I’m Not….

So I have spent a lot of time when I post here talking about the things I want to do.  I am famous for making lists of all the things I hope to accomplish in a given time frame.  More often than not, these goals go unfulfilled as I let the world around me distract me from what I want to do.  That may be the case, or I may just be lazy, I’m not sure which.  In either case, today instead of talking about what I will do because it seems I rarely follow through on those commitments, I would prefer to talk about the things I won’t do.  That being said, let the non-list making begin.

Before I go too far, I just want to add a few minor details I suppose.  First of all, my intention today and everyday henceforth is to be more positive about my situation.  It is really no secret that I am not terribly happy living in Spain, but a lot of that has little or nothing to do with Spain, it just happens that’s where I am when my problems come and go.  And when I say problems, they may in fact be tangible things, but I have realized recently that really, my problems are all in my head, or at least that’s where I let them lie.  I have spent too much time allowing these irrational fears control my actions and more importantly my emotions.  As of today, I am saying “no more.”  Now, I have had moments like this before in my life, moments in which I felt as if I had hit rock bottom and the only thing left to do was climb back up.  I swore the last time this happened that I would not let it happen again, but somehow life has a not so funny way of knocking you on your ass time and time again.  Sure, I have been guilty of questioning why it seems my life has been singled out to be more difficult than others, but that’s not fair.  There are a lot of miserable people in this world and a lot of folks who have been dealt a bad hand.  Sure, I get knocked around quite a bit, but when I stop to dust myself off, I realize perhaps I don’t have it so bad and I just need to chug along and maybe, just maybe, things will get a little brighter in time.  So, what is it I’m not going to do?

I’m not going to wake up every morning with a negative attitude.  Too many days have come and gone with me dreading the dawn.  I’m not going to fear what the day may bring.  I am lucky to open my eyes every morning.  I am lucky to have a woman who loves me and a baby who smiles when she sees me.  I’m not going to deny the happiness that brings me.

I’m not going to let fear control me anymore.  What am I afraid of really?  I let social fears, shyness dictate where I go, who I talk to, and how I live my life.  I’m not living my life, I’m letting it pass me by.  I’m not going to waste anymore time.  Yes, due to circumstances, I am home alone quite a bit.  I’m not going to sit here in bitter silence anymore.  I’m not going to complain I am trapped.  I am here because right now I have to be, but that does not mean I can not be productive or do the tings I want to do.  I have goals and things I want to accomplish.  I’m not going to let procrastination and self doubt prevent me from being who I want to be.  I’m not going to shy away from a challenge anymore.  All this time, waiting to start a job, I have been afraid, afraid I will not do a good job, afraid I will not be able to communicate with the employees or the customers, afraid that my anxiety will prevent me from taking the train everyday.  I’m not going to let those thoughts rule me any longer.  I don’t know where it came from or why it lives in me, but I will conquer my fears and not allow anything to stop me from living.  Yes, I want to go home, and yes I want to see my family and friends, but I’m not going to let my homesickness keep me from enjoying the time I have with my wife and daughter.  I’m not going to let my little girl grow up with a miserable father.

I’m not going to be negative about my situation anymore.  I am here because I chose to be here.  No one made the decision for me.  I came here with the hopes that I could make a better life for my wife and me.  Yes, it has been difficult, and in those difficult times I have questioned if I made the right choice, but when I think about what our lives would be like if I had not had the courage to come here, well it tears me apart.  I can’t imagine a day without my wife and daughter and to think I made the wrong choice is a terrible thought to have.  I’m not going to regret my choices.  We all have to make choices and we all have to accept the consequences that come with those choices.  Yes, I gave up a lot to be here, but I have gained a lot as well.  Today may not be perfect, but we’re getting there.  That being said, I will neither dwell on the past nor fear the future.  What’s done is done and I am here because of that.  Maybe my decisions were not always the wisest, but I would not change anything I have done.  It made me who I am.  I think often about the future, but I need to stop daydreaming about the life I want and start making it happen.  I have to live in the moment.  Instead of dreaming about being a published author, I need to get back to writing. *Kind of why I am here today*  If I want to speak better Spanish, I need to talk to people, not think about who I may talk to tomorrow.  I want to move back to the United States.  Well, instead of imagining the flight home, I need to plan how we’re going to get there.

One more thing I am not going to do.  I’m not going to fix everything in one day.  I’m not going to wake up tomorrow with the perfect life.  I have to live day by day by day and do the things I have to do that day to make things better.  Step by step, little by little, I can do this.  I just need to focus.  I’m not going to give up.

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~ by James on February 21, 2018.

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