is a person, a person who I am going to have to care for from this day forward.

I can’t imagine a day without Vero in my life and I can’t imagine what it would have been like for her had I ever said I was not coming here to be with her.  I used to think that maybe I didn’t understand what love was or that I would never really be able to say that I loved someone, but I know now that I love her and that I want to spend each and every day with her.  Yes, I miss my home in the United States, and yes, I miss my family and friends terribly, but I know now we don’t have to choose between one or the other.  Vero and I are a family and together we are going to find ways to see all of our family, both her’s and mine.  We talk about living in the United States, and I want to, but right now, we need to focus on caring for our baby here in Spain.  It will be some time before we can head to the United States and while yes, we need to plan well in advance for a move like that, right now we need to focus on the present.

~ by James on June 8, 2016.

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